lessons…

11/16/2017

it is such a nice day today and i loved my conversation with my boy… when i said my conversation, i made myself a total ass in front of him, but he was very patient and explained and i felt small… let me add that it is not entirely my fault as i only got half of the facts and sometimes presuming things is very dangerous… but thankfully, me checking with him is a good thing as he straightened things out for me.

but coming back to the conversation, i actually felt closer to him somehow, not just in my mind but for real, i mean i was comfortable with him for the first time and i was explaining something to him and he said something and i almost said “i think that’s because you are warm and sweet” and i had to stop myself and said something less inappropriate for a work situation. may be this is the reason why people say, don’t date a colleague… well, i don’t fucking care… if he wants me, he can have me. i think the problem (again) is me, as i am so goddamn afraid of my feelings for him, i put up barriers and i think i’m very self-destructive and i’m a walking ptsd and so everything i say to him comes out wrong and yes, it may rub people the wrong way and i feel like saying to him “i am sorry” like 1000 times / second but i think he already knows that i am not a mean person and god, i hope he realizes that. and also, today i was telling him “i am peculiar that way” and he laughed and said something to the effect that he already knew… side note: i’m not sure if my boy knows that i’m a christian in spite of the fact that i keep sabbath.. we had a christmas conversation today and he is like i celebrate christmas and i wanted to say, fine, but do you wanna go to church with me ? 😊 gosh, he makes me so happy !

i so need to grow up !

just so you know terry, i would like to carry you around in my shirt pocket !

my favorite officer tim at work cracks me up immensely. that is because he always plays hide and seek with me when he sees me waiting for him in front of his office. i may have mentioned this before, i consider him as my mentor, and on an intellectual level i am same as he, but he comes with more wisdom and with better people skills. on the other hand, i’m totally inept when dealing with people because most of the time they bore me. for that matter i think my boy as well is like that, you know more malleable and wiser… i’m wise but my problem (i think currently this is a problem) is that, i worked in a private sector before and i had all the power next to the ceo & president, in the sense that what i say happened… but now, it’s more democratic, much to my misery as i want things done my way… goddamn !

but as i always believe, everything is a learning experience and i need to grow and i am sitting on the board of a non-profit organization as a treasurer (i know right ? me still learning and who in the right mind puts me on a board ?) and all these experiences i’m learning are making me grow and more importantly, i am finding myself trusting my boy and getting comfortable enough which is also quite scary.

i went out with a bunch of work people as my boss dragged me to dinner and huh, it was a bit painful…people talked a lot about weird foods they ate (i got nauseous and gagged for the better part of my meal) and then i chose not to have dessert as it was already late and i won’t be going to gym tonight and tomorrow (sundown is at 4:44 pm) and everyone started explaining to me why they are eating the dessert (gelato) and i was thinking i don’t fucking care why or why not you are eating, plus i am overweight (just ask my ballet teacher) and i take my health quite seriously… just so you know, one can be skinny and be very unhealthy.

speaking of health, the other day i was jumping up and down in front of tim asking him who i go and complain re. all these smokers riding the elevators. scientific fact is third hand smoke (the clothes of a smoker) can be deadlier than if one actually smoke and i have asthma and three days in a row i was going up and down the elevators and every single goddamn time, smokers were riding the elevators and it was quite distressing… now, i take my health seriously. because of that i am a vegetarian, i go to gym, i don’t smoke or take alcohol (i don’t even take cough syrup with alcohol), i don’t eat anything out of cans, salt, sugar, etc., etc., but now i am in danger of getting lung cancer because some idiot who smokes and walks around with toxins on his shirt..

i just wanted to record my day as today was magic, i wish i have days like these and  i get to sit with my boy and just talk rubbish and laugh and be happy and i record this day, as the days i am really happy are few and far between… this week is long and tiresome and can’t wait for this week to be over and thankfully tomorrow is friday….

good night blog !

your face reminds me when i was old

i’ll write about the sounds of your heart and how i synced my heart to your rhythms… tonight the options are spread out before me, wondering if i should confess to you or just continue pretending that i won’t be aching for you and just stay silent staring deep into your eyes

i’ll write you in soft lines, and tell the world how my boy is so bright and smart with warm heart and pouty lips.. and how i wanted him since so many moons but was stopped by subtle fears and that he has someone else.

i want to talk to you about mysteries of old and of life, of me and that i’m not quite dull or stoney. i want to tell you that i’m not shy but that i want you to shine with your eyes so blue and so bright.

