week 16 – shelter in place

sitting on the kitchen counter, eating salted caramel ice cream (vegan of course) and listening to bach. i call that self-care

it’s been a while since i got to blog. my brain was taking notes but i didn’t get a chance to actually put them somewhere tangible. so life is going by with no ripples of any kind and i settled into a new pattern and enjoying life in its full glory.

of course life as such isn’t devoid of unpleasant stuff or anxieties but i have overcome them. i had to take care of two sick kitties, and one of them was zz, who was severely dehydrated. i wasn’t paying attention to his condition as i was told by my other vet that he has a chronic prob (or so i was told) where he regularly has coughing fits which ends up in him throwing up and nothing to worry about. oh well, i thought, as he was eating well and so apart from having to see him coughing so violently and feeling sorry that i couldn’t help him, i wasn’t paying attention. i give some milk to another one of my kitties for reasons and z boy helped himself to some of the milk as well. on top of this, i recently got my kids another variety of fancy feast dry food as their regular food isn’t available. all these ended up with him having diarrhea and as he already has his usual vomiting probs, the wee kid ended up with dehydration by the time i noticed. so i took him to the vet and got him some fluids but as he was severely dehydrated, i had to take him to get fluids every day for a whole week. and in the meantime, his appetite wasn’t great and so i had to feed him every couple of hours, a few bites each time so he wouldn’t throw up. and this whole thing got me so exhausted. my current vet told me that she would like to come back as kitty in my house in her next life lol.

and now z boy is a happy kitty, and after he got better, wouldn’t leave my side which makes me tear-up.

every day, early morning and evening hours my two boys (minnu and sonu) and i go out into our backyard, and while they contemplate on life and stuff in the great outdoors, i read books or garden.

i have become nostalgic for my home back in india and so i am recreating the garden of my parents home or i should say my mother’s garden. so i bought all these plants which we had and i am brimming with joy with anticipation of seeing my plants bloom as these are still seedlings. as these are tropical plants, i have to plant them in pots so i can move them indoors when it’s winter.

the other great endeavor i have taken upon is ‘orchids’ !! i want to have a green house at some point in my life and i thought of waiting till i buy my dream house which is currently eluding me, but i realized that time is going by so fast and i should do things i love now rather than wait. so i got myself some orchids, no greenhouse yet, and my time is now consumed in taking care of these guys along with my cats. but man, tho i love all plants, i am partial to orchids.

my garden is growing and my wild flowers started blooming and attracting the butterflies and i am pleased. i want more flowers but as i planted them late i shouldn’t blame them. on the whole my plants and my cats are making me incredibly happy.

alas the boy and i called it quits (or a pause) as it is pointless for me to drag him along as i have no intention of settling down with him. we are still friends (and may be with benefits) but i am cooling it a bit as not having sex doesn’t kill anyone.

i started re-reading adventures of tintin. and just for kicks, i also started rewatching movies my husband and i watched the cube movies, the english patient, session 9, etc. speaking of movies, i finally watched “sophie’s choice” as i always heard people use that phrase and they explained to me what it meant and now that i actually watched it,  i think people use “it’s like sophie’s choice” incorrectly. it actually means:

your children have died and your only choice left is death / suicide because you have no way out from your past, your pain, or the future. 

it doesn’t mean:

making a difficult choice or being unable to choose;  or going along blindly with the crowd or signing up for something you were reluctant about

on a side note, i know human race is evil and i just can’t grasp how anyone can harm someone else on purpose much less kill them and appalls me when little boys kill insects in particularly torturous ways. and so i can never understand how someone can kill small kids no matter what they thought like genocide, or wiping out a line so they don’t comeback for revenge. i keep thinking that such people, when they stand before god, how are they going to justify their actions and if anyone so much as say something like “god in the old testament was a very wrathful god and they did the same things”, i will slap you for your ignorance because god doesn’t change and he is full of love and merciful.

it also made me think about the #metoo movement which is a farce in itself because it was more about hating men than about being a woman which is sad. i keep thinking of the pivotal scene in sophie’s choice where she picks her son to keep over her daughter when forced to choose between them. i’ve noticed that a lot of women will often side with men and boys over their own gender. not always, but many times they will; far more often, it seems, than men will side with women over other men. i don’t think it’s an american thing, or a western thing, but i think it’s a human thing. even in children, boys are favored than girls. and a woman would go through the pains of pregnancy a hundred times to conceive a boy, like he will save her ! i don’t know if it’s cultural conditioning, or some kind of mass stockholm syndrome, or hormones, or something woven into our dna, or what; but it just seems when the chips are down and they have to choose, many women are more likely to side with men to the exclusion of other women, while men are more likely to stick together at the exclusion of women. hopefully this is less common than it seems, and if not, i sure hope it is fading away from our species.

stick together ladies. many of my fellow males will do whatever they can to keep women second class citizens with less wealth, less power, less say, than men have. if you divide yourselves for their favor, they will always have an unfair upper hand. and of course, as always there are exceptions to the rule and there are a few good men and my husband & my lovers included in that roll call and the rest of them are bastards.

