for always keeping my fingers crossed

today is the first snow of winter 2017 and it’s snowing softly… it’s such a pleasure for me to see the snow fall. it’s like the whole damn city is getting washed of all it’s dirt and sins.

i keep thinking i need to open up the windows and let the change in and sweep out my past and all the memories.

now a days i am sleeping in odd angles on my bed because of my kids who are now in my bed. may be i should have gotten a california king bed.

my mood – “everything is blooming most recklessly; it it were voices instead of colours, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night – rilke”

it has been hard lately battling with myself and wanting an ordinary life and wanting someone to call my own. to come home to and to rest my head against his shoulder. i keep dreaming silly dreams like holding hands and walking around the streets lit with christmas lights.

you know how sometimes you bump into someone and you think they are really great ? you find it hard to sleep because thoughts of him keeps you awake and you spend a couple of weeks trying to find out all the little details, complicated conversations that seem to be opening up the way for something good.

things are good. but deep down, the probability of something so abstract actually happening seems a little absurd and so surreal. in spite of me keeping my heart checked, i keep dreaming about all these little things to do with him and the chances of these little wishes and dreams happening are slim to none, but i believe in the potential of my dream and so none of the realities matter.

i’ve been trying not to hold all of this against you, taking my time & biting my tongue, closing my eyes early, trying to put it all into perspective. it’s easy to place blame where it doesn’t belong, swollen with anger reflecting things i can’t wrap my fists around. the long drives i take at night and managing to pick a decent soundtrack of songs, i was so hushed keeping my eyes peeled for the reflection of deer eyes. but these days, i’m exhausted by the silences, all these sentences too jumbled to make sense, pulling them out of the patterns in my skin. there are too many risks i take without any understand of where i am going, what i am working towards, they keep tugging on every part of me.

i have swooned and i’m swooning and placed all bets on a losing (already lost) dream. and when all these dreams of mine come to a crashing halt, it shouldn’t really hurt or sting or feel like a sucker punch, because i knew it was coming.

but it does, and i don’t want to admit this but i have placed all my hopes in the wrong basket and i forgot to hide them before it was too late.

classical gas

11/06/2017

my brain was humming this song before i was even up this morning and of course, i couldn’t wait to hear it and as soon as i got a bit of time at work, i played glen campbell’s version and i was so moved and i had tears streaming thru my eyes and i had goosebumps… the music drenched me as tho the notes were raindrops and it was so hard to not move my body (as i’m a dancer) to the rhythm of this song and dance around in the office…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4ga67edrki

i had times when there’s that feeling of loneliness. the tangible loneliness and in a big city.  but the city doesn’t know your name. doesn’t know you. sitting at work, walking down the street, accidentally having conversations with strangers, wanting to cry at the old men begging for money, homeless people sheltering in the trolley stops, wanting to hug the little children who look so malnourished & ignored. but more than that, there is this want. wanting, so badly, to hold someone and let them have enough faith in you that they would just sink in you without even thinking about coming up for air.

as i am listening to this song again, i am thinking about longing… the physical longing of someone to talk to, to get a cup of coffee with and sit and talk about how beautiful love is and how beautiful it is to be living in this time….

hope is beautiful. someone to give me hope is wonderful. terry is beautiful and wonderful. but he is not mine. i keep reminding myself that.

and then suddenly to have it all turn over quietly. being with someone. to watch a play and hear music and watch dancers and to fall in love with a voice, with a song, to realize once more why you are here in the first place; to fall back in love with the faith that you once had, the beautiful and intangible feeling of belonging to someone, the companionship of everyone having had felt this way before me, and knowing that so many will feel the same way after i am long gone, the warmth that i felt. all due so much to terry, who brought me out of my slumber when i needed it more than anything.

i forget sometimes, how good it feels to feel.