i want to tell you that i lost my youth along with the boy i loved with my all and all i have left are my eyes that are old in thousands of years.

i want to tell you that life happened and it happened a lot, and that we can share stories about spouses in each of our nests.

but lover, i got old and my life is at an end and i’m alone with no partner, dipping my toes in a lake full of memories and scribbling unfinished dreams in journal after journal.

then i found you, even before i noticed you, and my heart tells me you are mine, but i’m too old and wise to realize that it’s just a li’l dream of mine.

my story is ever so simple and wise, i just wove my heart into yours and threaded myself into your eyes and may be you’re my distraction or my lifeline.

maybe we don’t fit together right now but who knows, i may get to be your long-lost wife or a lover for a night or five.

i’m not sorry that i show you my eyes, and that i bare you my soul with inks so blue and fine and maybe you’ll give me a clue or two and maybe one day you will be mine.

 

Title credit: Telefon Tel Aviv

fragments

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tempest hair and i’ve new glasses and i can see clearly now and it’s a whole new non-blurry world and i don’t know what look i was going for but i look quite shady and devious…how cute do i look on a scale of 1 to “get those goddamn glasses off of your face” ?

the italian emailed me today as i agreed to have dinner with him and i gave all kinds of conditions and i actually told him that i’m pretentious and so good atmos is necessary.. haha

so this is his email:

“how are you today?  hope you’re having a good week.  i did a little research on restaurants in wayne, pa., particularly those friendly to vegetarians.  here is what i find.

1) autograph brasserie.  american/italian food.  looks like classy atmosphere.  reviews are very good.

2) anthony’s coal fired pizza: excellent pizza, sports bar atmosphere, family friendly, little loud.

3) margaret kuos:  asian/japanese food.  good reviews.  surprising amount of meat on menu.

i’ll mention there is also a bonefish grill in king of prussia (bit further for you) which is pretty good.  nice atmosphere.  and lastly, there is a place in wayne called “a taste of britain” (thinking you’ll like this), but it’s closed on sundays.  perhaps we can save this for our 2nd outing? 🙂  let me know what you think of the other choices.”

folks, this is how scientists write… haha i mean, he actually researched on good restaurants lol i swear i laughed so much when i read this email and he def. gets points for making an effort… god I hope he doesn’t fall in love with me… :/

just so you know anthony’s is out…i’m thinking kuo’s or autograph

today is a good day ‘cause i just spent over two hours screaming at my computer & at philly orchestra website, & something like a million error messages & four meltdowns later i’ve tickets and i’m going with really fucking wonderful and awesome friends and i’m seeing really good music live, so i’m happy, yes.

i had a brief chat with my boy, terry… yes i know, i know… i am trying to cut the cord with which i tethered myself to him. but it’s a bit hard, you know. one can’t just forget what a heart longs for just like that and as badly as i would want to get over him, laa dee daa, can’t and my heart leaps and dances when i see him… gosh, i love him so…  i should be shot ! when i see him, all my resolutions evaporate as quickly as fog evaporates when sun comes out…. anyway, i think me dating someone else may actually help me but i shall be careful and not make anyone fall for me and also the italian will be the first american boy i would be dating, so he should be proud.

oh, my chat with the boy with blue eyes… he is coming to my neighborhood tomorrow and i was royally ticked off with this management group because my neighborhood is really nice one and i don’t understand how corporate events can be organized in such places but whatever… he was like you live there don’t you and i said yes but i didn’t tell where exactly i live.. this place a bit away from my house and our neighborhood is quite tricky and its literally the other side of railway tracks kind of a deal but i live in a posher side of the tracks than where this banquet / corporate event place is… but i love my little town…  it’s not exactly idyllic but it’s not a city and i can run into city in 30 mins (given the traffic)..

if i were to be honest with myself, i actually want to leave my job and i was looking at the job offers in my inbox but i am like caught between rock and stone, because i gave my word to my boss. in the meanwhile i will continue to countdown the years and time does fly quickly… one year down, four to go.

i didn’t go out tonight (gym) because my kids all have sniffles and i have to be extra careful with a couple of them as they have health issues already and this weather is goddamn fickle and i am severely angry with the /weather. i just have to watch over them extra careful and feed them with my fingers because they can quickly deteriorate if they don’t eat and they don’t eat if they can’t smell..

well so the night begins with me drinking in my dreams, and trying to reach the stars which crumble with the touch of my fingers and i swallow their dust and breathe out golden words and they echo and scream and birth a new reality….

night night mes chatons !

