14 avril, 2019 6:20 p.m.

every year i await the months for winter to end and spring to thaw and it always fills me with awe… spring arrives in april like a warm sludge down my throat with intense humidity but i welcome any warmth with a hunger for the hurt because it hurts to heal and i’m going to take the sun in both hand and heart.

april comes with the sounds of bees on the wind like a sound from the future. the sun glows brightly and says everything is just about a few minutes away and that we should stop waiting for something we already have… the frost melts, the ground softens as if it’s healing.

nature is so goddamn sneaky… one day the trees were bare and dead and the next day there were itsy bitsy buds with life and being the first to be part of something so large.  when i am on my the platform waiting for my train, i see all these trees majestically poised and silently waiting for the spring thaw and then i saw these little buds, which made me smile and now they are voluptuous with green gently and happily swaying in morning breeze. the ground is soft in the face of life. the soft petals drink up the mist as the daffodils cradle the sun. i quench myself as something cracked and aged, as dry as starlight, in the wet swoons of april.

i have been a fucking social butterfly this month… i have gone to my department’s dinner event as i’m pretentious bitch and the dinner was at a great restaurant in philly where the food is to die for. i usually avoid social scenes as they are mind numbingly boring but i’m kind of missing having a social life which involves night life. i seriously need to find like minded people who would like to go dancing and having dinners at pretentious restaurants and go dancing with me.

i also went to a sixers basket ball game because my boss couldn’t go and she asked me to and i was actually off that day because i had to go to traffic court (remember i got a goddamn ticket ! and while waiving of my inspection ticket, they got me on another technicality ie i didn’t change my address on the registration & license. bastards ! the judge preached me why i needed to notify, & boy did i learn a very expensive lesson as i had to pay $150). if i had to go to work, i wouldn’t have gone to the sports event unless i get off early to go home and feed my kids and then go to the event. the people who organized it had a nice little suite and i know this is more like networking and i have nothing in common with people who goes there, and i’m not a sixers fan but it is an opportunity to feel like a vip and also i wanted to have the experience of actually going to live game. after politely excusing myself, i have made myself comfortable by getting a good seat where i can scream at the players as i have this habit of totally getting immersed in sports and usually scream at my tv (or a tv in a restaurant). but people came by and started chatting with me much to my dismay and i tried to multi-task but well, it’s ok as my boys, the warriors, weren’t playing below on the court; at one point, the partners of the company who organized this came and sat with me and one of them is a patriots fan and the other eagles fan. so i was making fun of the eagles loss, and he goes, “at least my team’s owner wasn’t in headlines with a sex scandal and doing dishonorable things”. it’s a jab at kraft getting caught with a prostitute and i answered him “he is a old and a widower and he got a happy ending and while i don’t condone it, let it go”. for me tho, the most mind boggling question is, he is a very rich guy and there are bleach blonde women with no morals and who would not only give a handjob or a blowjob or do anything else to have a rich life style and they must be fawning all over him and why does he even needed to go to such a place. had conversation with a couple of foreigners (scottish and aussie) and i can never understand why americans are so uptight with foreigners and they are more conservative than europeans.

tim from work, started teasing me about liking the best sports teams (aka patriots, warriors) and so everytime he makes fun of me, i started to print out a tom brady photo and put it on his desk.

my breathing is going great but the recent humidity made me wheeze a bit. i accepted asthma as part of my life, and am going to do whatever is necessary to keep breathing and hopefully not let it affect me negatively. i’m slowly increasing my work out time, and i’m nowhere near the time i want to spend working out but i’m getting stronger… clean eating is honestly the best thing which came out of my asthma. i recently found some vegan cakes and cookies at whole foods which translates to me being a potato #sidelook

i’m eager to explore the trails near my house and i wanted to do it this weekend, but sunday kind of blurred into chores and also clouds were hanging down low, & my laziness set in before i knew it. i made myself some gardein crab cakes and stuffed them into some tortis along with plantains, lentils. i also found out that burger king is now offering plant based meat whopper and i can’t wait to go and get one !

in other news, i’m house hunting and started looking at various options. i’ve a particular house in mind and i haven’t so far found it, but i’m getting ready for the time when i actually find it. i’m unsure at this point if i would ever find a bloke to settle down with and i’m kind of tired of dating men who i know i’m never gonna fall in love with or men who are so goddamn young. i genuinely want to have a loving and lasting relationship, but currently my feelings and my brain are at an impasse. and this is for you ! you made an effort to talk to me (twice) which made me suspicious – our silences are beautiful anyway as my heart extends into yours respite from life’s worries, and drizzling wonder over sepia-tinted days to linger softly within these glittery moments, i wrote love letters to you in my mind and that’s where they stay, and i dangle tender thoughts etching whispered dreams, wishing you were mine. i’m here because of failures of my past. i can trace the scars when i run my fingers on my heart and i just wish that you don’t give me new ones.