now it’s quiet as we hush through glaring summer days as tho it’s winter and full of broken mirrors. silence is numbing down our brains. as i blink, looking into your tired eyes it’s all white around here, like it’s all snow and fairy dust, all collar bones and angles and angels and cotton

in the subtle changes over time, of a love that ebbs and flows, with wild flowers intertwined. i am trying to capture natures beauty through lens, or with cathartic writing. a kaleidoscope of alluring hues reflecting in droplets of morning dew. i can’t keep my eyes open in the glare of the summer light. remember how it used to be when it was warm enough for rain ? the rain washed away today’s scorching summer, to introduce a fragranced cool air in a delicate way. i am nostalgic for mangoes and lychees. but there’s not a soul in this lonely maze of void and emptiness – quiet, dear, for this must be the end of the world again but as someone said (campbell ?) the goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.

week 10 – shelter in place

summer is here and with it comes delicious fruit and exciting reads straight from my book collections. my cats and i love afternoons in the sunshade, full of cool cherries and a nice glass of cold lemonades for me.

it’s been full three weeks since i blogged, if i were not mistaken as i became a bit bored and super busy. the highlights included one of my friends emailing me out of the blue. apparently his son asked him who is your oldest friend and he remembered me ! mallick was my neighbor and a very dear childhood friend. he motivated me to excel in studies and come to the us. during our summer holidays, while all the kids were playing outside, he and i would be preparing to the next year as he was one year senior to me and he would give me his notes, text books, and so by the time school reopened for the next year, i am done with homeworks in all subjects and i know everything which needs to know. good goddamn times !

i have kind of slacked off blogging as i was otherwise occupied. i’m friends with my colleagues in it (info tech)  and we were chatting about what shows to watch and one guy convinced me i should watch a couple of shows on hbo, so i subscribed to that channel as well. i think once my cable service contract is up, i am going to downgrade to internet only. anyway, hbo came with full series of game of thrones and i never got into that show as i wanted to first read the books. but as the shows are there, i started reading the books and started watching the shows. i thought the first four seasons are great as they closely followed the books and the later seasons were quite stupid. i also realized why the show was popular as there is so much of fucking and tits and cunts galore. the boy and i thought we would rather have the books made into video games as it could be like a strategy game with lots of killing.

the other important thing which happened and kept me busy was, i have taken up working on a research project for nasa as my friend recruited me. so now i’m working on two projects apart from my regular work. here i must pause and thank god, that i get paid a lot, i mean a lot, at my current full time position for doing nothing. and i don’t feel badly about this as i used to beg for more projects at work. so here i’m getting paid a lot, for doing almost a couple of hours of work per week. and this is perfect opportunity for me for diversifying my portfolio during these times.

i have worked on my garden and planted all my darling bulbs. my babies are increasingly clingy to me to the point if i am leave the room they follow me around. i, on the other hand, became quite comfortable ordering things online and wearing masks when going out. the one thing which i have to take care of and i haven’t found a good solution yet is taking my cars for inspection as that would involve me staying there during the inspection which could last hours. i used to drop the car off and get a ride back home but with our current situation i am not planning to get into someone else’s car.

i’ve been watching “the adulterer”, a dutch show (walter presents) and this lady who returns home from prison says, “it’s the smell that i missed” which got me thinking.  it is true isn’t it ? how do i say “the smell of the people you love is something you know innately & is deeply comforting & while i’ll never know my own smell (and i am quite positive, i smell like cats) i hope that it’s nice & learning someone’s smell means that you just … know it for like, ever, even if you can’t clearly articulate what it is actually like” without sounding like a huge creep, like jean-baptiste grenouille (peter suskind’s book the perfume)

but i think when you love somebody you learn to recognize their smell, and this smell makes you happy. because you relate to them. it reminds me how i’d give my cats my clothes when they are to spend a night or two at the vet hospital so that they can hold onto because they learned to love that smell. i think there’s nothing creepy about the visceral sense of known and safe and loved that comes from the smell of home.

like i loved my parents and the time we would spend together in our home in india. with the iron gate which made the teensy squeak when opened or the slight catch of my front door that much more appealing, the comfort of familiarity wafting out to greet me, and i realized i recognized it.

yes, but at the same time, it can be tragic too. when they finally decide to leave you behind, their smell lingers behind them along with your memories of them, only making you miss them more. you smell someone similar and turn around hoping its them, but its not. the place you know that they used to be, their smell slowly dissipates from there and when it’s finally gone, you know they are too. a scent can be like a ghost.

i am a work in progress and i am ok with it. my sciatic nerve started calming down and the pain is bearable. i will soon start some heavy duty workout challenges to control the ever expanding tummy.

evenings now a days are blissful and my twin boys and i go out to enjoy the evening fresh air and watch the world go by. the more i let nature in, the more i indulge it, give it time, sit amongst the nature, be the silent observer, the more i connect with it, almost at a spiritual level. like i could sit here on the grass floor of my backyard and it would grow over me, the brambles intertwining between my legs, the birds nestling in my hair. it all just feels incredibly peaceful, to be one with everything, feel everything, not to think, not to worry or question, just to nurture the life around me.

i strive so much for happiness, tranquility, for paradise in my life, but what if i were already there ? what if i have already walked far beyond the pearly gates and have just forgotten what came before. and would that change everything ? if god stood in front of me and said ‘hey there, you’re here, you made it, have fun !’ would i do things a little differently ? so as i lie on the grass in the cool part of the evening here, with nothing more than my cats, the sun and the birds and the greenfly walking over my skin, i ask myself, is hell just a place that i create because i feel like i don’t belong ?