 

midnight ramble

11/13/2017

goddamn

some mornings i wake up at a decent time and cross a few things off my to do list and then i stand in the bathroom waiting for the shower to warm up and contemplate cutting off all my hair but then i remember i want to grow my hair and i go through my old photos when i had long hair to convince myself that long hair suits me well and that all the probably awkward phases of growing it out aren’t a good option for me to return to, but then i just get sad because i miss my old life and i miss the places i’ve tucked myself into and i start to wish that this phase is only temporary until you figured out exactly what you want to do with your life and then you could just spend your time pursuing your creative goals and grab the boy and keep kissing him and driving around all hours of the day in the sun and warmth because that’s what life is really about – sometimes just bullshitting and getting lost and being strange shades of happy.

it was raining in the city today. my hair got curlier on the walk home. i still feel like cutting it and i can hardly see out of my eyes and i don’t like hiding anymore. i’m becoming transient again lately. there’s a hum of nervousness, a knot in my stomach. i spent most of my day scribbling poems about my collarbones and dreams of solitude instead of seriously working on all these submissions. maybe i’m on the brink of weariness, maybe i’m right on the edge of allowing myself to be fully a part of something. tonight i’d like to write love letters to you and get wrapped up in conversations (imaginary) with you and stay awake a couple hours too late though i still have a full day tomorrow.

terry said “hi (insert my name)” to me – as usual i mumbled something in return…

hi terry !

i wrote down my feelings and haven’t posted them yet. i talked to my former boss this night and she is another one of those “why aren’t you dating and you should have a life, are you even going out like watching movies, etc” and after listening to my predicament (not exactly a predicament but you know what i mean, i’m not even sure what i am hoping for from terry or what exactly i’m expecting to happen idk) any way, she is like “carpe goddamn diem” seize the day because this may be good for you… may be as he is working in pharma (the italian) you may actually be able to start a bio company” (a few months before jace died she introduced me to some investors who wanted to check me out to see if i was any good) – not sure about him but archana and i are planning to talk about this next year maybe (if everything goes well, fingers crossed) and i’m planning to pursue a mba and/or some other related degree.

i was talking to tommy today and when i asked what he did past weekend, he went casually “wedding stuff”…  i’m wondering if he shouldn’t put more enthusiasm in that… he joked about dowry & i told him i’m more than willing to discuss that with him as soon as i find myself a stick… i kid you not, but i did tell my parents that i will break the legs of any guy wanting a dowry to wed me… as far as i’m concerned, they should be kissing my feet 🙂

i am getting my new pair of glasses tomorrow and i am slightly excited to see things clearly… somehow all of this feels hollow and i feel hollow and lost and i am still allowing myself to be sad for tonight and btw, I’m used to saying goodbyes…

 

ps: remember to email me your submissions before the end of this year : heavyheavyboots0317@gmail.com

echo

sometimes i’m poetically boring; sometimes, i lose myself in dreams of days filled with nothing but cats, books & musique; living & breathing the things which captivate me the most. sometimes i invite loneliness with open arms; sometimes i just want to watch miyazaki movies and eat crème brûlée; sometimes i want quiet affection; sometimes i want to be an intimate stranger with someone; sometimes i want to float away into oblivion; sometimes i want to follow the white rabbit; sometimes i want him to whisper my name; sometimes i want him to need me, want me and love me; sometimes i want him to bring me back into existence; how can he weave himself into my life without my permission ? it’s amazing the way lives of total strangers intersect with one another and fall into each other.

i don’t mind you being so far away but the loneliness is screaming around me… i just want to sit in silence next to you and breathe you in and i want you to breathe me in… without even walking together we share moments and things we silently experience… i’d relax utterly & drape myself around you….. we are not bound by gold oh my darling, but we are bound by our souls…. i’ll delight in your gentleness… it’s wonderful but it’s scary. i conflict between sober practicality and a yearning for love, pleasure and emotional satisfaction.

 

 

 

one hundred years..