lying down on my bed while dusk has set upon the lips of the sky and the music is playing in the background with a song that feels like it could last forever inside of this memory, i love songs that stop time. like this moment is more real than any previous frame that you will revisit. i am hypnotized by the way rhythm and lyrics spoken with a tone that makes it feel as though you’re floating through a garden in space and everything is ethereal and unreal, but with the slightest touch, you’re back home and as long as you have that moment inside of your heart, you know that everything will always be alright.

a drizzly day ennui

hello it’s a cold, gray and misty sunday… how is your sunday ?

i woke up thinking (for whatever reason), autumn is to say goodbyes and winter is to forget and spring is to have rebirths.

on friday one of my best friends has died of brain cancer and i’m a bit gloomy. mainly because in spite of my endless begging, she wouldn’t let me visit her. i first met ingrid at my current church. (i was a lutheran before i became an adventist) and i bonded with her as she was as outspoken as i am. she was born in germany and had a very unhappy childhood and a nazi as her father; we used to spend our sabbath afternoons having picnics and hiking and having bible studies. this was before i got married and then we drifted apart as i moved away and they moved and you know, life happens. but then i found out that she got separated (or divorced) after she had an affair and stuff. even though this pained me immensely, i’m not gonna judge because remember “happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way – tolstoy”. i wanted to sit with her and giggle and reminisce as for me there are very few happy memories and she was one of them. but now she is gone and well….

yesterday i was at church, and after the sabbath worship services and an elder who knew that i was ingrid’s friend, told me to talk to someone as “i’ve gone through so much” and this adds to my sadness and to try and be not so detached. easy for him to say but i am still processing. i’ve been processing my feelings for a long time now and my “inbox” is actually full.  actually i don’t know how to process my feelings.  i can speak about them, from a third person point of view or as an observer. i am able to analyze and offer my thoughts and i am able to summarize them. but i can’t feel them. i put my life on pause and i wallow in silence. (“i, too, remember that feeling. you are caught between all that was and all that must be. you feel lost…” murakami, hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world.)

life goes on, life goes on, life goes on… i keep muttering to myself

friday afternoon, while coming home from work, dropped by the market to get a roast chicken for my kids and i was wearing my flyers hoodie and this guy in the check out line before me said “i work for them”… and i was chatting with him and discussed their miserable loss the day before and he was like they were all in the vacation mood… i wish i could go and slap each of them, but they are still my boys. i told him that flyers can come and sit in my cubicle anytime they want and he was like “where is this cubicle” and i told him where i work….. and oh, on friday, my boss did the sweetest thing, she hung a flyers idk what you call it but it’s like a flag (from years ago) in my cubicle and it warmed my heart.

i am eagerly waiting for superbowl sunday to rally behind my boys “the patriots”. my friends on facebook and i are fighting and chad is like are you from boston that you are patriots fan and i said, i like boston cream pie does that count ? at my work they are having a super bowl party and i have half a mind to bring some of those pies as all of the people at work (except for tim) are eagles fans… and i need to make sure there are plenty of tissues ready for them for the day after superbowl so they can wipe off their tears… :p

in my kitty news update… horus my child is now officially plump like his mama and he keeps flicking off the top of his feeding tube (the one with white tip) and i spend loads of time looking for this and this morning, i spent two hours looking for the top and i gave up… i plugged his tube with a crudely home made top (i just rolled a piece of paper towel and stuffed it into the feeding tube)

cheeti, my calico kitty who i rescued in 2002 and was so traumatized when we got her, that she wouldn’t let us (now me) touch her or pet her unless she wanted to, now finally trusts me and started spending time with me and now a days sleeps next to me and lets me massage her little body and she has the softest of fur and my eyes turn misty with emotion. i used to ask her if she would ever let me show affection before she or i die.

my skittles girl is definitely a super smart kitty. i feed my kids in paper plates and when my kids lick off the food from the plates the plates tend to move and so my other kids chase the plate. i observed skittles today and when the plate was trying to move away from her, she put her paw on the plate to hold it down and finish her breakfast…i was so fucking impressed with her !

currently, i am running around my house, white rabbit style, washing my bed sheets, clothes, vacuuming, trying to dry my body and my hair and dancing to the pixies and trying to write something philosophical in between and i need another coffee…. and oh oh oh, i want to go for a drive very badly on kelly drive just to feel the cold air hit my face & make me feel alive…

good morning y’all and more later…



i could blame the rain or the electricity in a cloud which loomed gently over my head. my heart aches at the mention of your name. i’ll always remember the fire behind your eyes burning brightly, enough to keep us both warm. the thoughts of you drench my skin wet, but wither my hopes. they asked me to implicate the intoxication of lust as the reason for my missing you.

but i couldn’t do it, i want you and crave your skin since the time you left me imagining your hands on my body under my sheets. i keep grabbing harder still at my own skin, and silently hoping a part of you may have materialized. nothing you have done or will do, will ever change the fact that i love you.  i am trying to remember how to forget you. i started penning a list of ways on how to lose the ones i love and all i end up writing is ‘ i love you’.

bisous !