week 10 – shelter in place

summer is here and with it comes delicious fruit and exciting reads straight from my book collections. my cats and i love afternoons in the sunshade, full of cool cherries and a nice glass of cold lemonades for me.

it’s been full three weeks since i blogged, if i were not mistaken as i became a bit bored and super busy. the highlights included one of my friends emailing me out of the blue. apparently his son asked him who is your oldest friend and he remembered me ! mallick was my neighbor and a very dear childhood friend. he motivated me to excel in studies and come to the us. during our summer holidays, while all the kids were playing outside, he and i would be preparing to the next year as he was one year senior to me and he would give me his notes, text books, and so by the time school reopened for the next year, i am done with homeworks in all subjects and i know everything which needs to know. good goddamn times !

i have kind of slacked off blogging as i was otherwise occupied. i’m friends with my colleagues in it (info tech)  and we were chatting about what shows to watch and one guy convinced me i should watch a couple of shows on hbo, so i subscribed to that channel as well. i think once my cable service contract is up, i am going to downgrade to internet only. anyway, hbo came with full series of game of thrones and i never got into that show as i wanted to first read the books. but as the shows are there, i started reading the books and started watching the shows. i thought the first four seasons are great as they closely followed the books and the later seasons were quite stupid. i also realized why the show was popular as there is so much of fucking and tits and cunts galore. the boy and i thought we would rather have the books made into video games as it could be like a strategy game with lots of killing.

the other important thing which happened and kept me busy was, i have taken up working on a research project for nasa as my friend recruited me. so now i’m working on two projects apart from my regular work. here i must pause and thank god, that i get paid a lot, i mean a lot, at my current full time position for doing nothing. and i don’t feel badly about this as i used to beg for more projects at work. so here i’m getting paid a lot, for doing almost a couple of hours of work per week. and this is perfect opportunity for me for diversifying my portfolio during these times.

i have worked on my garden and planted all my darling bulbs. my babies are increasingly clingy to me to the point if i am leave the room they follow me around. i, on the other hand, became quite comfortable ordering things online and wearing masks when going out. the one thing which i have to take care of and i haven’t found a good solution yet is taking my cars for inspection as that would involve me staying there during the inspection which could last hours. i used to drop the car off and get a ride back home but with our current situation i am not planning to get into someone else’s car.

i’ve been watching “the adulterer”, a dutch show (walter presents) and this lady who returns home from prison says, “it’s the smell that i missed” which got me thinking.  it is true isn’t it ? how do i say “the smell of the people you love is something you know innately & is deeply comforting & while i’ll never know my own smell (and i am quite positive, i smell like cats) i hope that it’s nice & learning someone’s smell means that you just … know it for like, ever, even if you can’t clearly articulate what it is actually like” without sounding like a huge creep, like jean-baptiste grenouille (peter suskind’s book the perfume)

but i think when you love somebody you learn to recognize their smell, and this smell makes you happy. because you relate to them. it reminds me how i’d give my cats my clothes when they are to spend a night or two at the vet hospital so that they can hold onto because they learned to love that smell. i think there’s nothing creepy about the visceral sense of known and safe and loved that comes from the smell of home.

like i loved my parents and the time we would spend together in our home in india. with the iron gate which made the teensy squeak when opened or the slight catch of my front door that much more appealing, the comfort of familiarity wafting out to greet me, and i realized i recognized it.

yes, but at the same time, it can be tragic too. when they finally decide to leave you behind, their smell lingers behind them along with your memories of them, only making you miss them more. you smell someone similar and turn around hoping its them, but its not. the place you know that they used to be, their smell slowly dissipates from there and when it’s finally gone, you know they are too. a scent can be like a ghost.

i am a work in progress and i am ok with it. my sciatic nerve started calming down and the pain is bearable. i will soon start some heavy duty workout challenges to control the ever expanding tummy.

evenings now a days are blissful and my twin boys and i go out to enjoy the evening fresh air and watch the world go by. the more i let nature in, the more i indulge it, give it time, sit amongst the nature, be the silent observer, the more i connect with it, almost at a spiritual level. like i could sit here on the grass floor of my backyard and it would grow over me, the brambles intertwining between my legs, the birds nestling in my hair. it all just feels incredibly peaceful, to be one with everything, feel everything, not to think, not to worry or question, just to nurture the life around me.

i strive so much for happiness, tranquility, for paradise in my life, but what if i were already there ? what if i have already walked far beyond the pearly gates and have just forgotten what came before. and would that change everything ? if god stood in front of me and said ‘hey there, you’re here, you made it, have fun !’ would i do things a little differently ? so as i lie on the grass in the cool part of the evening here, with nothing more than my cats, the sun and the birds and the greenfly walking over my skin, i ask myself, is hell just a place that i create because i feel like i don’t belong ?

i feel like a preacher and this feels like a sermon. i feel guided by higher presence, and right now, in this moment, i feel a little peace.

