week 10 – shelter in place

summer is here and with it comes delicious fruit and exciting reads straight from my book collections. my cats and i love afternoons in the sunshade, full of cool cherries and a nice glass of cold lemonades for me.

it’s been full three weeks since i blogged, if i were not mistaken as i became a bit bored and super busy. the highlights included one of my friends emailing me out of the blue. apparently his son asked him who is your oldest friend and he remembered me ! mallick was my neighbor and a very dear childhood friend. he motivated me to excel in studies and come to the us. during our summer holidays, while all the kids were playing outside, he and i would be preparing to the next year as he was one year senior to me and he would give me his notes, text books, and so by the time school reopened for the next year, i am done with homeworks in all subjects and i know everything which needs to know. good goddamn times !

i have kind of slacked off blogging as i was otherwise occupied. i’m friends with my colleagues in it (info tech)  and we were chatting about what shows to watch and one guy convinced me i should watch a couple of shows on hbo, so i subscribed to that channel as well. i think once my cable service contract is up, i am going to downgrade to internet only. anyway, hbo came with full series of game of thrones and i never got into that show as i wanted to first read the books. but as the shows are there, i started reading the books and started watching the shows. i thought the first four seasons are great as they closely followed the books and the later seasons were quite stupid. i also realized why the show was popular as there is so much of fucking and tits and cunts galore. the boy and i thought we would rather have the books made into video games as it could be like a strategy game with lots of killing.

the other important thing which happened and kept me busy was, i have taken up working on a research project for nasa as my friend recruited me. so now i’m working on two projects apart from my regular work. here i must pause and thank god, that i get paid a lot, i mean a lot, at my current full time position for doing nothing. and i don’t feel badly about this as i used to beg for more projects at work. so here i’m getting paid a lot, for doing almost a couple of hours of work per week. and this is perfect opportunity for me for diversifying my portfolio during these times.

i have worked on my garden and planted all my darling bulbs. my babies are increasingly clingy to me to the point if i am leave the room they follow me around. i, on the other hand, became quite comfortable ordering things online and wearing masks when going out. the one thing which i have to take care of and i haven’t found a good solution yet is taking my cars for inspection as that would involve me staying there during the inspection which could last hours. i used to drop the car off and get a ride back home but with our current situation i am not planning to get into someone else’s car.

i’ve been watching “the adulterer”, a dutch show (walter presents) and this lady who returns home from prison says, “it’s the smell that i missed” which got me thinking.  it is true isn’t it ? how do i say “the smell of the people you love is something you know innately & is deeply comforting & while i’ll never know my own smell (and i am quite positive, i smell like cats) i hope that it’s nice & learning someone’s smell means that you just … know it for like, ever, even if you can’t clearly articulate what it is actually like” without sounding like a huge creep, like jean-baptiste grenouille (peter suskind’s book the perfume)

but i think when you love somebody you learn to recognize their smell, and this smell makes you happy. because you relate to them. it reminds me how i’d give my cats my clothes when they are to spend a night or two at the vet hospital so that they can hold onto because they learned to love that smell. i think there’s nothing creepy about the visceral sense of known and safe and loved that comes from the smell of home.

like i loved my parents and the time we would spend together in our home in india. with the iron gate which made the teensy squeak when opened or the slight catch of my front door that much more appealing, the comfort of familiarity wafting out to greet me, and i realized i recognized it.

yes, but at the same time, it can be tragic too. when they finally decide to leave you behind, their smell lingers behind them along with your memories of them, only making you miss them more. you smell someone similar and turn around hoping its them, but its not. the place you know that they used to be, their smell slowly dissipates from there and when it’s finally gone, you know they are too. a scent can be like a ghost.

i am a work in progress and i am ok with it. my sciatic nerve started calming down and the pain is bearable. i will soon start some heavy duty workout challenges to control the ever expanding tummy.