walking home in crispy night imagining someone with me, in step with me, i couldn’t stop smiling. i thought of a poem that julien read me so many years ago, how i laughed at the first line, how he told me to stop because it was serious, and i laughed again, this time quietly to myself. and the moment when we went to the market, talking about haricot verts and beets, and kissed in the snack aisle…  i thought of how the simplest moments can become the most beautiful. i smiled, and i smiled, at the couples walking past, the quiet girl in a thick jacket walking alone, she too smiling to herself. we looked up and we both just laughed.

there is a reason why i always hated these months the most. they took julien from me. but now, i have terry and i love him for giving me faith. faith in the city. jace once said because i am so loving, love always finds me and protects me. i love my cats and terry (?) and i love my friends, though very small in number, they were always very faithful and loving to me, even protective. i miss some of my friends. but i miss me when i was with julien the most.

ps: i saw terry today and i even spoke with him… needless to say i’m on cloud infinity… he is gorgeous (for an american) and i should be shot for feeling this way.

pps: i know my secret blog is no longer a secret. i mean, i have an iq of 180+ 🙂 i don’t mind if you read it… 🙂

credit:

Mason Williams – Classical Gas (1968)
Mason Williams
from: “The Mason Williams Phonograph Record”  
Produced by Mike Post

“Classical Gas” is an instrumental musical piece composed and performed by Mason Williams with instrumental backing by members of The Wrecking Crew.”-Wikipedia

 

in which anubis tries to steal……

…… my drink, but bitterly disappointed as he found grape juice instead of milk…. look at him glaring at me ! my kids are spoiled..

 

contemplation in front of the fireplace with no pants on / reading all the beautiful things, beautiful writers write to me anonymously and ask me questions / for example, what do i love about moon ? / also, need a pedicure (and a manicure) / how long has it been ? / why hasn’t my ballet teacher yell at me yet ? / full moon ramblings / beaver mooon

candy corn

10/28/2017

do you ever set your watch ahead so you won’t be late ? i know some people do, as stupid as that is because you know that the watch or clock is set ahead by 10 or 15 mins. once upon a time, green bay packers (american football) had a coach named vince lombardi… now he was famous for two super bowl victories and also for something called lombardi time. so what’s lombardi time ? i googled (because my boy mentioned it on thursday and when i asked what is it, he told me to look it up. so i did.) lombardi apparently insisted that his players and staff arrive 15 mins early for any meeting or appointments and if anyone is on time, then he considered them to be late. he thought by arriving early, one can prepare and collect their thoughts, etc. and apparently in 2012, packers unveiled a new clock outside of lambeau field which is set 15 mins early as an ode to his “arriving pre-appointment time” rule… so there you all can now thank terry (or me) for this piece of (useful or rubbish) information. as per me, unless it’s very important, i shall never be on time and i’m always fashionably late like a parisian as i think that being on time is for mediocre people…

there was also some discussion about candy corn (don’t ask) and i honestly thought it’s akin to candied apple or something like that and i was wondering how one eats it and so i asked and found out it’s not a corn cob dipped in sugar syrup or caramel but some candy for realz and my boy generously supplied me with a photo.

i dropped by my mechanic’s that evening because my bmw’s breaks are shot and it’s been there for a month now as i wanted to see if it would be cheaper to fix them (it’s costing me $1000) if i took it to an authorized aaa repair but i wasn’t finding time to call them. anyway, i was walking into the office to tell them to go ahead with the repairs and matt the mechanic saw me and called out my name in a very happy way and i should consider dating him just for that (he asked me out a while ago) the only other person who calls me like that is my friend annie and it’s hard to explain that little happy note in their voices but it thrills me to bits…

lately i have been humming under my breath, this stupid little song which i learnt in india…. i went to an all girls school (till i did my masters) when i was growing up and it kind of makes us a bit rowdy as we also teased and taunted boys who were hanging out by our gates… lol. but anyways, we had lots of stupid songs which we would sing and one of them i particularly recall for this occasion goes like this and this song relies on a particular quality of a particular person and for example, if xyz is noted for reading books or abc is noted for singing , then the song goes something like this….