IMG_2079 i am a bit sad for reasons and i am confused… it’s not the right time for me to enter dating scene but i know it will never be a right time… i’ll wait one hundred years for my lover to notice me and come find me…

things are changing rapidly and all my days are evaporating quickly.

pictured: my nice warm fireplace
not pictured: me chugging diet lemon coke straight from the can, eating a slice of sprouted whole wheat bread w/ flax and chia seeds and with goat butter generously spread over it and also looking quite pissed off at terry (not his fault but he is the reason i am sad), me wallowing in my inability to handle life while accidentally getting vegetables everywhere..

it’s been bitter cold lately and temps dipped into twenties especially at night and my bed is full y’all, as all my kids (or mostly) made their way into my bed… we huddled close, with me under the blankets and my kitties on my blanket…. friday i stayed home and worked and that meant i get to stay in bed another half an hour and once i fed my kids and made myself coffee, i built a fire and we all sat in the light of the fire and watched the world go by… now it’s usually watching the leaves falling off of my big old tree..

i will be honest with you… i seriously thought a lot about closing down this blog (and i may still do it) but for now i may leave it as it is..

my kids were happy that i stayed home and ran around me in circles while i was doing my chores. my friend jack still hasn’t replied re. the philly orchestra (update: he just texted a very lengthy text and said that he is fat and he will let me know soon regarding the orchestra)

after sundown saturday, i made my way into city to have dinner with a friend and we were squealing and the usual “you need to date” lecture started and i was mocking her and in general making fun of the situation and we started writing up a profile for the dating sites (btw, my profile is somewhere on some dating sites and i am not paying for it and this whole thing actually bores me to tears) and i was giving out the points of what i would put in and we were laughing a lot at all the silly (but true) things which i look for in a man…. you get the picture !

all of a sudden, this guy from next table, pops over and is like “i will go to church with you and i also read books”…. which actually took me by surprise and so on so forth and what have you, sigh…. i have his email address (and his phone no) and today he wrote me to ask me if i would have dinner with him on wednesday and i replied not this week.
he has two boys and he works for some pharma and italian…. bah ! i wish he had a daughter as well and when he said “i’ve two boys ages 11 and 9 and they are good kids”, i was like “i have many cats and they are good kids as well”

guys, i don’t have a problem in meeting men who want to date me, but i am looking for a guy who falls head over heels for me and who would sweep me off of my feet… who would love me in spite of me being a total bitch and care for me when i am being impossible… who wouldn’t mind going browsing in second hand book stores (it’s my favorite pastime) or just walk hand in hand with me around the city and share kisses over coffee and make out in the subways while waiting for a train. preferably a vegetarian and a parisian and speak romance in french. also you know, a believer who would tear up with me when we get married because we found each other and because i were worth his wait and because he was worth mine….

aaarrrrgh !

note to self: stop making perfectly nice people develop feelings for you when you can’t reciprocate them.

good night everyone !

signed

a sad fat squirrel

“fuck you (or off)” days in my life

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11/08/2017

greetings from my bed… i’m sitting here reading about seahorses and listening to fur elise and life is sad and beautiful.

this pic is me and i will tell you the story in a few lines…

i know, i know i need to address why my title is such…. because i am getting annoyed beyond my patience… seriously… somedays all i want to say is “fuck you” to everyone i meet… may be i should go “hi, fuck you”… i may be exaggerating a bit but sometimes it’s like that. i guess this is because my idiot friends have set me up with a couple of men (don’t ask) i am not interested, but i do things for my friends’ sake but these men are so off what i look for in men and my friends know this but they are all on a mission to get me going. so one guy is an indian, neuro surgeon, lives in nj and a hindu ; sorry but he is already out, on the basis that he is a hindu and i am not even gonna pretend i would date anyone who isn’t a christian. but i thought i would email him friend like and then give him the (bad) news

the other guy is somewhere closer to me and he owns some goddamn business or he is some sort of executive…  the condition was i will chat with them via email and if i think they have a brain to converse with me like an intellectual, i will then meet them (like a year or so later) i mean, seriously, i can’t date them if they are idiots.

so i emailed them and what do they reply, this is my phone number let’s text or talk… and here i typed a neat little letter saying, let’s chat a while via email… i completely ignored the replies and started asking questions but again they replied let’s talk or text… their replies are sitting in my inbox and i am now thinking, when is the right time to say “excuse me, but please fuck off”.