evenings now a days are blissful and my twin boys and i go out to enjoy the evening fresh air and watch the world go by. the more i let nature in, the more i indulge it, give it time, sit amongst the nature, be the silent observer, the more i connect with it, almost at a spiritual level. like i could sit here on the grass floor of my backyard and it would grow over me, the brambles intertwining between my legs, the birds nestling in my hair. it all just feels incredibly peaceful, to be one with everything, feel everything, not to think, not to worry or question, just to nurture the life around me.

i strive so much for happiness, tranquility, for paradise in my life, but what if i were already there ? what if i have already walked far beyond the pearly gates and have just forgotten what came before. and would that change everything ? if god stood in front of me and said ‘hey there, you’re here, you made it, have fun !’ would i do things a little differently ? so as i lie on the grass in the cool part of the evening here, with nothing more than my cats, the sun and the birds and the greenfly walking over my skin, i ask myself, is hell just a place that i create because i feel like i don’t belong ?

i feel like a preacher and this feels like a sermon. i feel guided by higher presence, and right now, in this moment, i feel a little peace.

et bonne année 2020

wow it has been a few weeks since i last posted ? well happy new year, and here’s a dollop of me and what i’m up to now a days. were i a seashell and were you to come along, pick me up, and put me to your ear, this is what you’d hear today.

i feel winter warm and blanket soft and it snowed today… we had some splendid, respectable snow and while listening to bach i’m puttering around the house thinking february is around the corner rushing in smelling of snow and wood smoke. where did january go ? oh by the way, by the time i put some warm clothes on and strolled downstairs to shovel, scott, my neighbor already took care of it which is really such a nice thing to do and so i went and threw salt (pet-safe) on our walkways as that’s the least thing i could do. i probably will get him a thank you cake tomorrow.  it was really nice day to lounge about in underwear and drink cocoa.

my christmas vacation was fantastic on account that it was respectably cold for december with no snow and a few clear nights so i went (with the boy) star gazing and dwelling on the nature of planets and stars and searched the skies for ufos / aliens. new year came in swiftly and casually and with right notes, and with american boy smelling like orange blossoms but it quickly hit sour notes (what the fuck life ?) with patriots out of american football play-offs.

i’m mostly happy and anxious free but my anxiety hits high notes when my kids get sick. it makes me sick to my stomach when i think they are suffering. as they are growing old their wittle bodies are slowing down.

all i do now a days is eat healthy, not go to gym (shame on me) and read books (after waiting months i finally got to borrow eleanor oliphant is completely fine) or watch news / bbc sit-coms. can’t ask more from my life, as my asthma is under control, thanks to my decision to blow money on parking and drive to work every day and so no prednisone and no albuterol and so your truly is feeling fantastic and super horny. can you believe that i, who yelled at the boy for pouncing on me every time he sees me (and ripping off a number of new panties), have the unmitigated gall to l say a sad “please sir can i have some more ?” which gave him a temporary upper hand which lasted only till i orgasmed for the nth time of the night… you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become a pathetic loser.

work life is fine as i have decided as long as i get paid the right kind of salary i don’t need to grow because i started investing and so god willing, i will retire in a few years (five plus or minus). so recently we acquired a new colleague mike, and i have to mention him. i think i already mentioned him once before. he is such a sweet heart and kind and i have awful suspicion that he may have a huge crush on me or he may just be being friendly but my women’s intuition is telling me that he “like” likes me. and honestly i love that attention but i refrain to flirt back as he is not yet thirty and i don’t date anyone under thirty. but i am keeping him as a back up plan as this boy would make an excellent husband and did i mention that he is kind ? and i figured i don’t have to train him much to make me a good husband. but alas, he is young and he probably should have a whole family like children and cats. in the mean time while i am amused, i am also curious to know what he really is thinking and i will keep you posted if i find out.

you know, i’ve really gotten to a point in my life where i have a healthy fear of bach and that’s what we call growth. i recently heard this concerto playing on radio (thank you gregg whiteside of wrti) and oh ma lord, i had to pull over and listen to it while crying. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rkucnttars.