in the morning, in morning,

in the morning, by the sea

if i were a handsome boy and if i were to marry….

i would marry xyz more than anybody

for she could read and i could read

and we could read together

getting up in the middle of night reading to each other…

i know it’s a silly song but i was humming it lately trying to find a common thread between terry and me… i will explain the anatomy of my love for terry in another post…

friday, i told my boss i have to leave early, and she panicked and said you are not leaving (as in quitting) are you ? i am a bit happy that she thinks that way but i did promise her i will stay as long she is there (she is thinking of retiring soon) and this suits me fine as i have this chapter as a comma to build myself up and my friends scream at me saying why aren’t you in research ? my ex-boss also discouraged me to take ths as she wanted me to go back and pursue my doctorate (i dropped out of that program when my father passed away) and it’s been a long and hard handful of years of my life where everything seemed to go wrong and everyone i loved dropped dead…. and now i feel, for sure, i am in control and i am truly liberated from all obligations, and responsibilities… and i honestly think that’s one of the reasons why i am not in a hurry to get into a relationship…

my boy ruined my weekend as he is like i won’t be in on monday… so now instead of two days of wait, i have three days and i’m holding my breath in and sighing…oh dear, his words left me with silence and this is my way of clutching at him in his absence.

amidst all the chaos that fills my days, i feel as if the moon lives inside my skin and all that brilliance is struggling to get out and my skin is splitting at the seams with all these swollen emotions and i want to grab my boy and kiss him on his mouth till we are both numb and just stare into his soul….

i wonder if he sees into my soul… the other day he was smiling a bit impishly and a bit wickedly at me as if to say, i know your secret and i’m thinking, does he ? here i go again…..  i keep mistaking my boy’s kindness for an interest in me. i’m lying here, listening to moonlight sonata (piano), realizing that i’m fucking stupid. and somehow i’ve to deal with the aftermath. i thought i could defeat the plague of loneliness that i’ve been battling for some time. hi terry & i’m sorry !

this evening (saturday) i consolidated all my photos and for the first time i looked at my father’s photos from his viewing and burial… i haven’t been home to see him buried (i was made to stay back for a family obligation) and i was looking at his photos, my mum’s photos, my husband’s photos and i kept saying i am sorry, i am sorry, i am sorry.

being human can blow sometimes. the word goodbye is really giving me the feels tonight…  did you see the sunset the other night ? it disappeared as i drove home and then the house was suddenly too quiet. julien once told me that he wanted my life to be ‘full of crying and laughing and everything that is part of people,’ and that i taught him so much about me, about him, and about how to trust people. no one will ever be able to fathom how much he meant to me or his words still means to me. anyways, it’s getting cold out tonight. obviously so because we are in fall… and this is life, right ? i’m thinking of letting my hair grow back (i cut it off after jace’s passing) and teach myself how to play moonlight sonata on the piano. everything i write feels like a voicemail nowadays. sometimes i write things and think that you can all hear my voice, without all the pauses, without the anguish, without the stutter – with the calm that i could speak with you. only the calm… and oh, it’s late and i’ve been up since 5 am for a saturday. i should go for a drive and never come home. peace, internet !

 

staying warm

10/24/2017

i woke up earlier than usual to the intense winds which were blowing violently and creating a big swishy noises in the trees and my kids got scared and jumped into my bed and some snuggled up closer. i waited to see if anything happens as right in the front of our house there’s this big tree and i cringe a little during these types of winds and weathers… and we laid upon the bed, listening to the winds and i turned the tv on and raised the volume to drown out the noise of the blowing winds and after a few minutes, slowly made my way into the kitchen to start my day. i took my coffee into my garden and surveyed the damage… a couple of branches came loose from my tree and i dragged them to a side and on my way to train station a couple of detours were needed as some trees felled across the road. all day today it rained on and off and sun ultimately dared to come out late evening to say goodnight.

