Et Bonne Année 2022

I have been meaning to post this blog since 2021 but then got distracted, side tracked and also not to mention it’s so hard to type with a broken keyboard.  I have now 5 laptops with broken keyboards and this is because of my cats who jump on them or deliberately walk on them with no regard to someone else’s personal property.  I so love them all the same.  Anyhoo, here I’m typing on my mobile phone.

Terrible years really make you understand the point of a new year. I don’t think nothing much will have changed between December 31 and January 1.  But there is a need to partition off everything that’s happened to us, and take a moment to say ‘that’s done, I’m done with it, it’s over’ and have a little hope that the future will be different. Take a little breath and sing, in the middle of the winter and prepare for spring. 

Personal update: we are still in Pandemic but I’ve never been happier. Mind you, in 2021 April-May time I lost a lot of my cousins to Covid and it was brutal. But as I believe in God (Christ) vehemently, He took this and helped me to become stronger and bolder. I’ve had gloom surrounding me since my husband’s death in 2014, so this came as a relief. I have to thank God and as we reflect 2020 and 2021, we must look at the ways God has been with us and blessed us.  As those years wound down and we look to the new year, and recount God’s wonderful deeds. 

Currently I’m broke financially speaking, what with my cats’ medical needs and and my expensive plant collection and other investments.  But I’m thinking, hopefully by the end of this year I should stabilize i.e. if I don’t go and buy more unicorn plants (I may have to sell my kidneys !!)

I’ve been watching a lot of shows, documentaries, as you all as well I’m sure, most of them are in French, German or Swedish. I recently watched Apple Tree Yard (British) and The Wall (German) and man, I was traumatized!! I was physically sick after watching them and this maybe because I wasn’t expecting the story to twist that way or whatever, and so it felt like someone punched me in my gut. I had to break off of watching the shows for a week or so and get well & went back to finish watching them.  

Sadly the very lovely boy Gaspard Ulliel, French actor, passed away and my heart ached a lot !! 

And keeping in with the same subject of films snd TV programs, and actors, a Swedish actor Mikael Persbrandt took my breath away. There are many beautiful people but this guy is stunning. Like you serious would fall for him immediately. In general, I don’t like blonde men, or very pale skinned, or high cheekboned, etc but though he has all those, he is someone from my fantasies. Maybe he just has that fantastic combination of seductive smile, bad boy swagger and good looks !! Too bad he has a girlfriend  or a wife !! lol 

The show “the Expanse” came to an abrupt end and I scratched my head !! I’m like What the F ?! I must say that’s one perfect show where the story, the actors and the scenes just mesh !! I vented to my colleague at work as he and I share this love for sci-fi stuff and also stargazing !! We decided we may have to buy the books and read the ending. 

I’m immensely pleased that my patriots have a good future as Mac Jones joined the team !! As I predicted Buccaneers are out which makes me happy as I consider Tom Brady a traitor for leaving the team !! At this point I don’t care who wins but I think I’m rooting for Bills or San Fran 49ers.  

Warriors are doing very well and hopefully they continue to do well and not be out with injuries and they need to get the NBA championship so yours truly can smile her most seductive smile !! 
Also, honestly sometimes it’s annoying when one speaks two or three languages (like me) and when you type fast you hit that globe button accidentally and you type something which is nonsensical and you realize that after sending it !! 

Winter is full on and though not snowing that much, it’s bitterly cold. I wake up on these mornings, watching blades of sun light on my indoor plants, sipping orange juice  while I wait for the bread to pop out of the toaster and coffee to brew. I read somewhere a while ago that we waste most of our time while waiting, in expectation, in not-doing something. Like at a checkout line or at a traffic stop. I have my buttered toast and sunlight; kitties & me in my warm flannel nightie, look out of the French doors (windows ??) with content and in silence watching the birds fly in to eat their breakfast. The rats also come to eat the bird seed I put out for the birds and I swear they plumped up !!  I haven’t figured out how to leave water to these creatures as the water keeps freezing. For now I’ll cherish all these memories lest they fade.