so this is one of the coolest things i’ve heard in a long time… bach’s mysterious and almost jazzy concertos and may i also add, orgasmic music.

the fact is at this time of my life i’m finally willing to admit that without bach life would be a mistake. i can’t believe bach wrote an entire cantata  (20+ minutes) about coffee because honestly, same.  and the other funny things he did : picked a fight with a bassoonist calling him a “nanny-goat bassoonist”; threw his wig at a musician who played a wrong note; the second movement of brandenburg concerto no. 3, which is just two half-note chords.

and the coffee cantanta is such a funny story – when i first heard this cantanta, i went and looked up the libretto for the story. bach did this c. 1735. through trade and changing economic situations, coffee became popular in europe during the 18th century, and coffee houses opened up where people would sit and relax with a cup of coffee while listening to some kind of entertainment. thanks to this newfound caffeine rush, i’d argue, the enlightenment philosophic movement took off [for better or worse]. however, not everyone was in on the coffee craze. it seems that in germany, for example, some people may have been worried that coffee drinking was a bad habit. and j.s. bach, notable for writing deeply profound religious cantatas, decided to write a short comedy, and most likely this was meant to be played at a coffee house. the “coffee cantata” opens up with a narrator telling the audience to quiet down and get ready for the story, already establishing the lighthearted mood. it starts off with a man named schlendrian [literally “stick-in-the-mud”] who is annoyed that his daughter, lieschen, is addicted to coffee and refuses to stop drinking it no matter how much he insists she should. lieschen even sings a love aria…to coffee itself. schledrian threatens to get rid of his daughter’s things, like clothes and food, unless she stops drinking coffee. she ignores him. pondering on what he could do to convince her, schledrian decides that he will forbid her to marry unless she drops her coffee habit. she gives in. but when schledrian finds suitors for her to judge, she secretly tells them that she will only marry if her future husband lets her have all the coffee she wants. it ends with a “moral”: drinking coffee is natural. and, that’s it. it’s charming and silly, and it’s a good example to fight off the people who think bach is too cold and stoic and serious. and it is as relatable now as it was back in the baroque era. today, the world runs on coffee, and caffeine addictions are pretty common, and probably the least harmful addiction out there. the love aria to coffee is so relatable, “ah ! how sweet coffee tastes ! lovelier than a thousand kisses, smoother than muscatel wine. coffee, i must have coffee, and if anyone wants to give me a treat, ah !, just give me some coffee !” and my favorite line comes from lieschen who laments “if i couldn’t, three times a day, be allowed to drink my little cup of coffee, in my anguish i will turn into a shriveled-up roast goat”, because honestly y’all, same.

i love how some composers were able to take an instrument to a whole other level through their works, making it sound like it never had before, in a completely new light. like i always adored mozart and bethoven and to an extent chopin. chopin’s nocturnes and bach’s art of the fugue are the two examples that come to my mind when i think about how these composers had such a brilliant understanding of the instruments they wrote these pieces for that they literally composed in a way that exploited the potential of the piano & the organ to an extent nobody ever has.

so my darlings, here’s to brand new experiences and new memories. i’m hoping to enjoy life deeply, explore my surroundings and hopefully have another ufo experience like the one i had a few years ago. also friendly reminder that saying yes to new experiences and opportunities even if you’re a little afraid of them is super brave and great !!! but also remember that you have a right to say no and that you do not owe anybody (even yourself) an explanation. we can’t take care of other things if we are not taking care of ourselves first. ciao mes petites !

peanut – day 2

i slept uneasily last night as i was worried for this little one and so when i finally got out of my bed this morning i made a beeline to my peanut. she had a nice bowel movement and so i changed her bedding and fed her with some banana, cat food and gave her some milk. (she does open eyes but here in the photos she is in food coma)

i’m pleased with myself because she is ok – when i was at work i thought of her, wondering how i can give multiple feedings during the days i go to work. should i bring her to work in a box and keep her in my desk and feed her every couple of hours ? bring her into the nursing station and change her bedding ? lol oh the possibilities !