at work, i’m the resident scientist to talk to as i can clarify things scientifically. for reasons i didn’t pursue a career in that area, tho i am a brilliant scientist. so my colleagues brian and tommy usually talk to me about science stuff and i am more than happy to help them. tommy, i feel badly for him because he was involved in an accident and he is wheel chair bound and he is on the road to recovery and he can walk a bit and he does try. but he is frustrated and i would be too if i were in his place. i understand his frustration as i am in his position metaphorically speaking. my life didn’t exactly go as i planned and umm, most of them were faded but a couple of scars have dug deep and grown roots and made me paralyzed and they are still bleeding and i keep changing the bandages. confession: i self-harmed when julien died to feel something, anything and no i haven’t resumed self-harming when jace died but sometimes i am tempted, but i don’t do it anymore.

i froze my tits off in the office as it was freezing and they haven’t turned the heat on and i am sure the moment they decide to turn the heat on it would be warm out. speaking of tits, we had some kind of drill today where we all stood against the wall away from the windows and i asked “by standing here from what kind of calamity are we expecting to be safe ?” and everyone gave answers like tornadoes, hurricanes and i was thinking yeah right ! when i was in kansas, we were chased by tornadoes and i watched them getting born right in front of our apartment and i know what tornadoes would do to you… but whateves… i was making conversation about football as eagles won yesterday. and oh, let me pause here….americans love some very odd stuff… one is the dancing at the end zone after they fling the ball on the ground aka a touch down (whatever that means)… that is the ridiculous dancing one can see… in real football aka soccer, i have seen players like neymar dance but that’s like sexy and impressive… but i digress… so we were chatting and this morning when i was getting dressed i was listening to the bleating by these morning show people about how janet jackson is banned because of her boob episode in 2004 (?) halftime show with justin timberlake and to the gathered blokes of my office, i passionately talked about what’s the big deal about a wardrobe malfunction and a boob popping out… honestly, americans are so conservative and they get offended for silly things and not so much for matters of importance. i can do some ranting about this at length. and another colleague mitch taught me how american football is divided into conferences and divisions and what not… i’m still rooting for patriots !

when i was in the train this morning, a guy came and sat in front of me and he reeked of either deodorant or some cheap cologne or what not, i was nauseous and wanted to throw up all of the 40 mins train ride. and i was staring at the back of his head angrily observing the fat folds on the head and after a bit, he started giggling and i wondered if he lost it but then i saw that he was giggling into his phone which for some reason made me smile and i lost my anger and kept looking at his reflection in the window for the rest of the journey, still gagging on his sickly smell and wanting to vomit.

i went into the kitchen to fetch some water and the kitchen smelled of chicken (somebody heated up the chicken and oh, I’m a vegetarian) and i almost vomited and ugh… my nose didn’t get a break on the way back either as the train car i entered reeked of fish and i almost fainted but the doors closed and locked me in and i think the culprit was a woman who is carrying these fish  (i am thinking) but god in all the heavens above, why do these fish smell so pungently and why do such situations happen to me ?

in the trolley (after the train ride), a tiny asian woman who barely spoke english started chatting with me and said “america is so scary when you are trying to learn all by yourself” and made me read the advertisement (go red for women’s heart health) on the ceiling of the trolley so she could improve her pronunciation. i read the word preventable aloud so she could practice how to pronounce the words herself. we just kept repeating preventable over and over and over again, till i have to get off and she grabbed my hand and made me promise that i will stay warm and yes, happy.

things always get weird but i guess they’ve always been. it will be hard couple of months as i have to go through these fall and winter months… i get lonelier and melancholic during this time. but may be not this time ? i say that with a question because i don’t really know if that would be true. i’m not trying to learn alone, but sometimes, most times it feels that way. i don’t sleep in my bed very often anymore because i can’t shake the reminder of a familiar shape occupying the other side. everywhere i turn things are unfinished….. messy room, unfinished relationships. am i caught in a place where i feel content and miserable simultaneously and all at once ? perhaps this is what you call a purgatory… i can’t remember the last time i wrote a poem or created something which didn’t bleed from it’s edges. in any event, here i am, humming along merrily to the same old songs..

things will shake out soon ! and i’ll be warm and happy !

goodnight, people of the internet !