“Le silence est le lieu privilégié de l’émotion. Avant de parler, pendant les quelques secondes où on réfléchit à ce qu’on va dire, c’est peut-être là qu’on montre une partie de son âme. 
Silence is the privileged place of emotion. Before speaking, during the few seconds when we think about what we are going to say, it is perhaps there that we show a part of our soul.” – Gaspard Ulliel, French actor (1984 – 2022)

week 16 – shelter in place

sitting on the kitchen counter, eating salted caramel ice cream (vegan of course) and listening to bach. i call that self-care

it’s been a while since i got to blog. my brain was taking notes but i didn’t get a chance to actually put them somewhere tangible. so life is going by with no ripples of any kind and i settled into a new pattern and enjoying life in its full glory.

of course life as such isn’t devoid of unpleasant stuff or anxieties but i have overcome them. i had to take care of two sick kitties, and one of them was zz, who was severely dehydrated. i wasn’t paying attention to his condition as i was told by my other vet that he has a chronic prob (or so i was told) where he regularly has coughing fits which ends up in him throwing up and nothing to worry about. oh well, i thought, as he was eating well and so apart from having to see him coughing so violently and feeling sorry that i couldn’t help him, i wasn’t paying attention. i give some milk to another one of my kitties for reasons and z boy helped himself to some of the milk as well. on top of this, i recently got my kids another variety of fancy feast dry food as their regular food isn’t available. all these ended up with him having diarrhea and as he already has his usual vomiting probs, the wee kid ended up with dehydration by the time i noticed. so i took him to the vet and got him some fluids but as he was severely dehydrated, i had to take him to get fluids every day for a whole week. and in the meantime, his appetite wasn’t great and so i had to feed him every couple of hours, a few bites each time so he wouldn’t throw up. and this whole thing got me so exhausted. my current vet told me that she would like to come back as kitty in my house in her next life lol.

and now z boy is a happy kitty, and after he got better, wouldn’t leave my side which makes me tear-up.

every day, early morning and evening hours my two boys (minnu and sonu) and i go out into our backyard, and while they contemplate on life and stuff in the great outdoors, i read books or garden.

i have become nostalgic for my home back in india and so i am recreating the garden of my parents home or i should say my mother’s garden. so i bought all these plants which we had and i am brimming with joy with anticipation of seeing my plants bloom as these are still seedlings. as these are tropical plants, i have to plant them in pots so i can move them indoors when it’s winter.

the other great endeavor i have taken upon is ‘orchids’ !! i want to have a green house at some point in my life and i thought of waiting till i buy my dream house which is currently eluding me, but i realized that time is going by so fast and i should do things i love now rather than wait. so i got myself some orchids, no greenhouse yet, and my time is now consumed in taking care of these guys along with my cats. but man, tho i love all plants, i am partial to orchids.

my garden is growing and my wild flowers started blooming and attracting the butterflies and i am pleased. i want more flowers but as i planted them late i shouldn’t blame them. on the whole my plants and my cats are making me incredibly happy.

alas the boy and i called it quits (or a pause) as it is pointless for me to drag him along as i have no intention of settling down with him. we are still friends (and may be with benefits) but i am cooling it a bit as not having sex doesn’t kill anyone.

i started re-reading adventures of tintin. and just for kicks, i also started rewatching movies my husband and i watched the cube movies, the english patient, session 9, etc. speaking of movies, i finally watched “sophie’s choice” as i always heard people use that phrase and they explained to me what it meant and now that i actually watched it,  i think people use “it’s like sophie’s choice” incorrectly. it actually means:

your children have died and your only choice left is death / suicide because you have no way out from your past, your pain, or the future. 

it doesn’t mean:

making a difficult choice or being unable to choose;  or going along blindly with the crowd or signing up for something you were reluctant about

on a side note, i know human race is evil and i just can’t grasp how anyone can harm someone else on purpose much less kill them and appalls me when little boys kill insects in particularly torturous ways. and so i can never understand how someone can kill small kids no matter what they thought like genocide, or wiping out a line so they don’t comeback for revenge. i keep thinking that such people, when they stand before god, how are they going to justify their actions and if anyone so much as say something like “god in the old testament was a very wrathful god and they did the same things”, i will slap you for your ignorance because god doesn’t change and he is full of love and merciful.

it also made me think about the #metoo movement which is a farce in itself because it was more about hating men than about being a woman which is sad. i keep thinking of the pivotal scene in sophie’s choice where she picks her son to keep over her daughter when forced to choose between them. i’ve noticed that a lot of women will often side with men and boys over their own gender. not always, but many times they will; far more often, it seems, than men will side with women over other men. i don’t think it’s an american thing, or a western thing, but i think it’s a human thing. even in children, boys are favored than girls. and a woman would go through the pains of pregnancy a hundred times to conceive a boy, like he will save her ! i don’t know if it’s cultural conditioning, or some kind of mass stockholm syndrome, or hormones, or something woven into our dna, or what; but it just seems when the chips are down and they have to choose, many women are more likely to side with men to the exclusion of other women, while men are more likely to stick together at the exclusion of women. hopefully this is less common than it seems, and if not, i sure hope it is fading away from our species.

