action de grâce 2020

so autumn came speaking in the language of colors and i have been away for a while lost in the wonderful world of plants. and with the winter comes loss to make the way for new beginnings. the necessary seemingly never endless grey haze before you fall asleep. where dream and wake is knitted together with fine wool. to keep you warm. to keep you unsure.

days have been consumed with lots of good things, great things and sad things. but here i am, to report on my wee life.

it’s almost end of november, thanksgiving is around the corner and the smell of burning wood in fire places is in the air. mornings are wonderfully fog filled and what can i say, i’m content and blissful.

i’ve lost another kitty sadly and at the same time i ‘m happy to say he had a long and carefree life and he didn’t give any indication that anything was wrong at all. alas, this is the truth about animals as they mask their sickness.  i named this kitty after my human child. we carry little burdens in our hearts. a small funeral procession is carried out with every loss. a funeral that ignites on its own. a sadness that rises like the embers of winter firewood. a past self, the size of our fist. a heart swollen up inside our rib cage. a word so heavy it has no name. something so full that it feels empty. a hollow carcass that beats with our name. and a taste so fickle it fades before the feelings are swallowed. a smell so sublime, it vanishes before sleep arrives. a death so vivid, it blurs all the innocence left behind. a price so huge it takes all goodness to recover. and sooner or later these little flying flickers of daily routine, turn into huge weights over our shoulders. we look down and walk more humbly. we smile quietly and pick words with care. we say goodbyes with a delicate caress and hello with warm embrace. we live life all the time wondering what if ? and price of life that doesn’t exist.

couple of weeks prior to his passing, i took another kitty to the vet on an emergency visit. here i have to say that i really like my new vets even though they are super busy for my liking and it’s hard to get a regular appointment. i observed that snuggles was breathing funny and so off i took him to the vet. what i didn’t realize was that emergency appointment means the vet would take a look at him between the regularly scheduled appointments and so the kid was sitting by himself in an examination room while i was sitting outside in the car and i think he totally freaked out. and i finally got him home around 4:30 pm on a saturday and i returned to him to give him some food when i saw him flopping on the floor turning blue and trying to catch his breath. i called the vet and after realizing i was unable to help him and i am not going to bring him to a vet in that condition, i said a little prayer and waited on him to die. as he was trying to throw up, i opened his mouth and removed the sticky mucous from his mouth and throat and i think it helped him a bit as he was no longer blue but still lying on the floor. i kept stroking him a bit and read to him psalm 121.  after a few hours he seemed to recover but only the second episode started around 10 pm and i was pretty sure he would die. i mean, to see this kitty in so much pain and my inability to help, is too much for me. at one point i actually wanted to break his neck so as to give him a quick death but i didn’t have balls. so i secluded the kid in another room, in all honesty thinking that he will die, said another prayer, chanted psalm 121 and left him in the room. an hour later i went back to see if he died, and to my surprise the kid was sitting up and i bawled. i quickly gave him his medications and shoved some food into him as i thought if he died at least i did my best. i was up all night and went back every couple of hours to see how he was faring and also to feed him couple of mouthfuls of food. i left him some water, some food and also a litter box. and on sunday at around 8 am i went to give him his pills and also some food but when i opened the door, the kid dashed out of the room made a bee line to the litter box they usually use and had a good pee. he was a bit unsteady on his feet but he surprised me a lot. by sunday evening, he was behaving as if nothing happened while i was dozing in and out of sleep with an eye on him. my kids surprise me to bits. now a days i am bit worried that they are super comfortable with me being home a lot and so i think they may get separation anxiety when i go back to office.

speaking of office, i am thinking of asking my boss that i want to make my job work from home and i kinda hinted at it. i seriously have almost couple of hours of commute each way and as i have no intention of taking public transportation due to covid in any foreseeable future. i probably have to look for another job in case my job doesn’t become work from home deal.

as i reported previously, i have started gathering plants in an effort to duplicate my mother’s garden…  i have a few more plants to go to complete the list. i have other plants like orchids, as well and i am steadily collecting them. but most recently i started collecting rare (and thus expensive) plants and when i say plants, they are cuttings and seedlings. all these cutting and seedlings are costing me a lot of dollars to be honest and i have been eagerly waiting for tax refund so i can splurge on a rare plant cutting which is costing me an arm and half a leg ! i think i will also buy some more orchids to add to my orchid collection.  i have watering schedules for all my plants as i get exhausted watering them all in a day, and i have different day schedules for them.

so i can safely say my portfolio now involves some equity in goddamn expensive plants. and also as these plants are toxic to animals i have make shift terrariums and mini glass greenhouses.  i have joined rare plant groups and learning a lot on these projects. people are so knowledgeable and kind. the most expensive cutting which i purchased so far was $2500 and yes there are plants much more expensive than these…

i have been incredibly happy with my projects and how i’m diversifying my mental portfolio.