 

 

p.s. my potatoes…. send your submissions to heavyheavyboots0317@gmail.com and deadline is dec. 31

more ramblings….

10/23/2017

it seemed a couple of weeks ago fall is making it’s way by changing one leaf at a time and then today when i was driving in i saw there are so many fallen leaves in my yard and well, what happened ? i still haven’t taken my drive to look at the fall colors in their orgasmic splendor rolled out as tho someone painted them colors across the horizon with a big paint brush. autumn you are full of twists and turns and curls.. !

this morning it was foggy when i woke up and i was pretty happy to see that… hurriedly fed my kids and made myself a cup of coffee and immersed myself in a thick coat (jace’s coat.. for some reason i love wearing his t-shirts and clothes and i actually swim in them but i love the feeling) and went for a little walk around the block, sipping coffee and it was chilly and misty with fog but it’s fall and i am secure in the darkness and the dankness of it and it was totally worth it. did i tell you i hate days ? as in when the sun is up and no offense, monsieur sun. it’s nothing personal i just can’t face myself in the day time.

at work i ran into my boy in the elevator (i miscalculated his arrival time) and he goes how was your weekend and such a nice weather isn’t it and i said yes it’s fine. i mean, i really don’t want to talk to him. well i do but i don’t. i misread him so much and i have to slap myself silly to not hope and to just take his words as they were and by the end of the day i am totally black and blue with all the slapping i do to myself. if someone else says the same words i just think they were making conversation but when he says i feel as tho he is flirting… i wonder how the fairy tale ends… i mean i have this fate of romantic destiny within my hands reach and i would rearrange my whole universe to make him as my center and will bend over backwards to fit him into my life if he asked…

anyway, the saga with terry continues and i want him to be happy and if he is happy in his current relationship, so be it… i just need to hold my breath till i stabilize (or till he gets married) and then i can move on….  (i keep telling these things and repeating them like a mantra so i won’t feel too unfulfilled)

the chef at our cafeteria always makes time to talk to me and i asked him today what’s the big deal about the quarterback as in american football… in philly eagles are the football team and eagles are usually losers but this year they got a new kid called wentz and he is quarterback and the team seems to be winning nicely. the chef tried to explain something to me but after a couple of sentences i realized that he knows less than i know and i know nothing of american football but i always pick new england patriots to win the superbowl and hurray i win all the time. or he may be finding it hard to explain it to someone who knows nothing about football esp a girl…a girl of foreign origin. but he and i have a common interest which is our ice hockey team, flyers but they are also losers… but i love them anyway… lol

i got home and got a loud greeting from zz and he is now growling less, and exploring the house. his face looks a bit like an owl. fed kids and ran to the library to exchange my books and while i was passing the table, i saw a very familiar photo on the laptop of this guy and i was thinking, she looks familiar and then realized that it was my facebook page… i was thinking “excuse me, do i fucking know you ?” and i stared at this guy and he finally looked up and he shamelessly gave me a smile… well, i ask you ? what’s with the fascination with my life.. ? my life is not that great people. if i have a choice, i would rewrite it. my boy actually (he didn’t admit it) was on my facebook i was convinced as he let it slip that i curse too much and i was thinking i don’t do that at work and never to him. so i changed my facebook address but i felt bad that he may think i am locking him out and so i gave him my email address to subscribe to my tiny letter but he never emailed me so, it’s ok. i think… but he knows, me thinks, may be as a suspicion, but he knows that i have a crush on him but whatevs… he can have that.