i feel like a preacher and this feels like a sermon. i feel guided by higher presence, and right now, in this moment, i feel a little peace.

week 7- shelter in place

schrodinger virus

this cartoon just about sums up our existence ! another blissful week of solitude, sex and lots of cursing.

this week’s accomplishments included in actually finding a carton of toilet paper, yay me ! i didn’t actually needed it but while i was doing my biweekly supply run and stocking up on coffee and as it was there, it was perfect.

oh i had to bring my kitty to a nearby vet (my actual vet is about an hour away) for an ear infection and this was so weird as we are doing our social distancing; when i arrived at the hospital i called them, and the tech came out and took the baby in (and poor kid he was crying) and the doctor, called me on phone and put me on speaker while examining him, and i was explaining the symptoms etc and we ended the call with “hopefully we will see each other soon”. i paid for the services with a credit card from the parking lot. so much fun ! they may become my primary vet for my kids.

the boy finally got his steaks (both beef and salmon); i prepared and cooked him a steak on stove top in a pan as i don’t usually use oven a lot. usually i marinate the steak at least a day in indian spices and the boy loved it ! this week, i also gave in and had a tuna salad sandwich which was quite strange for me to eat but i was sick of eating the same veggies all the time and also sick of eggs and also the tuna salad has more mayo than tuna i think. i make extremely good and tasty tuna salad sandwiches, truly the ideal quarantine food packed with protein and pickles and a bunch of secret spices, and my boy will never know what he’s missing because he is an insane person who refuses to eat anything that is even remotely mayonnaise adjacent.

also i am thinking probably by the end of the quarantine i would be approx. 400 lbs and round because of all the prednisone and it is all my cunning plan to save money on transit expenses as the rounder i get, all i need to do is roll myself to the office !

i also watched “into the night” (belgian tv series) and i thought it was really a well thought sci-fi show. while we have our own problems with the sars -cov2, the earth is benefiting the most what with the air pollution decreasing and ozone layer is actually resealing ! in a way this virus helped humans but what with humans are the stupidest species on the planet, this gain is short lived.

boy and i are planning to watch eta aquariids meteor showers in the coming days and hopefully the skygods will be benevolent and we will have clear skies. for this we have to get up around 3 a.m. and i think it is going to be fun as now a days my circadian rhythm is fucked, and i am sleeping around 2 a.m. and getting up around 7 a.m.

they say love is shared oranges, like fingers stained with nectarine juice and sticky kisses. they say love is laughter and sunshine and the summer sun caressing your face and gentle breeze blowing your hair.

but my love has never been quite that pure. my love is a little bit more like bloody lips and feral smiles and love bites. like if someone who can finally match my darkness. my love is a wild thing, like thunder and tornadoes, like drenching in the rain, soaked to the bone. love is kisses that taste like lightning.

there are divine things more beautiful than we can even imagine.

week 3 – shelter in place

we are living in a world of sorrows and a valley of many many tears; tears for us, tears for others; i keep chanting, wake up early; exercise; drink good coffee; stop worrying; less screen time. read books, buy books. have a bowl of honey nut oats !

this week was ok and a bit anxiety stricken when my lungs tightened. here’s a fun fact. i’m never sure if my anxiety makes my lungs tighten giving me asthma or if my asthma, gives way to my anxiety and in a way they both are correct and it is like ouroboros. anyway, one thing i’m sure is when it’s goddamn humid out my lungs tighten and like a cat i always map an escape route, but this covid-19 situation put a spanner in my plans as i would rather not go to a hospital anytime soon, and i’m not sure my panicking brain would like that idea.

i had a mild anxiety attack because i was thinking about the hospitals and emergency rooms and how they must resemble a war zone like this show m.a.s.h which i watched ages ago, and how they must be overflowing with these covid-19 people and when i was young, i also spent a fortnight in an emergency area of a hospital (on account i was involved in an accident when my classmates and i went to north india for an field trip and i was so far away from my family or my hometown; and i get to see all kinds of farm accidents, burnt victims, etc) and i also overthought about how if i can’t subside my asthma i may have to go to the hospital (also because my inhaler is on back order; and also the boy was’t home) – fun times !

it is breaking my heart to read about so many unnecessary deaths and all because humans have this need to eat the flesh of animals ! and to top it off, why the fuck people not care about staying home just a few days to contain this ? on friday evening i was in my back yard with my boy kitties, so they can get fresh air and my neighbors were going on a walk together, together !! as if nothing is the matter and they invited me to go with them ! any other time, it’s fine but now a days a big fucking no ! i don’t want to come in contact with someone who i don’t live with. sorry ! i don’t know about all of you, but i have been doing shopping every two weeks ! i order a lot of things for delivery but majority of stuff i get in every two weeks so as to minimize my coming in contact with anyone (exception to this is i go to get veggies every couple of days but this is very late at night and i get in and out in 15 mins) – the two weeks period is so i can check for any symptoms developing just in case.

everything i buy (delivery & things i pickup) i scrub with paper towels soaked in soapy water. scrub scrub i go, the door handles and refrigerator handles, etc. the same goes to the financial times paper i subscribe. before i go out, i deposit fresh clothes by the door and once i get my stuff inside, i shed my clothes, wash hands, put on fresh clothes and toss the clothes in wash.