when i got home and again i made a beeline to her and lo and behold, when i opened the closet door, i can hear her chirping and squeaking…. i got her out and changed her bedding and gave a sumptuous food made of cat food, banana and she did eat very heartily ! she opened her little beak to ask for more and we both are learning to do this. i got some eggs while coming home, and now i am hard boiling them so i can feed her some yolk.

now that it’s weekend, i should be able to care for her with more feedings. i also need to find a safe place both from my cats and the cool air as even though they are warm blooded, she still have no feathers and the temp in my house is below 65 to ward off humidity. i need her to have a bit of sunlight and not cooped up in a dark closet.

au revoir

peatnut’s mumther

2019/06/21

it’s 8:29 pm & i miss you

rainy, sunday, a list: sleeping in, cleaning the flat and doing laundry, reading the wuthering heights and drinking all the coffee, basking in the sunny warmth of my kitties, having long phone chat with eyetalian boy, watching sports & b movies and feeling good in a while. life is good.

it’s raining and i’m thinking of you – your death anniversary is a few days away, and i want to fast forward to next month. i am consumed by the pain of this loss of you and i can’t breathe.

so i miss you a lot and i could fall asleep right now, it’s so peaceful and i’m thinking about you and i am talking to you.

trust and truth, my lover you saw through all of my flaws— you used to say to me “you exist differently” you’re the kind of weather that gardens love

i’ve been learning about myself as of late and i’ve realized a few things… i’m forgetting you and it doesn’t feel good. but i guess a part of my fears of losing you again ie. is something that i’m trying to let go of because baby, our love didn’t last forever and that’s okay. i want to let go of all the anxiety, the sadness, the grief, the pain. i want to accept this wholeheartedly. you will always have my heart

i can hear the thunderstorms closing in, and do you think that the universe tries its hardest every single day to bring us together ? i can only hope that there’s divine intervention happening somewhere, but humans being humans can also be something familiar enough for us to stay. i miss cuddling and curling up against you and miss your kisses.

it’s 9:37 pm and my mind is running wild, hey, do you remember when we walked downtown late at night and got lost in the city ? i can still hear your laughter, i can still see my smile.

i think i have a terrible time keeping secrets away from myself and because i’m so excited to talk to you, and to tell you that i’ve been thinking about you

my heart raised high, my soul open wide, my love attached to your heartstrings, they say that unknown locations are the best vacations— i miss getting lost with you all the time and i fall in love with you more than enough times

you’ll always be my favorite way to experience love, light-hearted and tender, rough on the edges when necessary, but all things great fire-started by your smile and i still love you.

i do. i do still love you. we’re alright, sweetheart.

and when the rain stops, and you’ll vanish while i’m asleep, i just wanted you to read this and know that it’s authentic and genuine.

thank you for being my best friend, even if we’re no longer a couple these days, even if we do prove that even death can’t separate us.

it’s going to be a grand adventure regardless me struggling and you dead.

i just wanted you to know that i’ll never forget you. whenever it rains, i’ll remember you, us – you won’t be too far away. you will be wherever the flowers grow. and you’ll be right where the sun kissed the sky, and i’ll be waiting there for you as well.

5/5/2019

disappear…… !!

it’s a beautiful misty grey sunday….. foggy grey view from my bedroom window;  even when blanketed by grey fogg, my sleepy little neighborhood looks beautiful – completely enveloped in a misty fog, spellbinding and mysterious and just makes me shiver. i usually get caught every morning and every evening, but alas, no time to stop and take photos as i’m rushing to work or coming back…..

it was a heavenly bliss y’all  ! took photos while sipping coffee, with no pants on (hence couldn’t run out) and with my faithful sidekick, minnu….

looks quite dreamy before the sun came up and the blues of the twilight – mr. sun couldn’t completely drive away the fog…. oh those are my two cars (not the white lexus)