went to gym and i had to call 911 to report some woman needing some help and got home and no in bed and unwinding about my day… yes, i have resumed putting in quality time at gym as my ballet teacher went with the most sweetest voice possible (she is a russian matron and she scares me) and with thick accent, “i know you had asthma attack but i see you are not practicing and you are still fat”… sheesh lady ! i am not planning to perform in nut cracker and yes i still have some squishy bits, but i am working…… i didn’t actually say these words to her because as i said she scares me.

while coming home dropped in the store to pickup some yogurt for post workout snack and can all the stores like chill out with the premature christmas and thanksgiving advertisemens and decorations and songs ? it’s not even halloween yet and this is serisouly messing up my internal clock and i had to literally think for a few seconds this evening if halloween passed already and i missed the date and i was like dreaming or something.

tomorrow the forecast is for rain. when you hear a gentle drumming outside and see that it’s another fall rainfall…  it’s perfect reading weather ! you know, curl up on a blanket in front of the fire place and have oodles of coffee and munching something sweet and stretch yourself lazily and read a perfect book…

bah, i have to be at work tomorrow !

a summation of my weekend

10/22/2017

i got a new cat yesterday (oct. 21). well he is not a “new” per se, but he is a stranger for us, so “new” ? his human told me that she can’t take care of him anymore and if i won’t take him she may have to put him down and so, i got a new kitty. his name is zach but as i detest human names for cats, i call him zz and he replies. he isn’t happy to be in a home of so many kids. my kids are ok with him as they know their mama has this habit of rescuing pets. but zz won’t have it. he was growling at my kids so everyone is giving him room to grow. everyone except my cat tickles…

my husband named only three cats in our household. tickles was our first child. when we got married, this is the first thing my husband did… looked in papers to find a little kitten for adoption. i mean, he couldn’t wait. i mean it was day two of my living with him and i am still unsure of sleeping next to him. my husband and i never lived together before marriage as i am against any kind of premarital things as i’m not only god fearing but also a feminist.  so when he found an advert for free kitten and off he dragged me to this place and the moment he saw her, he says “i’m naming her tickles” and we brought her home and deposited me and the little one at home and went off again to buy a camera, a video recorder and toys for her and i mean, he didn’t buy those for recording us (jace and me) but for his baby and tickles is the queen of the house and she growls when she hears someone coming to the door and when zz growled at her, she stomped her little foot and growled and hissed back at him to let him know that it’s her kingdom and she makes the rules and the boy zz calmed down and stopped growling. but for realz tho… i really hate people for this reason. you know, people who get pets and when the animals get older, they discard them. i mean, it’s your fucking responsibility… ? didn’t you realize when you got them in the first place that they are going to get older ? but well, i can’t let someone put down a cat or anything else just because…

i’ve been thinking a lot about symbolism lately. not something grand like trying to turn life into a metaphor, but tiny things…. simple things…. the pieces of life left behind in spite of being whipped and tossed and turned upside down by life… and finding in them still alive, the quiet strings of humanity. there are such things in my world that brings together so many other worlds. i suppose they are forgotten, futile belongings that aren’t rendered meaningful until they’re looked underneath a different light.

like the library i was in where i kissed the boy who meant everything to me… ever ! i don’t remember the aisle number or i don’t remember what shirt i was wearing but all i remember was the faint smell of his shower soap (he just came from playing tennis) but listen…lives interlace… strings are formed and they tangle and they knot. sometimes they fray and they break but there are always these details.

and then something jogs your memory. like this song.. what can be more beautiful than that ? i quite accidentally listened to this song at work the other day (i play music to concentrate on what i’m doing) and i almost screamed and stopped the song but it was too late and so i put it back on. this is one of those memories which incite pain and “what could i have been if julien were alive” and for the first time i listened to the lyrics, i mean i paid good attention to the lyrics.