i have always been a germophobe and i went through phases where i carried my cell phone in ziplock bags (when i was working with hiv, hbv pathogens) and washed my hands raw with alcohol.

who knew life would be like this just because humans eat animal flesh ! i honestly feel like i am living through the scenes of walking dead (tho no zombies and thank the fuck people didn’t turn into zombies) when i go out late, no one is about except for a few people here and there in my neighborhood. mind you, i’m not complaining.

my pastor and elders check in on their congregation and they have a huge reservation about this boy i’m dating. their reservations are he is young and not a believer. and my reservation is he is not a believer. but whenever i look at him, i feel like peeling the layers of his brain to find out why he likes me as i try and keep people at bay, not giving an ounce of warmth till i actually get close to them and getting anyone close to me takes a few days to a few years ! it’s not like he has an ulterior agenda like he loves me because of money (as he makes more than i make) or because i’d make a trophy wife, though i could have been one but i chose academia over superficiality and to top it off, i’ve been a card carrying feminist since i was 15 and i never aspired to belong to a sorority. a slight tangent, what’s wrong with this country ? why do they strive so much to attract men and become fucking cheerleaders ? i heard that marilyn monroe had an iq of 145 or something but excuse me, any woman who has that high of an iq would never bleach her hair blonde, or bat her eye lashes to woo men and talk with barbie like voice and become a doormat for men who just want to use her. (the boy who is reading next to me is cheering me on and is telling me that he will bleach his hair blond for me and will bat his lashes; and i told him that he can suck my proverbial dick) i have been blessed in that i attract real good blokes who love my mind more than my looks and i can’t be thankful enough. this boy is loving and kind and witty;  one time someone asked me why i always keep my hair up (i don’t like to keep it down as i’ve awful lot of hair and i don’t like to brush and so after i wash my hair i wear it up) and the boy went, winking at her, “her hair comes down during the right times” and we all giggled like school girls ! but i still would like him to be a believer, keeping the sabbath, returning the tithes to god (and a vegetarian).

i have been aggressively buying stocks (i bought a bunch of tech stocks this week) with every penny i am saving and i decided i will continue to invest till end of july and in a couple of years i will be able to reap the cash.

we caved and ordered “contactless delivery” pizzas and gosh what a world we live in. i have reverted to the eating habits of my childhood; eat a complete meal including dessert, and coffee around 9 pm. also watched “nightflyers” on netflix and it was silly but interesting. as i haven’t born or raised in this country, i decided i will watch some old shows and started watching “green acres” (which is oodles of fun), and “alf” and lord, alf is really repetitive and not at all my cup of tea.

and oh, this week’s highlights include me cutting my own hair and trying to coax the boy to wax my lady bits as all this hair is annoying the hell out of me; so far he is not willing as he thinks he will hurt me. stay tuned !

there are beautiful things in the world worth fighting for. this long night we’ve come into, holds both nightmares and dreams; mark this passing as solemn time, to be energized, to adjust ourselves to what we should let go and what we should hold onto; all through this turmoil, let’s hope love will rise; bursting through these weeping tears, hope to shouts of transformation; hope our world will be a different place. a new season is dawning quickly for those who follow the pace and even though we can’t see the beauty of this seed, lo, it holds a brand-new way of life.

delicate

what’s with the boys i date (or marry) and kayaks ? the boy declared that he would like us to go kayaking, as soon as the weather permits and i’m like you are insane because i’m pretty much convinced that i would drown in my own bath-tub… i hate any activities on water, like tubing (which i did and felt that i may drown), boating (which i did and felt that i may drown), almost surfing (and pretty much drowned) ! one of the guys i date a while back (before i was married), wanted us to go to belize on his boat or a yacht or whatever the goddamn thing americans buy and so no my dear boy, we ain’t doing that or to be precise, i’m not doing any kayaking but you may !

also we are thinking we will go salsa dancing (i do dance salsa, the boy doesn’t as he is a neanderthal) and take a language class possibly german or japanese. when i realized that i might take any class with the boy, something awakened in me…. like in a kinky sort of way….. like it makes me wet just to think that !

i forgot to mention but i did go to a therapist. i sat at the edge of my chair, didn’t even remove my jacket,all my stuff on my lap. as soon as the introductions were done, i told him that i may not talk or worse, i may run away as that’s the best thing i always good at. he said not to worry but to just chat. he was picked by my doctor but if i decide to continue i may find someone nearer to my home.

healthwise, i have gone back to the gym #hallelujah, #praise the lord and hopefully i will stay but i may quit the gym at my work and continue the one near my house. and oh, remember my cholesterol being almost 220 !?! my doctor repeated the test because she wasn’t certain and it’s normal levels now and everything is peachykeen but she wants to repeat it again in about three months which is fine by me. come next week, i am thinking of moving my money into government bonds as the market is quite uncertain due to corona. speaking of corona as my boss & others travel a lot, i may opt for flexible work place option and work from home as i have no interest in contracting flu or corona as people in general are very unhygienic and no consideration for other people. and one of the other reasons why i was driving in every day was because of other passengers in public transportation.