read a lot less books than i wanted to as now a days i have less time and also as i started to watch a lot more television episodes so i can polish my french and spanish languages. the important french phrase i learned was “je m’en bats les couilles” which literally means ‘i beat my nuts about it’ which is obviously a bit vulgar and so “i don’t give a flying fuck or no fucks given” would serve the same purpose.

we are heading into another lockdown / quarantine. i started to think of good days and social interactions as to food- for example the other day i said that the last good day before lockdown has last me for three weeks (mentally and emotionally) and the social reunion with my friends on thursday will last me another three i think. you know what i mean ? it’s like okay i had something very good that i can think of for the next few weeks and be happy. taking care of yourself is very important and i will go get my flu shot this week as i’m off work. i probably will cook an elaborate meal and stuff myself while watching some favorite shows. (i have been lazy and wasn’t cooking and have been living on nothing but coffee, brioche, cheetos and diet soda)

the choice is always ours. the pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. ~ william arthur ward

happy thanks giving !!


shout out to my nipples which tell me when it’s cold out. today the weather changed and we got sleet and slush and there was three inches of snow. it snowed/sleeted all day long and it was supposed to rain by the time we got out of work. but when i walked out, it was still sleeting and i was slipping and sliding and even when i was on dry ground, i almost slipped and this lil old woman was telling me, “i almost slipped three or four times and i am old so i am slipping” and i said, “i don’t think it makes any difference whether one is old or young when it comes to slipping”. so my troubles with commute were not done as i made way into an ocean of people on the subway platform and someone came on the overhead speakers and said someone fell on the tracks and we all groaned. and then there came another train and we all got into that one, the train car crammed to the gills with people, and we were all in our winter coats and the train was blowing warm air and i wanted to remove my coat, but there was no space to even move. through the speakers, the conductor was telling us “they are trying to clean the tracks” and everyone in the car went “eww” as just before his announcement, i informed my fellow passengers that some bastard jumped on the tracks and i am sorry that someone thought of committing suicide in this way, but i just want to go home to my babies. [recently i had to make a harsh decision to put another kid down because his heart failed him. he is/was my baby orange and such a sweet and a quiet gentlecat. love you sweetheart ! (3/23/2003-11/9/2018)]

after what seemed like ages, the american boy finally returned from his travels and while my raging feelings calmed the fuck down a bit due to my asthma flares and other stuff, it was good to hear him talking very excitedly about absolutely nothing (other than his talks on sports). also a day or two ago, i went to give him his mail and he is like did you read this and i said, no, should i; so he went, well there are some articles, to which i replied, give that back to me when you are done and he just smiled coyly and i got the gist of it – i walked away telling him that his smile speaks volumes (he doesn’t read the journals obviously, as his smile made it apparent) i am a very intellectual & philosophical person, and i’m incapable of talking about small things like weather and so my conversations quickly turn into either a teaching moment for the other person or a very grounded philosophical discussion. so i enjoy these moments listening to someone getting excited about common things and talking about absolutely mundane shit because it’s like cleansing my brain palate or flossing my brain.

recently this bitch at work completely pissed me off and i usually don’t get angry that easily but there i was goddamn furious. there is a snake in our department whom i loathe and detest; she is the very evil, and spreads negativity and has really dark sense of humor and her nasally voice grates on my nerves and i’m sure she got no friends and not sure how she can live like that and while i feel compelled to feel christian sympathy towards her, i am no christ and she fucking makes me vomit just by existing; and it’s not just me but she even rubs my boss the wrong way and a couple of other people. but my boss, puts up with this person and i am like why ? if i were in her shoes, i would fire that person without even bothering to look back. but i am learning from my boss and i decided, i will play this goddamn game as i have an iq of 173 and i’m convinced this voldemort has an iq in single digits as it’s made apparent in her foolishness to cross my path. anyway, i will update you once i squished her into the ground. my friend brian giggles because i keep making snarky comments on this person.

contrast to this experience, there are young girl co-ops in my department which lift up my spirits (mustn’t forget tim here who sends snarky humorous responses to my emails because you gotta have humor in life because if not, it’s not worth living and tim’s sense of humor makes me giggle) and i think unwittingly i became their mum at work. i love these girls as they are smart and full of dreams and i am thankful to god for the opportunity to have a small consolation and a chance to teach and pass on my “motherly” wisdom to these girls.  they are very quiet and passive and i’m teaching them to be vocal and be confident. one of the girls and i are planning to may be go into real estate investing as we both found out through one of our many conversations, that we have much in common in terms of dreams. we probably start working on them sometime next year.

i also started ‘straightening’ the others in my company and some men who think they can override me just because they are men. i mean they are respectful to me but dismiss me quickly for whatever reason. for example, they check with me something and i usually answer if i know or i will get back to them once i do some research and find out and i observed that they would go to tim to verify and once i was right there and i put that person in place in front of tim and told him off very politely. i may be a girl/woman but i don’t bend that easily. i will stare people down and started stripping off their chauvinism gently but firmly.