and this morning when i walked into the office i hurriedly took this photo so i can show you how i looked when i rode my train to the city. so here i was, on a bitter cold morning, wearing flyers pullover, with the hoodie up and over it i wore a light coat, mirror sunglasses on and earphones in my ears with music blaring and then this guy sits next to me who came with a newspaper and a coffee mug and distinctly smelling of alcohol and his elbow was like touching my ribs and i am in general very claustrophobic and i hate anyone touching me unnecessarily but i thought well he is fat and it’s a two seater and he was trying to read the paper and on and on but i wasn’t pleased. and then two minutes later, he taps on my arm and is like “can you believe this (some election shit) this guy won and i haven’t voted for him…” i politely nodded and continued playing on my phone (candy crush ! fuck yeah !!) and i was thinking which part of my ensemble made you think that i am open for conversation and he continued to dig into my ribs and i started to think about weinstein and the whole deal about sexual harassment and wondering if this guy is planning to do that and if so, i will have you know, i would happily kick him in his balls as i don’t stand for that shit… i come from warrior race.

anyway, he was all smiles when we were getting off (maybe he is already boozed up and it was hardly 8:30 am)

anyway, that was my other fuck you moment…

just for clarity, the rest aren’t f/u days but mere observations….

i don’t know what’s going on with “walking dead” and i am getting a distinct feeling that i may have missed the last episode for the previous season.

past weekend i sat and watched “falling water” on amazon and i had high hopes for that series but in the midway, they made it way too complicated or maybe they lost interest or whatever i almost lost interest but i have ocd and i finished watching it.

for ages, i have been trying to make the special k loaf which is really yummy and so on monday night i mixed up the ingredients for baking and i switched on the oven to preheat….

now, i am a very good cook. but i don’t cook anymore because, well because i am alone and i am now storing pots and pans in the oven and in my brilliance, i decided i would use the top filament as a shelf for plastic  lids and when i turned the oven on, i forgot about this bit and the whole plastic things melted and i kept smelling the burning plastic when i get in the kitchen but i thought it was somewhere from outside and i soon found out the melted plastic and i couldn’t at first figure out where this plastic came from but then i remembered. well long story short, i cleaned the goddamn oven and the next day made the loaf which is yummy even though i was greedy and put a lot more walnuts than the recipe called for… and oh i have to start cooking esp for dinners as once the weather kind of settles on what it wants to be, like cold and winter like or warm and summer like, i have to cut my cals for ballet’s sake and speaking of ballet, i tweaked my knee a bit and it’s painful when do pliés.

today i had to talk to my boy (yay!) and my missouri boy loves his meat sandwiches…i needed him to pick out flesh meat sandwiches as i am a veggie person and i don’t think they would appreciate my choices. it was a to do. there was a lot of unnecessary discussion imo and i was like this shouldn’t take this long and i wasn’t like planning to spend so much time in front of him for reasons but whatever…. i also gave him unwanted advice re. eating fish and that one can get ptomaine poisoning or botulism… but i haven’t elaborated on that as i was already in his presence more than necessary…. i am exhausted to be honest, to keep hiding and to keep running away from him and from myself and also i woke up at 2:30 this morning as jack, my friend, decided he would text me then.

i was reading about seahorses today as i mentioned earlier and seahorses are different and extraordinary… you now, the males get pregnant and them giving birth to babies is so fascinating… it actually  looks like an orgasmic ejaculate rather than giving birth… check out the link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mshcqrru-gk

a fun seahorse fact for you coming from this side of my philly, and it is this: the genus for seahorses is hippocampus which is where the english word hippocampus come from. the hippocampus is the region in your brain that is responsible for forming long term, typically episodic, memories. we all have hippocampus in our brain, and therefore, if you will, this seahorse section of our brain is responsible for encoding, remembering, and recalling important, life changing, world shaping events.

maybe no one else will find this as cool as i do, but i felt the need to share. and so i should be happy as a seahorse, and looking forward to remembering the beautiful past and making wonderful new memories like seahorses do.

speaking of jack, he and i usually go to symphonies and i have asked him to go with me to a couple of symphonies this month… (haydns seasons and gershwin) and especially because yannick nezet seguin is conducting and i kept asking him if he wants to go so i can buy tickets (you know good ones) and he is like dodging and i have to buy them soon like in two or three days and i know once i click the “buy” button he would text me bleating that he wants to go.

oh well, so much happens during winter months but i don’t mind the cold because i get to dress up like a girl and look soft and beautiful and all i need is my goddamn boy to escort me into the kimmel center… a girl can dream you know !!!

it’s late and i should be in bed !

kisses kitten !