february is coming to a close and la de fucking da ! i could have done without the goddamn heartache. and wow my emotions really are hot garbage this week huh. i cried a river, build a bridge and got over it. i bit off a piece of golden thread and wove the strand through the pieces of my heart with a needle – to hold myself together. then i listened to sad and angry and beautiful music and i wrote about everything that makes the world stop and also what makes it spin again. i went and had a coffee with the boy and we hiked and biked to a forest, took a nap for an hour, fucked hard on the still cold ground, and got dirty from lying on the ground but didn’t care about it. i know that that the fractures seal and they may leave a scar but like a broken leg, i have learnt to dance with a limp before and sense the rain is coming by the ache. i honestly think, it wasn’t that bad of a heartbreak anyway because in my heart of hearts i knew he wasn’t for me but sometimes i am dumb, what can i say ? my friends think that i should raise a flag of my hideous act of dumbness ! but great things came out of this as the boy promised he will go to church with me this sabbath and i’m like achievement unlocked ! now if i get him to return tithes and to have him go to church with me every week, half the war is won (also may be have him become a vegetarian) ! but baby steps !

our story starts small. starts with bread crumbs and becomes constellations. our hands a postage stamp to explore each other. our hearts tethered by a thread. at night we have lain awake, naked for a story that started mid sentence. untraveled roads and unraveled dreams. someone else’s language on my tongue with an aftertaste of other people’s name. like i am supposed to be somewhere else. like you carried me elsewhere. this is all just sweet happenstance. we can call it hope. we can color it lemon yellow and bright blue like a prism of our seeing and meeting.

i hope this won’t be necessary but let it be known that this too will pass. pain is temporary and so are the situations.

one day i’ll be having my christmas dinner with the family i chose, maybe i’ll have gone to another, colder country to make it really feel like christmas, and i’ll watch the grinch, and i’ll never remember the past and all i have to do is wait for the storm to pass.

there’s nothing i can’t endure. i’ll just start making a plan and slowly organize my next life.

fate

i have become bold in recent days, stripping each layer of myself, becoming hopelessly vulnerable again.i thought  i dreamt that i had something to say but i didn’t wake up in time to tell you. i have been a shadow and a hostage in your hands. i squeeze my fists together, the redness turning white, bare bone begging to be covered by your fluttering lips. but you won’t know me and you won’t come back. in this universe, i’m quite wide awake under the orange sky, my heart butterfly opened by a car crash dream. in another universe, i’m small and happy on a passenger seat, with you driving. like i imagined countless times. look, there is another broken dream lodged in my teeth. it’s almost tomorrow somewhere, but here now, today, feels like a tomorrow. i already had another life and in spite of doing my best to take a train departing to the opposite direction, here i’m at the same train station, holding onto the ticket for happiness and a clenched jaw. i thought i was getting better facing my darkness.  because whatever happens later, i’ll never escape what i’m. all these twisted, broken thoughts, please tell me they’re not all i’m…

i don’t know how to say that i’m happy for you with a smile on my face. how do you look someone in the eye that you love and tell them that you’re happy they found someone else ? i do so and i can feel my heart exploding inside my chest. but i’m happy for you, i truly am. i’m happy you’re happy, i just will always wish it was with me.

i wish you knew i will miss you in the loving ways and at least i didn’t lose you to death this time !

adieu american boy !

et bonne année 2020

wow it has been a few weeks since i last posted ? well happy new year, and here’s a dollop of me and what i’m up to now a days. were i a seashell and were you to come along, pick me up, and put me to your ear, this is what you’d hear today.

i feel winter warm and blanket soft and it snowed today… we had some splendid, respectable snow and while listening to bach i’m puttering around the house thinking february is around the corner rushing in smelling of snow and wood smoke. where did january go ? oh by the way, by the time i put some warm clothes on and strolled downstairs to shovel, scott, my neighbor already took care of it which is really such a nice thing to do and so i went and threw salt (pet-safe) on our walkways as that’s the least thing i could do. i probably will get him a thank you cake tomorrow.  it was really nice day to lounge about in underwear and drink cocoa.

my christmas vacation was fantastic on account that it was respectably cold for december with no snow and a few clear nights so i went (with the boy) star gazing and dwelling on the nature of planets and stars and searched the skies for ufos / aliens. new year came in swiftly and casually and with right notes, and with american boy smelling like orange blossoms but it quickly hit sour notes (what the fuck life ?) with patriots out of american football play-offs.

i’m mostly happy and anxious free but my anxiety hits high notes when my kids get sick. it makes me sick to my stomach when i think they are suffering. as they are growing old their wittle bodies are slowing down.

all i do now a days is eat healthy, not go to gym (shame on me) and read books (after waiting months i finally got to borrow eleanor oliphant is completely fine) or watch news / bbc sit-coms. can’t ask more from my life, as my asthma is under control, thanks to my decision to blow money on parking and drive to work every day and so no prednisone and no albuterol and so your truly is feeling fantastic and super horny. can you believe that i, who yelled at the boy for pouncing on me every time he sees me (and ripping off a number of new panties), have the unmitigated gall to l say a sad “please sir can i have some more ?” which gave him a temporary upper hand which lasted only till i orgasmed for the nth time of the night… you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become a pathetic loser.