i have been driven to insanity with people’s limited vocabulary. and to my dismay, i’m also picking up this bad habit. the use of the word “like” in conversations and as a gap filler is the recent said insanity driver; this morning i was riding the elevator up and down, for many reasons and the people around me were using this word to no end and i wanted to scream stop. my impatience may also be something to do wit my asthma flare today. i ran to catch my trolley and i almost passed out. this after taking 4 puffs of my inhaler. either my inhaler is not actuating medication or it’s not effective.

i keep seeing this woman during my commute and she wears the same dress every day.  and no it’s not a uniform. and she wears slippers.  i’m still trying to figure out if i should ask her if she has any warm clothes/shoes as i want to buy some for her, but i think i must wait a bit more to make sure she is not poor as i am thinking she may be. there’s another woman who does the same as well, but again, i must wait.

i have been thinking of getting contacts as i keep seeing this boy on my transit who reads on the train and he wears this nice smile and though he has glasses, i think he has both sorts of vision so it works for him to wear glasses all the time. but i have reading glasses and so i am thinking of getting contacts, so i can read books and smile into my books and also show off my sexy black eyes :p but someone told me there may not be contacts just for reading…. curses !

i love reading and love learning history because sometimes you learn little things that’s not widely known just like how beethoven’s für elise (for elise) was actually made for one of his students named therese and he was in love with her. she was a mediocre piano player so he made a melody so easy that even she could play it and impress people and hence the very iconic tune in the beginning, but then he finds out that she was engaged to a different man and so beethoven basically made the other parts so that she can never play it and if that’s not petty culture then idk what is.

my boys patriots lost last game and warriors (basketball) lost couple of games in a row and tonight warriors are playing against rockets (last year they almost lost to rockets and as i write this, they are getting thumped by rockets – yikes). i was explaining to my friend tom that the reason why i like tom brady (patriots qb) is because he gets angry when he loses without getting angry at his team mates or the rival team, but he gets angry at himself for not being good enough and i identify with him. i still don’t think he is sexy.

oh a boy who asked me out a while ago, texted me recently and said “i am 30 now and i would like to take you out for dinner”. i did tell him to get back to me once he is 30 because he was around 28 when he asked me out. so initially i told him sunday night, thinking that patriots are playing in the afternoon and when i found out that the game was at 4 pm or later than that, i told him i will not be able to go as i have to watch a game and he apparently is also for philadelphia teams and he said negative things about my boys and so i made him wait another week and then when i actually went to have dinner with him, i wore my patriots hoodie… and we went to this spanish / catalan restaurant and while the restaurant was full of people and no room to move, and it was noisy (god, americans are loud) but the food was divine.

november is almost over. the winds have turned icy and the last of the leaves are dropping off of the trees. god is painting the evening skies with november’s grays and blues and burnt ambers and into beautiful arrangement of clouds and pastel colors. i’m in awe and lost in the luxurious deconstruction of nature. who knew, that there is so much beauty in the destruction of nature.

it’s late and we lie in beds miles apart. but my thoughts are still with you and i think about loving you. “love is a verb. love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions.” don’t base your relationship around feelings. feelings come and go like the wind. love is a choice. as you develop the relationship and nurture it through loving them, you will be rewarded with the feelings of love. basically- i want you to know that you have a choice as to whether or not you’re a slave to your emotions. decide to take control and respond accordingly to values, instead of circumstances. one day i wake up and realize i’m completely and utterly happy, blissful even, and i know that this feeling derives from my significant other. feelings are what give color to life and experiences and i should not shut them out completely. i scan through my memories and i think its okay to express my emotions if it shows that i am living and caring; as socrates had advised: know thyself, pursue everything in moderation.

also, happy birthday jace… i love you and i’m getting closer to forgive you.

hello november !


first day of november !  philly is currently experiencing my favorite weather, gloomy and cold but not raining.  the sun may even come out tomorrow… for me, this is the best time to be outdoors because the sun isn’t beating down on me and i get to dress cozy in a sweater, leggings, and ankle boots and go crunch, crunch on the leaves… can’t wait !

november is finally here and i’m really looking forward to all the exciting things which may happen…. for starters, there’s this exhibition starting in two days at philly art museum and of course, i will be there to look at those paintings… i’ve other project starting on (tumblr) and unlike here, (i only got three), i would be bombarded by submissions which i need to read and repost…

also november is for being thankful…i am happy to report i have things to be thankful for and will make a list.

nothing to report on the boy front which is noteworthy except, except….. i survived a whole day without seeing my boy and i have listed out excuses to waltz into his office to talk to him and he also gave me a couple of opportunities to go to him but i stuck to my ground and am going to give him up for the month of november to develop a sort of immunity as i’m painfully aware of my destiny. while my love won’t grow any dimmer, i’ve to prepare for the imminent crash of my dreams  when he gets married… you know what i mean ? and i don’t want to revert to self harming as jack will get furious and also it’s hard to explain to my beauticians who work on my body… i can’t keep saying that they are scratches from my cats (poor kitties).

well i’ve written another poem tonight which i will post shortly..

good night my lovelies…