‘silly old bear’

silly old bear

i watched christopher robin (ewen mcgregor) this afternoon and my word, it was so heartfelt and sweet, i was crying thirty seconds in and the moment i heard that familiar voice say “christopher robin ?” i swear something in my soul broke… and now i’m sitting here all misty eyed and missing my cats who passed away and my teddy bears i stored in a storage facility ☹. i can’t properly express the visceral emotion and how hard the ‘christopher robin’  has hit me, somewhere deep in my soul there’s something magical and beautiful in how they presented it, how pooh looks old and worn but so obviously loved, how christopher robin immediately knew it was his childhood best friend, how pooh greeted him, like he was still the young boy who brought him to life all those years ago, like nothing has changed, not really. (but as winnie says, ‘just a few wrinkles. maybe’)

and then there’s the idea, that the toys, and stuffed best friends that you played with and loved as a child will always know and recognize you, no matter how old you get, just like how you’d always know and recognize that one specific old friend, from just the smell or how they sit in your arms.

and they will always be there for you, if you remembered to go back to them. or maybe they’ll come find you when you need them most. they were with you through thick and thin, they know you, the real you, and you don’t have to hide yourself from them. you’ve never had to.

and ok i knew at some point ewan mcgregor is going to say “silly old bear” and i honestly didn’t know how my heart was able to handle it.

but… and this is in spite of knowing that christopher robin was never able to escape being the little boy the books showed him as, with everyone wanting him to still be that… i’m looking forward to this.

partially, i think, because it is christopher robin as an older man who has changed, and winnie the pooh as the kind, wise bear of very little brain that hasn’t.

it’s not pretending that christopher robin stayed the same, or that he had to keep that childhood innocence within him always, the way we sometimes assume that our children’s’ book heroes do, or should. it shows him hurting to leave his family and be apart from them in order to live up to what his job asks of him. it seems to me, if it weren’t for his job being so harsh, he would not be unhappy to be an adult.

i think that if anything, this does the memory of the actual events a lot of good, because it lets us know that christopher robin and winnie the pooh aren’t just for childhood, they’re for forever. they can grow up and grow old with you, and that is not a bad thing. in fact, sometimes it’s outside influences that are the bad thing, not anything you have let happen to your life.

again, i’m reminded of something c.s. lewis said – when i grew up, i put away childish things, including the fear of being childish

i’ll next read winnie the pooh again, because you are never old enough to read certain books (once i finish with the book i’m currently reading “the time traveler’s wife”).

03/10/2019

 

 

classical gas

11/06/2017

my brain was humming this song before i was even up this morning and of course, i couldn’t wait to hear it and as soon as i got a bit of time at work, i played glen campbell’s version and i was so moved and i had tears streaming thru my eyes and i had goosebumps… the music drenched me as tho the notes were raindrops and it was so hard to not move my body (as i’m a dancer) to the rhythm of this song and dance around in the office…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4ga67edrki

i had times when there’s that feeling of loneliness. the tangible loneliness and in a big city.  but the city doesn’t know your name. doesn’t know you. sitting at work, walking down the street, accidentally having conversations with strangers, wanting to cry at the old men begging for money, homeless people sheltering in the trolley stops, wanting to hug the little children who look so malnourished & ignored. but more than that, there is this want. wanting, so badly, to hold someone and let them have enough faith in you that they would just sink in you without even thinking about coming up for air.

as i am listening to this song again, i am thinking about longing… the physical longing of someone to talk to, to get a cup of coffee with and sit and talk about how beautiful love is and how beautiful it is to be living in this time….

hope is beautiful. someone to give me hope is wonderful. terry is beautiful and wonderful. but he is not mine. i keep reminding myself that.

and then suddenly to have it all turn over quietly. being with someone. to watch a play and hear music and watch dancers and to fall in love with a voice, with a song, to realize once more why you are here in the first place; to fall back in love with the faith that you once had, the beautiful and intangible feeling of belonging to someone, the companionship of everyone having had felt this way before me, and knowing that so many will feel the same way after i am long gone, the warmth that i felt. all due so much to terry, who brought me out of my slumber when i needed it more than anything.

i forget sometimes, how good it feels to feel.

walking home in crispy night imagining someone with me, in step with me, i couldn’t stop smiling. i thought of a poem that julien read me so many years ago, how i laughed at the first line, how he told me to stop because it was serious, and i laughed again, this time quietly to myself. and the moment when we went to the market, talking about haricot verts and beets, and kissed in the snack aisle…  i thought of how the simplest moments can become the most beautiful. i smiled, and i smiled, at the couples walking past, the quiet girl in a thick jacket walking alone, she too smiling to herself. we looked up and we both just laughed.

there is a reason why i always hated these months the most. they took julien from me. but now, i have terry and i love him for giving me faith. faith in the city. jace once said because i am so loving, love always finds me and protects me. i love my cats and terry (?) and i love my friends, though very small in number, they were always very faithful and loving to me, even protective. i miss some of my friends. but i miss me when i was with julien the most.

ps: i saw terry today and i even spoke with him… needless to say i’m on cloud infinity… he is gorgeous (for an american) and i should be shot for feeling this way.

pps: i know my secret blog is no longer a secret. i mean, i have an iq of 180+ 🙂 i don’t mind if you read it… 🙂

credit:

Mason Williams – Classical Gas (1968)
Mason Williams
from: “The Mason Williams Phonograph Record”  
Produced by Mike Post

“Classical Gas” is an instrumental musical piece composed and performed by Mason Williams with instrumental backing by members of The Wrecking Crew.”-Wikipedia