work life is fine as i have decided as long as i get paid the right kind of salary i don’t need to grow because i started investing and so god willing, i will retire in a few years (five plus or minus). so recently we acquired a new colleague mike, and i have to mention him. i think i already mentioned him once before. he is such a sweet heart and kind and i have awful suspicion that he may have a huge crush on me or he may just be being friendly but my women’s intuition is telling me that he “like” likes me. and honestly i love that attention but i refrain to flirt back as he is not yet thirty and i don’t date anyone under thirty. but i am keeping him as a back up plan as this boy would make an excellent husband and did i mention that he is kind ? and i figured i don’t have to train him much to make me a good husband. but alas, he is young and he probably should have a whole family like children and cats. in the mean time while i am amused, i am also curious to know what he really is thinking and i will keep you posted if i find out.

you know, i’ve really gotten to a point in my life where i have a healthy fear of bach and that’s what we call growth. i recently heard this concerto playing on radio (thank you gregg whiteside of wrti) and oh ma lord, i had to pull over and listen to it while crying. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rkucnttars.

so this is one of the coolest things i’ve heard in a long time… bach’s mysterious and almost jazzy concertos and may i also add, orgasmic music.

the fact is at this time of my life i’m finally willing to admit that without bach life would be a mistake. i can’t believe bach wrote an entire cantata  (20+ minutes) about coffee because honestly, same.  and the other funny things he did : picked a fight with a bassoonist calling him a “nanny-goat bassoonist”; threw his wig at a musician who played a wrong note; the second movement of brandenburg concerto no. 3, which is just two half-note chords.

and the coffee cantanta is such a funny story – when i first heard this cantanta, i went and looked up the libretto for the story. bach did this c. 1735. through trade and changing economic situations, coffee became popular in europe during the 18th century, and coffee houses opened up where people would sit and relax with a cup of coffee while listening to some kind of entertainment. thanks to this newfound caffeine rush, i’d argue, the enlightenment philosophic movement took off [for better or worse]. however, not everyone was in on the coffee craze. it seems that in germany, for example, some people may have been worried that coffee drinking was a bad habit. and j.s. bach, notable for writing deeply profound religious cantatas, decided to write a short comedy, and most likely this was meant to be played at a coffee house. the “coffee cantata” opens up with a narrator telling the audience to quiet down and get ready for the story, already establishing the lighthearted mood. it starts off with a man named schlendrian [literally “stick-in-the-mud”] who is annoyed that his daughter, lieschen, is addicted to coffee and refuses to stop drinking it no matter how much he insists she should. lieschen even sings a love aria…to coffee itself. schledrian threatens to get rid of his daughter’s things, like clothes and food, unless she stops drinking coffee. she ignores him. pondering on what he could do to convince her, schledrian decides that he will forbid her to marry unless she drops her coffee habit. she gives in. but when schledrian finds suitors for her to judge, she secretly tells them that she will only marry if her future husband lets her have all the coffee she wants. it ends with a “moral”: drinking coffee is natural. and, that’s it. it’s charming and silly, and it’s a good example to fight off the people who think bach is too cold and stoic and serious. and it is as relatable now as it was back in the baroque era. today, the world runs on coffee, and caffeine addictions are pretty common, and probably the least harmful addiction out there. the love aria to coffee is so relatable, “ah ! how sweet coffee tastes ! lovelier than a thousand kisses, smoother than muscatel wine. coffee, i must have coffee, and if anyone wants to give me a treat, ah !, just give me some coffee !” and my favorite line comes from lieschen who laments “if i couldn’t, three times a day, be allowed to drink my little cup of coffee, in my anguish i will turn into a shriveled-up roast goat”, because honestly y’all, same.

i love how some composers were able to take an instrument to a whole other level through their works, making it sound like it never had before, in a completely new light. like i always adored mozart and bethoven and to an extent chopin. chopin’s nocturnes and bach’s art of the fugue are the two examples that come to my mind when i think about how these composers had such a brilliant understanding of the instruments they wrote these pieces for that they literally composed in a way that exploited the potential of the piano & the organ to an extent nobody ever has.

so my darlings, here’s to brand new experiences and new memories. i’m hoping to enjoy life deeply, explore my surroundings and hopefully have another ufo experience like the one i had a few years ago. also friendly reminder that saying yes to new experiences and opportunities even if you’re a little afraid of them is super brave and great !!! but also remember that you have a right to say no and that you do not owe anybody (even yourself) an explanation. we can’t take care of other things if we are not taking care of ourselves first. ciao mes petites !

drizzly friday

this is how we roll !

it’s foggy, cold, and drizzly outside…that drizzly kind of rain that clings to everything and covers the world with dewdrop diamonds…. the perfect friday for staying under sheets, cuddles with kitties, and immersive reads… hope it clears out by tonight as we are going to have meteor showers and i’m ready with my blanket to watch them whiz by…

2019-11-22

reminders

so fall is officially here and september is passing without all those cold damp days !!  my heart and soul have yearned all year for short days, crisp air, and leaves of red and gold drifting slowly to the ground. i thrive in autumn. in autumn, it feels as though i can finally breathe. i am ready for cozy blankets, homemade apple pies, pumpkin candles, fuzzy socks, the smell in the air as the wind blows cool. i am wholeheartedly ready for autumn.

i love wearing oversized sweaters, eating soups, crunch leaves, aargh !! i am alive !!

