week 10 – shelter in place

summer is here and with it comes delicious fruit and exciting reads straight from my book collections. my cats and i love afternoons in the sunshade, full of cool cherries and a nice glass of cold lemonades for me.

it’s been full three weeks since i blogged, if i were not mistaken as i became a bit bored and super busy. the highlights included one of my friends emailing me out of the blue. apparently his son asked him who is your oldest friend and he remembered me ! mallick was my neighbor and a very dear childhood friend. he motivated me to excel in studies and come to the us. during our summer holidays, while all the kids were playing outside, he and i would be preparing to the next year as he was one year senior to me and he would give me his notes, text books, and so by the time school reopened for the next year, i am done with homeworks in all subjects and i know everything which needs to know. good goddamn times !

i have kind of slacked off blogging as i was otherwise occupied. i’m friends with my colleagues in it (info tech)  and we were chatting about what shows to watch and one guy convinced me i should watch a couple of shows on hbo, so i subscribed to that channel as well. i think once my cable service contract is up, i am going to downgrade to internet only. anyway, hbo came with full series of game of thrones and i never got into that show as i wanted to first read the books. but as the shows are there, i started reading the books and started watching the shows. i thought the first four seasons are great as they closely followed the books and the later seasons were quite stupid. i also realized why the show was popular as there is so much of fucking and tits and cunts galore. the boy and i thought we would rather have the books made into video games as it could be like a strategy game with lots of killing.

the other important thing which happened and kept me busy was, i have taken up working on a research project for nasa as my friend recruited me. so now i’m working on two projects apart from my regular work. here i must pause and thank god, that i get paid a lot, i mean a lot, at my current full time position for doing nothing. and i don’t feel badly about this as i used to beg for more projects at work. so here i’m getting paid a lot, for doing almost a couple of hours of work per week. and this is perfect opportunity for me for diversifying my portfolio during these times.

i have worked on my garden and planted all my darling bulbs. my babies are increasingly clingy to me to the point if i am leave the room they follow me around. i, on the other hand, became quite comfortable ordering things online and wearing masks when going out. the one thing which i have to take care of and i haven’t found a good solution yet is taking my cars for inspection as that would involve me staying there during the inspection which could last hours. i used to drop the car off and get a ride back home but with our current situation i am not planning to get into someone else’s car.

i’ve been watching “the adulterer”, a dutch show (walter presents) and this lady who returns home from prison says, “it’s the smell that i missed” which got me thinking.  it is true isn’t it ? how do i say “the smell of the people you love is something you know innately & is deeply comforting & while i’ll never know my own smell (and i am quite positive, i smell like cats) i hope that it’s nice & learning someone’s smell means that you just … know it for like, ever, even if you can’t clearly articulate what it is actually like” without sounding like a huge creep, like jean-baptiste grenouille (peter suskind’s book the perfume)

but i think when you love somebody you learn to recognize their smell, and this smell makes you happy. because you relate to them. it reminds me how i’d give my cats my clothes when they are to spend a night or two at the vet hospital so that they can hold onto because they learned to love that smell. i think there’s nothing creepy about the visceral sense of known and safe and loved that comes from the smell of home.

like i loved my parents and the time we would spend together in our home in india. with the iron gate which made the teensy squeak when opened or the slight catch of my front door that much more appealing, the comfort of familiarity wafting out to greet me, and i realized i recognized it.

yes, but at the same time, it can be tragic too. when they finally decide to leave you behind, their smell lingers behind them along with your memories of them, only making you miss them more. you smell someone similar and turn around hoping its them, but its not. the place you know that they used to be, their smell slowly dissipates from there and when it’s finally gone, you know they are too. a scent can be like a ghost.

i am a work in progress and i am ok with it. my sciatic nerve started calming down and the pain is bearable. i will soon start some heavy duty workout challenges to control the ever expanding tummy.