1/20/2019

so far this january….

it’s been a handful of days since i moved into my new place. i haven’t unpacked yet. i probably won’t. my kids and i are still getting used to the new place. the first few days at the new place i tried recover from all the driving i did and the side effects of prednisone; when i was still taking prednisone, i literally felt the fat depositing on my tummy and my face and i was worried for a second but my newly acquired ability to breathe fully into my lungs won out; and oh my god, i was so hungry all the time… but once i finished the course, my fat deposits started to come off and my hunger diminished but then again, new set of problems crept in because prednisone acts by lowering the immune system responses; so my body hurts (and hurting), i feel a bit fatigued… but i am sure these will go away soonish…

i kept all the lights on in the house as it’s a new place and i don’t want my kids to slip and break their legs; also i haven’t quite figured out how to keep enough light so it’s not completely dark on account, i am not comfortable in total darkness.

my kids are happy and my plants are happy – already some of their leaves are budding. i have many lavender plants in makeshift pots – i have to find them suitable places and so far i spent my weekends sleeping or trying to familiarize myself with the shopping centre in my area.

i love the current neighborhood.  my original thought of buying a house somewhere near my old house is no longer firm and i may want to check out this area and if i find a house i fall in love with, i probably will stay here. all the shopping i need and usually care for is within few mins of my house and they are all near to each other and i am super happy like a kitty with a bowl full of cream. for example, the petsmart (where i buy kitty supplies) is right next to a super market where i buy things like paper towels and my starbucks french roast coffee !! i buy the beans and grind them for my morning coffee ritual !

when i get up in the morning, i make a bee line to the kitchen to start my coffee and while it’s brewing, i feed my kids while inhaling the sweet aroma of the same and i then pour my first cup of coffee. my french roast is the decadent pleasure of epic proportions that fits into a cup which i keep nestled between my hands, and i dream while i’m still awake and of visions that have me plotting a second cup of french roast goodness because another cup of this delectable delight is most definitely needed.

during the weekend (esp during winter time), i sit transfixed in front of a fire that entertains me with warm dancing flames, while my mind wanders and plots the biggest cup of coffee ever, and nostalgia of such past days wrap me up in in the warmest kind of embrace until i swear that i’m drinking a cup of pure magic. sigh. and it’s this delicious thought that makes me smile all the way.

but i digress  – in summary, i am surprised that i am happy with this little area where there is so much open space, open skies and i am pretty sure it will be filled with greenery come spring. can’t fucking wait ! and oh the other day when i was going to work, i saw a deer crossing the road and it made me smile.

my morning commute has been bit difficult but i am coming to terms with it…. the very first day i was to return to work this year, i was late as i couldn’t find parking for my car and when i finally parked, the train came into the station and i had to turn and get in my car and drove to work while informing my boss that i missed the train. there’s construction, apparently, since two years, and so there is this circuitous route one needs to take to get to the platform to get on the train and while i secretly am happy because i am burning some much needed calories with these everyday hikes to the platform, but while i’m actually hiking, i curse left and right.

there are many many people who travel into the city with me and i am not pleased as i would like to have the entire train to myself. but as i don’t own the train, i settled to just observe the people and i right away found out one glaringly obvious thing. everyone dresses up in the same way like stepford wives – professionally that is, with black slacks, and dressy tops and black or brown shoes and here i am, almost hobo chic… also my boss is trying to make me a well dressed girl but i am a tomboy and dresses and i don’t go well; my mother tried it before – having said that i probably would become one of the stepford people as i don’t like to stand out.

i am enjoying my train rides as within a few minutes into the travel, the sun comes up and i smile brightly – i read on my ride and i have finished the book “a thousand splendid suns” and i was angry when this brute of a husband was beating up on his wife and i couldn’t wait get back to my book when the protagonist found out that the love of her life wasn’t actually dead ! i was impatient all that day at work and when i was on the platform to catch my train i eagerly and greedily got back to my book. that book was a hard read for me as i am a card carrying feminist and any form of domestic abuse is not okay with me and i just can’t understand how women (and some men) put up with such stuff. i started rereading the book “perfume – the story of a murderer” by patrick suskind as i recently watched a series with the same name which mentions this book.