as i’m writing this, my cat petals is next to me dreaming of something and making soft noises. i’ve come to realize that i’m living in some sort of valley even tho the mountains, are not actually mountains, but they are a respectable hills… i’m super excited for fall to arrive to paint the trees with beautiful strokes of orange, red, yellow… i live in an eden, y’all !

my boys patriots have been marching towards superbowl whatever, crushing their opponents, creating unnecessary drama (aka atonio brown) and they have been better than they were before. on my health update: past week has been a bit rough for me as i was mostly “light headed”. i think the prednisone had functioned only way too well and my lungs were completely open and i was breathless for completely different reasons. well i immediately stopped taking prednisone monitoring my breathing and keeping myself consciously focused. also i was the first one to get a flu shot for this season.

i’ve been interviewing as people keep bugging me. but i have set my salary high as i really don’t need to look for another job.

the biggest update of my life is :  the coop girls from work and i have formed an investment group and we are planning to invest in various joint ventures. i am thrilled to bits because this actually challenges me as i am not made to work from 9 to 5. i have tried to no end to get more skills from the goddamn department where i work, but that came to no fruition. what pisses me off more is that none of those people, i approach got no balls to tell me that they don’t want to teach me. but despair not ! i have found others who are willing to teach me and take my help.

the girls whom i have come to think of as my daughters, and i work at a lot of logic puzzles and when we chat we are always talking about our careers, future and us being feminists. i really think they look up to me as their mentor, and they have a lot of admiration for me and vice versa. they are young and getting started on their lives and i am really happy to make that impact on their lives and even if they take a nanobyte of what i taught them and apply to their lives, my purpose is done. i  really think as humans, we should be more than a simple mammal which eats and poops… i need to challenge myself and excel. and working on investing gives me that outlet. i’ve given myself five years to stabilize my life which was upside down with my husband’s death and i’m patting myself on my back as it’s not yet year three, and i’m well ahead of the schedule !

the girls the other day did the sweetest thing for me. in passing i mentioned to them i love when someone leaves me notes. and both my husband and my love julien used to leave me notes and i miss that a lot. so on monday, when i went to work, my whole monitor was filled with post it notes and they were quite creative. i laughed so much and also, i fucking teared up ! i need to bring those notes to my home so i can cherish them when i am old and sitting in a rocking chair with a couple of kitties on my lap.

already buying a house went on a back burner this year and in lieu of that i thought of buying another suv, and was debating between bmw x7 and bmw x5 and i have finally settled on x5, but i think i am gonna push that to the back burner till next year.

i’m quite pleased with myself lately as i’m very energized and seemed to be on the road to healing. the darkness seems to be making way to light, sun, humor and best of all, the feeling of doom is slowly going away..

missing my husband a lot. i mean it’s five years already and why the fuck can’t i forget ?  i went out with the boy and sat a table for five in a moroccan restaurant, that exclusively played classical music, and he assured me that i should write more poetry and that the world would listen if i spake….. i told him he should get laid, preferably by me. i was there before, soon after my husband had died. i remembered looking around me through my tears and secretly hoping someone would fall in love with me.  it was ages ago and i have paved my ways with my teeth… constantly grinding them and tightening them.

life was strange and always always hard for me. i constantly remind myself of the good friends, lovers who saved me from ending it all. tears and more tears. i have seen good and bad. went through a lot and through it all. i haven’t learned much. but i have given up on fighting and wanting. lather. rinse. repeat.

when my love julien died, i’ve thrown away all of my calculators since i’ve seen last of him. i no longer needed to measure the speed of my blood which flows in my vein when he walked towards me.

i grew weary. who is it that said our beds are crowded with the ghosts of our past ? i don’t have many ghosts but i have bitter shadows. the boy is away for his work and i keep waking up to the sound of my heartbeat. i’m writing a poem for him in the shower. i often find myself in the grips of loneliness. is this what love is ? or is it the myth of love…

the boy assures me. he is ready to marry me. he pledged that he will be faithful to me. i told him, once, twice, on repeat… i don’t care for his promises; as long as you are open and honest with me. all i want from him is that he won’t forget. i want to be able to look at a mirror and not see the ghosts of my past who dug their graves inside me. if i were to be a cemetery to all these ghosts, i at least want to be able to have a garden and not just be a rotting old coffin who houses all these ghosts. let me bloom. let me stretch my neck towards the stars & gather the warmth. let me water them with my tears. let me hold my skin together to house my withering spirit and not sink into the darkness. this is not a lament at being heart broken. this is just a simple wish to gather the moons, stars & wishes and put them in my pockets. after all, pants with pockets are really important when the nights are this cold and dark.

cats, caffeine, & sweatpants

it’s been a while since i updated and tonight is truly a perfect night. it’s been raining all through the day and i stayed home today as humidity & my lungs are not friends and yesterday when my chest tightened, i knew i probably should stay home, sure enough this morning when i woke up, i started wheezing. so i stayed and watched rain pour down. i kept my window slightly open, letting the sounds of pittering rain, rumbling thunder, and the occasional rush of tires on the wet street into my room to tickle my ears. i wish i had a window seat with lots of pillows that i could sit on and drink tea and read books and watch the rain, but lounging in sweatpants, surrounded by cats and drinking coffee is also wonderful. most of the evening i was sitting hunched over an open notebook, scrawling furiously (messily), losing my mind to research, and surrounded by my kids sleeping around me, my eyes getting distracted, bouncing back and forth between the small, luminous reading light and the ever-so-frequent flash of lightning. eerie music that is somehow soothing plays as background sensory intake. a dark, lonesome, fulfilling night. life is cool sometimes.