stick together ladies. many of my fellow males will do whatever they can to keep women second class citizens with less wealth, less power, less say, than men have. if you divide yourselves for their favor, they will always have an unfair upper hand. and of course, as always there are exceptions to the rule and there are a few good men and my husband & my lovers included in that roll call and the rest of them are bastards.

now it’s quiet as we hush through glaring summer days as tho it’s winter and full of broken mirrors. silence is numbing down our brains. as i blink, looking into your tired eyes it’s all white around here, like it’s all snow and fairy dust, all collar bones and angles and angels and cotton

in the subtle changes over time, of a love that ebbs and flows, with wild flowers intertwined. i am trying to capture natures beauty through lens, or with cathartic writing. a kaleidoscope of alluring hues reflecting in droplets of morning dew. i can’t keep my eyes open in the glare of the summer light. remember how it used to be when it was warm enough for rain ? the rain washed away today’s scorching summer, to introduce a fragranced cool air in a delicate way. i am nostalgic for mangoes and lychees. but there’s not a soul in this lonely maze of void and emptiness – quiet, dear, for this must be the end of the world again but as someone said (campbell ?) the goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.

week 2 – shelter in place

“nous sommes en guerre” (we are at war). these were the words the french president macron pronounced, just after he announced the lock-down of the entire country. as i was watching the news, i got up to cut myself a piece of bread and ate it compulsively with some cheese. and then i cut another one, still eating it without thinking.  then i started biting my nails and felt my chest tight, and it reminded me of my not-so-old anxiety days. as the boy was watching news with me,  he was also talking on the phone with his own families, trying to manage his own stress. that restlessness feeling was growing stronger, my headache got worse, and this is when i realized that this whole situation was giving me too much anxiety. that’s when i realized i had to do something about it.

this situation is, to say at least, historical. the whole world is concerned. i mean, the last time something this huge happened was during the war ! and feeling a little (or really) overwhelmed is more than normal. however, i think we can all do our best to calm down and focus more on what’s important. so if you’ve been feeling really nervous lately, this post is for you.

watching the news is important for updates, but spending all of your days in front of the tv can quickly become overwhelming, especially when you’re also spending time on social media which is also full of (sometimes fake) news. try to turn off the tv and limit the time you spend on social media.. it’s ok to feel a bit of fomo when not being online 24/7, especially now that everyone is having a huge party on social media, but since we’re all going to spend the next weeks stuck at home, putting yourself a limit when it comes to social media is crucial if you don’t want to be nervous and bothered by the general atmosphere.

it is important to remember that even if the world outside is shut down and seems scary this is temporary and that we all should take this time apart to pause our lives for a moment. when we’re used to running from place to place and working with other people it can be quite difficult to slow down, but right now is a great time for introspection, and for raising self-awareness. so accept what is. literally, everyone is in the same situation as you.

use this time to get some rest. try to wake up naturally, take your time, don’t rush anything. you’ll be fine. be aware of your emotions. listen to what they have to teach you. you have now the time to get to know them better and working on letting them go.

remember the good news. 42% of confirmed cases of covid-19 are healing, which means that approx. 90.000 people in the world are doing great. and so are you.

today it was very foggy / misty and a bit chilli but i loved every moment of it.

this week was very productive. not having someone to clean the house was inconvenient and unfortunate but necessary is mother of invention (in my case, buying the already invented) and bought two robot vacuum cleaners (one for upstairs and one for downstairs) and they are fucking worth every penny i spent (i bought a bit expensive version which mops as well) and i highly recommend these appliances as oh ma god ! they are super efficient and cleaned the fuck out of my house. the only downside (?) was i had to put things in an order so that the robots have unhindered pathways. my wee units had different emotional response; some freaked out, some wanted to fight, some were curious, some (deaf ones) didn’t give a toss.

bought more plants and my landscaper will be dropping in sometime next week and so i can design a rain garden.

this week, i was asked to join a crowdfight covid19 research program where all the scientists volunteer their services and work on research/data. after my work, i chill watching news, have dinner and then work on the data analysis into wee hours in the morning which works fine as i don’t have to get up early to run to work. as i don’t belong to any lab, i am analyzing the data and making my observations, and recommendations and i feel awesome and totally useful to the society and not just occupy space and skin.

i probably put on more weight (if that is even possible as i already weigh a ton) thanks to regular meals the boy is cooking.