this afternoon i was on my beautician’s table getting waxed and i had my headphones on. when you are naked from waist down to get a brazilian by a total stranger (she isn’t my regular person) you occupy yourselves with something i was listening (on repeat) to the song i just uploaded this morning.

this is a song, sung by florent pagny and written by the french demigod pascal obispo who i love and adore…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re8-plydcte

i will post the lyrics (english translation) after the post. but i remember when i first heard the song which was introduced to me by julien. i don’t talk much about him as i locked him up in my heart forever.  i was still in my late teens (god i am old) life was rosy then and he and i were students in united states (kansas) (he was french and interestingly i only dated french men) and we went to someone’s home to spend the afternoon. and there’s a grand piano in the living room and julien played this song while the sun fell quietly like a soft satin curtains and the windows were open with a tiny suggestion of a breeze. by the end of the song, he had tears in his eyes and i was never loved by anyone (including my parents) the way he did and i supposed i shouldn’t complain much because i was so loved by him and someone told me i can capture a moment by writing and i understand that i could create life if i pressed against paper gently enough and i believe that’s the god’s way. falling like a light…. butterflies courting each other, and falling in a pirouette and faint perfume of lavender blossoms and a train passing and the world a still life…  and me my eyes closed, a frame…

i was listening to the song with my eyes closed and getting waxed and my hands folded on my tummy and my chin turned slightly upwards to the light and my entire being was breathing and trying to recreate the moment.

i’ve been trying to write postcards but all of them end up blank. i memorized the address, you know. the one he gave me and i am stuck at the comma after his name and i’m overwhelmed and lost with all the things i want to tell the blue eyed boy t, but i can’t. i sit at my desk and remembering the moment i met him and was too scared to ask how the moonlight was like back in his little town. my desk has no drawers or compartments but filled with thousands of little secrets and he is one of them… he is a thousand of them. i’ve been thinking of symbolism today, of how i kept all the post it notes he gave me (with plane schedules for work) and i’ve fallen in love with the things men (two) left behind and small mementos of things that were once beautiful. i keep falling for things they leave behind . i keep falling for their details of the memories and collecting them and keep falling… i keep falling..

TONIGHT I’M PLANNING TO READ SHAKESPEARE BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING SEXY !

Savoir Aimer (lyrics in english) “Knowing how to love”

Knowing how to smile,
To a stranger that passes by,’
Without keeping any traces,
Except the pleasure,
Knowing how to love
Without anything in return,
Without regard for, nor big love
Not even the hope of being loved
Simply, knowing how to give,
Giving without expecting anything.
Doing nothing excepting learning,
Learning to love
Loving without expectations,
Loving,
Learning to smile,
Only for the deed,
Without expecting anything else ,
And learning to live
And then go.
Knowing how to wait and
Tasting that full happiness,
That’s given to you a little bit by chance,
So much so that it was unexpected.
Seeing oneself and believing in it
To lure the fear from the emptiness Anchored like wrinkles
which tarnish mirrors,
Knowing how to suffer
In silence, without a word,
Nor defence, nor armor
Suffering to the point of wanting to die
And getting up again,
Like ones rises from one’s ashes.
With so much love to resell
That one makes a complete
break with one’s past.
To dream for two,
Only by closing the eyes,
And knowing how to give,
Giving without any hurt,
Nor half measure,
Learning to rest,
Wanting until the end
Staying despite everything,
Learning to love,
And then leaving,
And then ….moving (on).

missouri

10/17/2017

i’m completely smitten and there’s no goddamn hope for me at all and i’m confused by all this and all i kept saying was how strange it is to be happy again (even it  only exists in my mind), and to laugh with someone completely (over a printer), to feel good because things are just as they are without even seeing it coming and it is all i can think about in the dark of the city, the quiet of an empty apartment, with heavy eyes and a full heart.