oh my lil peanut is at a wild life sanctuary as i soon realized if i were to keep her alive i have to feed her like every hour on the hour as she eats like a bird (#sidelook) and as much as i would like to keep her, it’s a fulltime job. on the top of it, couple of my boy cats started showing symptoms of urinary tract infection, which is quite dangerous for boy cats as their urethra is so narrow, & they could get blocked just like that and so i really needed to pay attention. so i drove her down to the wild life center and gave her up and luckily for her they also have other fledglings as a family so, i’m sure she is in good hands.

the first or second week of june i came down with flu which was not fun at all as i had respiratory distress and grumblingly i took another course of prednisone which makes me ravenous and pads on more fat. it’s kind of losing battle at this point i think, and i should just give up and eat all the goddamn pastries and become 400 pounds and die…. but then again, if i die, who would care for my kids ? it’s a catch-22 situation.

anyway, so there i was, full of flu and prednisone, feeling sorry for myself, when i was invited to speak on alzheimer’s to a bunch of young adults and it was like a life line. i felt so goddamn good as there is nothing in the entire world which makes me happy as when someone recognizes my intelligence !

so as the day is fast approaching, (july 16) i am working on my talk. before my life took a plunge into the abyss, i was enrolled in doctoral program working on alzheimer’s and if things worked out the way i planned, i would have finished my phd and either would have been working for academia or would have worked on starting my own company with the help of some investors.

anyway, i am super excited to use my brains for this talk and am grateful for this opportunity, a few changes are about to come in to my life, but this is cool.

to add to the list of men i am dating, now am dating a frenchie (from vienna) as well and not a true frenchie but oh well… close enough ! so my social life is quite full but my sex life is at a halt which is really sad as i really need to get fucked thoroughly ! my boy sandalwood (we are now at an impasse for reasons) is ready to “sacrifice his morals” (his words) and is willing to service me sexually. i may take up on his offer, but i’m currently distracted with other things and i’m not yet quite desperate for a fuck.

what a change a year makes ! last year at this time, i was in a different house which was not well regulated weatherwise and when weather is the way it is right now, like super humid, we felt it as the house was drafty and it didn’t make any difference even when the air conditioner was running. i am thankful to god for his blessings and giving us this.  my cats assumed the breadbox position (it’s a bit chilly) as the thermostat stays at 65 because of humidity.

over the july fourth weekend (also known as independence day) i partied hard and why not ? been to a friend’s wedding and hiked (panting heavily because of humidity and taking multiple doses of albuterol) – frenchie and i went to lake and paddled about a bit, and sun bathed topless and my boobs are now sunburnt; while we were having lunch, he was like, may be next time, we should fish. and i went, have you met me ? and oh i had to add eggs into my diet as on july 2nd i almost fainted and stayed dizzy for most of the day which i associated with not getting enough iron, hence no oxygen (i’m already asthmatic & anemic). i probably have to get some iron supplements but eggs are handy for now.

the coop girls and i have a special bond. and i was chatting with the indian one and as i mentioned before, i have a special bond with that girl because we think alike and i feel like she is my daughter. she was adopted. when you are growing up in india, there are things which we as girls do and even though i was never keen on makeup & clothes in fashion sense, but peer pressure has some say in my life, like i was pushed into beauty contests (i went to all girls school) even though i didn’t sign up for them and winning and teasing boys of some company from my classroom window (not very proud of these things) and etc. but i religiously did somethings like self care with indian traditional beauty regimen and natural ingredients. i stopped doing that after my husband’s passing. so she was asking about something and i stated teaching her various face masks and about skin care and i am so happy to pass my knowledge to her (as i would to my daughter) and i told her she needs to do a beauty regimen starting now if she wants to look like she is in her twenties even when she was 5000 years old and also to never ever get into sun. ever ! lol talking to her about all these things is actually giving me motivation to shed my blues and start to take care of myself.

i find the quickest way to happiness is self-acceptance, self-reflection and self-care because the second you become honest with yourself about yourself, you’re open to change and the ability to adapt, in my opinion, is the best way to have this consistent source of happiness enter my life

yes, i still have problems with maintaining happiness, and there are days (even now) i just want to end it or get back to self harming. but i am aware that happiness is still there blinking away like a spark. maintaining hope if the key and once you become hopeless, we are done. being hopeful keeps us going, and if you want to see things through, if you really want to see a smile on your face, keep going

love, the kind you don’t have left for myself, because i have spent so many years giving it all away; have you ever played any zelda type games? you have to use your sword to break vases or to cut the grass for hearts to restore your health. good health requires work. if you really want to improve, you need patience. everything takes time and this is the mantra we should remember,

i don’t care if we have to wake up every single day for the rest of our lives and just stare into the mirror and sigh a small i love you, it’ll work. it’s better than making ourselves feel miserable for something that we did three years ago. we are the same anymore. i’ve changed, you’ve changed. i’ve grown from whatever it was that held me back for so long.  keep telling myself, don’t give your past another inch of your future. control that shit. happiness awaits.