evenings now a days are blissful and my twin boys and i go out to enjoy the evening fresh air and watch the world go by. the more i let nature in, the more i indulge it, give it time, sit amongst the nature, be the silent observer, the more i connect with it, almost at a spiritual level. like i could sit here on the grass floor of my backyard and it would grow over me, the brambles intertwining between my legs, the birds nestling in my hair. it all just feels incredibly peaceful, to be one with everything, feel everything, not to think, not to worry or question, just to nurture the life around me.

i strive so much for happiness, tranquility, for paradise in my life, but what if i were already there ? what if i have already walked far beyond the pearly gates and have just forgotten what came before. and would that change everything ? if god stood in front of me and said ‘hey there, you’re here, you made it, have fun !’ would i do things a little differently ? so as i lie on the grass in the cool part of the evening here, with nothing more than my cats, the sun and the birds and the greenfly walking over my skin, i ask myself, is hell just a place that i create because i feel like i don’t belong ?

i feel like a preacher and this feels like a sermon. i feel guided by higher presence, and right now, in this moment, i feel a little peace.

week 6 – shelter in place

i used to start an email with “hello” or “hi” but now a days it’s “i hope your family and you are well” and clearly i feel a bit hypocritical as obviously i don’t give that many fucks if they are well or not and also obviously i would have heard about it if they aren’t. yours truly is slowly turning into a lazy, slow bean with crusted crankiness and i have feeling that i may also be morphing into a cat.

speaking of cats, you know how parents buy same thing for all their kids as they think that the kids would fight ? i have realized that i’m doing the same but not one each for my kitties but one for them and one for me as my kids emulate me in every thing. like seriously every thing ! if i get myself a bowl of cereal, they want the same, so i am a bit hesitant to give them almond milk, so i get them a bowl of cereal (a few flakes) with half & half; and they want my ipad when i want to read, so then can play, and now i have two ipads (don’t ask)… a pillow for me and a pillow for them as they would like to sleep on the pillow ! well you get the picture.

i’ve been observing my kitties a lot, and the way they eat their meal; so much class ! they take delicate, tiny mouthfuls, eyes half closed in savoring the pleasure of the moment, and pausing to make sure their faces and mouths are clean between the mouthfuls, and cleaning around their mouths with a little toss of their heads, and then once finished, they try to bury the food….. they are kind to each other and grooming each other with such tenderness. obviously, they also have moments, when they try and swipe at each other.

i’m seriously running out of projects to do as it’s still cold to put my plants out and plant the bulbs. i have been cooking and experimenting with various stuff for example, i made tortilla española, the other day and as i have no cheddar cheese i put brie and not a good combination i assure you. the boy ordered some steaks online (omaha steaks) thinking he will get them immediately and his face, lmao, was so funny when he found out that the delivery date is may 1. serves him right for eating the flesh of an animal.

i recently started watching “the expanse” after trying to not watch it for a long time as it’s more political than i would like in sci-fi stories as i would like shows which explore alien worlds and come in contact with aliens instead of trying to not wage wars with your species who colonized in other worlds. but i must say, it is gripping to an extent and didn’t bore me a lot. i especially liked the usage of “donkey balls” as one of the code words for martian black ops. lol also crushing on the outfits of chrisjen avesarala though, gosh, hate her grating voice.

and the boy has been watching i, claudius and despite my best efforts not to educate myself or enrich my life in any way, i find the show hard to ignore, and i’ve even been accidentally enjoying it sometimes, mostly because it has brian blessed featured extremely prominently, acting the way brian blessed always acts, and i mean, one cannot simply look away from brian blessed

we all like to complain about this quarantine but for some people, these times are much more difficult to manage. tonight, we think of them.

there are so many small things to be grateful for – aliveness, safety, people we love -our days are being spent reading, sitting on the threshold of the french doors in the sun, drinking coffee and playing as much music as we can. we sing and dance and go for walks and open our windows and lie in bed listening to the birds.