the other day my train was late and i was sitting on a bench surrounded by a sea of people and there was this elderly gentleman sitting next to me and started chatting with me: gave me tips on how to polish vinyl and plastic and how not to get dust on your leather shoes; and at this point, my train was running late and so the announcer came on the overhead speakers and was telling the same and then another train came in which goes to trenton and the announcer was painfully telling everyone that this particular train is express to trenton and not to thorndale (my train); the elderly gentleman told me, that there will be people who would get on the trenton express and then they would have to trek all the way back to city to get on the train to thorndale because in spite of the announcer repeating the message many times, people would be stupid enough to get on the wrong train; we both giggled loudly and all the other people standing around looked at us suspiciously.

this weekend is very important as my boys patriots are playing and i am not overly concerned as i know they will win.

a colleague and i went out to eat a bit and chat and during the conversation i told her that i like someone but as he has a girlfriend i am waiting for such a time he is single. she immediately asked if he is some one from work and though i almost got caught, i masked my answer with something else.

i try to stop time, whenever i am busy dreaming about you. the times when our eyes lock, and the times when i talk to you – trivialities – but precious. looped memories i play over and over again.  i lose myself within a world full of so little words and lots of feelings; waiting, may be for a moment when you take a chance on us and decide to see what may exist between your heart and mine. may be waiting for you to take that leap of faith and see what you might find and hopefully like; i’m sitting next to you in my mind, and discussing things – that life is all about living and taking chances when they appear; and discussing things like love which are often too fragile at the beginning and wondering if our love would continue to grow; and i continue to store all memories in a bottomless box; and may be hoping to revisit them in my (our) old age and relive !

but here we are – each of us lost in thoughts as we silently weigh the odds of us

to the ‘autumn-boy’

he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)

anubis

*02/23/2002 – 07/18/2018*

i have been in need to lean on a soft heart for a while now. it’s a lonely city to be sad in. trees, at least, let you be quiet and alone without anyone’s eyes on you. but there’s no mossy place for me to land on here. there’s no scent of wood chips and the soft, soft morning light in my bedroom window. i’m trying to articulate myself because i’m alone and can’t be alone right now and don’t know who to reach out to hold me, because i can’t hold myself.

everyone says that a mother loves all her kids the same way. it is not true. last wednesday i took my kitty boy, anubis, for a procedure and his little heart stopped during that procedure and it broke my heart. it was the worst feeling i ever have gone through. again. i felt that way when julien died but since then i lost my child, my husband, my dad and my mum and i never ever felt this deep sadness. i felt my heart being ripped off and i honestly think i wouldn’t be able to cope with the anxiety and the anguish. this sadness is a deep well. when i brought him home later, i went and sat at a church and had a full on conversation with god  and later i stuttered out apologies and all the ‘i love you’s while holding his lifeless body and didn’t know who i should be dedicating my words to. i was fortunate enough to have been loved by him so much as well. all my kitty babies love me, but he loved me just a pinch more. he and i had such a bond. god, i ache, i ache, i ache.

i don’t know what to do with the texts and phone calls saying ‘i’m sorry for your loss,’ and even more so i’m not okay with the fact that my vets felt awful or that they were sorry. anubis may not be a human child or i may not have given birth to him but he was blood to me. without him i wouldn’t think this world would be such a beautiful place. i am not sleeping well these days and i miss him. a lot. i wish i could hold him again and keep saying ‘i love you’ ‘i love you ‘i love you’. i don’t want to cry but my hands keep shaking. fuck the sympathy cards. fuck all of them who can’t understand what he meant to me. he was important to me and he was my baby and i lost him. i am trying so hard to stay okay. i don’t want to cry.