this afternoon after i came home from my run of picking up groceries from store, my kitty sonu ran off and jumped the fence to my neighbors, which was stressful to me and once he got back home, i had to stifle my urge to whup his cute little tush but instead gave him some roast chicken which i picked up for them anyway.

the relief of hearing rain and knowing the scent that will rise from the earth’s rich and sharp soil.  when the sighing has gone on so long that you wish you had bottled the rain that had fallen last time (last time, last month, last year) and the rain falls like this: a rhythmical silence on the grass but a constant reminder on the window pane like true love giggles, wiggles and then fades like the smoke against the glass.

a drizzly day ennui

hello it’s a cold, gray and misty sunday… how is your sunday ?

i woke up thinking (for whatever reason), autumn is to say goodbyes and winter is to forget and spring is to have rebirths.

on friday one of my best friends has died of brain cancer and i’m a bit gloomy. mainly because in spite of my endless begging, she wouldn’t let me visit her. i first met ingrid at my current church. (i was a lutheran before i became an adventist) and i bonded with her as she was as outspoken as i am. she was born in germany and had a very unhappy childhood and a nazi as her father; we used to spend our sabbath afternoons having picnics and hiking and having bible studies. this was before i got married and then we drifted apart as i moved away and they moved and you know, life happens. but then i found out that she got separated (or divorced) after she had an affair and stuff. even though this pained me immensely, i’m not gonna judge because remember “happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way – tolstoy”. i wanted to sit with her and giggle and reminisce as for me there are very few happy memories and she was one of them. but now she is gone and well….

yesterday i was at church, and after the sabbath worship services and an elder who knew that i was ingrid’s friend, told me to talk to someone as “i’ve gone through so much” and this adds to my sadness and to try and be not so detached. easy for him to say but i am still processing. i’ve been processing my feelings for a long time now and my “inbox” is actually full.  actually i don’t know how to process my feelings.  i can speak about them, from a third person point of view or as an observer. i am able to analyze and offer my thoughts and i am able to summarize them. but i can’t feel them. i put my life on pause and i wallow in silence. (“i, too, remember that feeling. you are caught between all that was and all that must be. you feel lost…” murakami, hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world.)

life goes on, life goes on, life goes on… i keep muttering to myself

friday afternoon, while coming home from work, dropped by the market to get a roast chicken for my kids and i was wearing my flyers hoodie and this guy in the check out line before me said “i work for them”… and i was chatting with him and discussed their miserable loss the day before and he was like they were all in the vacation mood… i wish i could go and slap each of them, but they are still my boys. i told him that flyers can come and sit in my cubicle anytime they want and he was like “where is this cubicle” and i told him where i work….. and oh, on friday, my boss did the sweetest thing, she hung a flyers idk what you call it but it’s like a flag (from years ago) in my cubicle and it warmed my heart.

i am eagerly waiting for superbowl sunday to rally behind my boys “the patriots”. my friends on facebook and i are fighting and chad is like are you from boston that you are patriots fan and i said, i like boston cream pie does that count ? at my work they are having a super bowl party and i have half a mind to bring some of those pies as all of the people at work (except for tim) are eagles fans… and i need to make sure there are plenty of tissues ready for them for the day after superbowl so they can wipe off their tears… :p

in my kitty news update… horus my child is now officially plump like his mama and he keeps flicking off the top of his feeding tube (the one with white tip) and i spend loads of time looking for this and this morning, i spent two hours looking for the top and i gave up… i plugged his tube with a crudely home made top (i just rolled a piece of paper towel and stuffed it into the feeding tube)

cheeti, my calico kitty who i rescued in 2002 and was so traumatized when we got her, that she wouldn’t let us (now me) touch her or pet her unless she wanted to, now finally trusts me and started spending time with me and now a days sleeps next to me and lets me massage her little body and she has the softest of fur and my eyes turn misty with emotion. i used to ask her if she would ever let me show affection before she or i die.

my skittles girl is definitely a super smart kitty. i feed my kids in paper plates and when my kids lick off the food from the plates the plates tend to move and so my other kids chase the plate. i observed skittles today and when the plate was trying to move away from her, she put her paw on the plate to hold it down and finish her breakfast…i was so fucking impressed with her !

currently, i am running around my house, white rabbit style, washing my bed sheets, clothes, vacuuming, trying to dry my body and my hair and dancing to the pixies and trying to write something philosophical in between and i need another coffee…. and oh oh oh, i want to go for a drive very badly on kelly drive just to feel the cold air hit my face & make me feel alive…

good morning y’all and more later…