in the evenings we sometimes call our friends and families to say hello. boy kept some of the notes which i gave him, and he kept the note “see you friday, love you !” tucked in the bathroom mirror.

i’ve taken on new projects hoping they will fill my time enough to not worry. i sorted through all the books. i am reading the things i was putting off. our tiny home is a happy place but growing small; i’m trying to see new corners all the time.

week 4 – shelter in place

pink moon

only to the moon will i tell all my secrets. this week’s highlights in some pictures. there was pink super moon and because of the weather,i took this shot of the moon on 8th i think.

some of the excerpts from my kids photos. my kids finally stopped judging me silently for staying home 24 / 7 instead of going to work and toiling to bring home their roast chicken; my kids though eyed me suspiciously, soon realized the benefits of me being home, like they can get food every two minutes.

i have taught my baby girl skittles to play the ipad mouse game and she taught the other kids…. well there isn’t much to the game but you do have to whack the mouse and i taught her that and she immediately learned as she is immensely smart and i swear to god she actually understands human language more than a few words like the other pets. i am also convinced that despite the language barrier, if i send her to school, she will master the program within few months and graduate with honors. i am immensely proud of that kid.

my boy sonu (the black kitty) is the best son a mum could have. zz, the tiny moron, still does the “i want my mum” routine where he regularly forgets that i’m upstairs and cries his heart out, and as he can’t hear on account he is deaf, i have to go and bring him upstairs (and he sleeps like this with one hand on my body);

IMG_1645

one day instead of getting up and run to the head of the stairs to let him know i’m home, i asked sonu, my lovely son, who is resting beside me, to go get him; i went, “sonu love, could you go bring him upstairs” and off sonu went and brought him upstairs which really surprised me to be honest. i thought this may be random thing but then again a couple of days later, mr. forgot-mum-is-home-so-i’ll-cry resumed crying, and i asked sonu again, and off sonu went to bring the boy upstairs. and this time around sonu wasn’t even in the same room and so i had to actually call him loudly. it made me tear up to be honest as sometimes i feel the emptiness of not having a human child (that is till i meet an actual human child and then i don’t regret not having any kids) as i think, my babies make it up thousand fold !

i continued to watch “walter presents” and for once, i found a tv show (icelandic) “the cliff” really worth watching and didn’t giggle at all like i always do. i also watched “the killing of the sacred deer” which made no fucking sense and i may also have thrown up a little in my mouth.  there is a new mystery featuring david tennant, my favorite doctor (doctor who) but it is in goddamn installments and i must wait every week.and oh, i purchased (from amazon) all the miyazaki (studio ghibli) movies as i never get tired of them and i enjoy watching them over and over. as also i enjoy reading adventures of tin tin (and i own the entire set of books) and asterix (again own the entire set), i sometimes wonder if i got stuck in my childhood and of course it doesn’t surprise me a bit on account of lost and traumatic childhood where it’s not so much of parental stress but mostly of society. that story for a non-quarantine times.

this weekend, we enjoyed my sunny, quiet backyard during this time of distance. reflecting on my own mind, which i have silenced with a constant business. as difficult as this all had been, i am looking to stay positive and focusing on healing. reopening my mind and challenging it without expectation.

i have spent such a long time standing in place, only moving forward when propelled and prompted. the past might continue to splinter me here and there, but i’m no longer young and naive to remain still and fractured in my little corner of the world. we wander around often blindly like our eyes still feel the sting from the voices who told us we were too much and yet not enough. our backs hunched and our hands covered with burned loves and still questioning how to stop the tremors. the young years have crippled us, left us mad and doubtful right in the margin between an old memory and a blooming possibility. you’re going to survive all of this, i urged quietly to my wrists, lips pressed against the scars. listen, i used to only know how to dissolve so quietly that no one else can feel it, but i think i’m learning how to compromise less and expand more.