i had bonded laughing with him over a printer. we have a color printer which is situated in my cubicle and sometime people print into it and lately it has been acting up and we are not repairing it as all our company’s machines are getting upgraded to new ones. and also when he prints, somehow the settings go wacky and not print and i told him to send me the file in case he needed something printed, but he went and printed anyway and of course, the printer didn’t print and he started talking about the printer and i kept telling him that his laptop confuses my printer and on and on we were debating and then he is like “you didn’t have any problems while printing this” and i was like “no” and he is why don’t you show me… so i opened the file and was printing and he is like “i’m from missouri; do you know missouri” and while thinking why was he talking about missouri but answered yes because i went to school in kansas and he was like missouri is show me state and i laughed so hard and then of course the file got printed and he started making another excuse but it was so much fun to laugh with him and oh, i so wish he were single !

this evening when i walking to the train station, i realized that i’m exactly where i wanted to be in my life; like right now. i’ve found myself writing again, something which i’m excited about, a boy (even if in my head) who makes me happy for no reason in particular other than the fact that he’s around. confidence growing in me when i least expect it and i feel so blessed and thankful and i’m sure i sound like broken record, but goddamn, can this feeling just stick around for a while ? some people have paris, i’ve this moment by the printer !!

i

ask me how to break up with a boy without dating….  i fell into him in a complicated way, i was desperately trying not to love or hate, pressing my hot tears back into the eye lids… i keep dancing around this boy who probably cares for me as a person. i kept pushing him away while wanting him to declare his undying love for me. i keep spending time tapping my fingers against my knees, and shaping words telling him things i want him to know and cataloging them in my mind before racing home to scribble them into the computer

i wait patiently for the night to turn into day, when i get to see him and spend long nights penning anecdotes and feelings and emotions onto paper. i bitterly fight with myself over my feelings for this boy, sometimes even silently and i am building frustrations in my mind but never expressing them, just waiting for all my emotions to boil over and consume me and leave me dead. i said somethings i shouldn’t have, spending too much time gazing at blank spots, hoping somehow my wishes would come true and oh, all the weekends i sit alone, restless but unwilling to do anything but hold fast to the future.

spring came without warning, and i grew silent and let it shroud me like a ghost. i kept hoping that i get wrapped up in this boy, and that i would be kept up at night sby romantic conversations; conversations promising something that would leave me loved and change me.

i learned how to say goodbye to loved ones. i learned to stop feeling sorry for myself and am allowing life to capture me again, letting seasons to swallow me whole and spit me out. keep collecting memories and stacking them in old suitcases, remembering how to be reckless and remembering to keep my head down, and hearts full. i made some plans, allowing myself to be honest to myself and challenging myself to learn how to be brave. learning to grow closer to people who are important to me, i let my hair get short and remembering that i have a heart.

i prepared for a new start, settling in to the ruins, accepting the inevitability and consequences, conquering public transportation, and long line of city blocks, i had to accept some things, i was afraid to admit to myself, still afraid to say it out loud. i am writing and writing and writing, scribbling love letters on post-it-notes before folding them and refolding them into my pant pockets, un-mailing sentiments and confessions to the boy.

I keep hearing stories… some broke me, some built me. i keep gathering up people’s pieces and collecting their hopes and how waves of courage tug them on their edges.

i am in winter now and i’m thinking of curling up lazily in front of the fireplace and remember that home isn’t always about place, but also a family, even if it is made of cats and kittens. i see my friends break and i am unable to fix them. i am spending my nights wishing someone was here with me. i sit in closets. i keep my hands folded in my lap and i think of new plans for my future. i am preparing myself for what is next. i am learning tho i am broken, i am beautiful and understanding what taking a risk feels like and how to be brave. someone at work today said i am conquering in a different context, but i still have so much to conquer. i am giving the boy up to the universe as my friend said and am spending this night missing him, my eyes full of tears and my heart full of love, and i remain.