metamorphosis

hi there all you wonderful souls !

i am morphing through my life like a chrysalis and there are changes everywhere as far as i could see.

i finally gotten used to my train rides. the transit time wasn’t that much of difference than the old days, but because of the way the other train seems to rattle, it felt like my new travel time is kind of slow and i felt (and somedays i do feel) every minute of my 50 minute or an hour commute and by the end of ,my journey (either going to work or back from work), my bum is completely numb, my legs and body stiff, and bladder completely full. but now a days i am used to these and i don’t feel those aches and pains.

praise be to heavens, my book reading has gone up considerably having finished four books in a span of a month. confession: i’m not reading book books, i am reading the downloaded pdf formatted ebooks on my ipad and i’m ashamed to admit this, but i’m taking the easy way out and preferring books to reading on ipad on account of lack of enough room to hold a book and this is true as the trains’ seats are not conducive for book reading even though i have seen some passengers carrying books (sheepish look). i am currently reading margaret atwood’s handmaid’s tale, another book i wanted to read forever and never found time.

as you all probably have recognized by this time, i have a thing for galaxies, space and other such nature related things and i have finally read the book “the alchemist – paulo coelho”

the year i wanted to read was the year i lost julien, and so the book was set aside. so when i finally finished this book last week, i was kind of stunned in a happy way as this boy in the book could be me. it’s by far my favorite book to ever exist; its a lovely story about a boy who travels from spain to egypt looking for the treasure he dreamed about multiple times. the boy meets many people on his quest to the desert including a gypsy, a merchant, the love of his life and an alchemist.

while reading this book and this boy’s journey, i remembered the time when julien and i tried to go climbing a mountain in kansas. in case you are not aware of it, kansas is a plain. my love for hiking was nurtured by julien and he used to climb alps and other mountains on account he was born filthy rich and his parents did all these holidays in glamorous places. so he when he was down in kansas visiting me, he chatted with some natives and they told him about this mountain we could go climb and so come sunday morning, he ifitted me and himself with gloves, hat, big jacket and hiking boots and we bundled into a car and we went a distance and we started trekking. french are polite and so he was silent and not asking about this mountain, as we can’t see any and we were both looking over the horizon, but nothing… so we kind of went up a bit of a hill and then we finally asked our guide where this mountain could be, and he was like you are standing on it !! and we bursted out laughing as this was not even a hill, it’s like a anthill..

anyway, back to the alchemist. this book is a great book if you ever find yourself stuck at a cross road and you need answers about love and life… i mean, what other questions does one have about life ? there are many teachings and lessons across his journey and i was completely transported in his journey and yes i find myself as i often do, at a cross road and it’s a nice understanding for me to know that no matter it’s good or bad, the treasure will be worth it especially when you find it where you least expect it.

may be it struck a chord as i am trying to figure out if i should give myself a chance at happiness with the american boy, not knowing if it could lead somewhere or if i would get terribly bored and chuck him aside. (i have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to boys and i don’t want to rob him of a good relationship if he is in one). but as the king in the book tells this boy, “when you really want something to happen, the whole universe will conspire so that your wish comes true”…. so don’t know, but i’m wishing this would happen that i’ll have a fling or a relationship with ze american boy, and let the magic begin 🙂

the house which i really wanted to buy was found to have a big problem, and so i discarded that and am looking for another one. and alas, the place where i live now, doesn’t seem to have my particular kind of house for the price i want to spend. and again i really wish i could read what my boy really thinks of me, for example, that he is bonkers over me or he detests me, because i would love to share my house with the american boy (in the list of my priorities, he is now at fourth position – god, my cats, me, and then american boy). and so if he likes me, i would buy a house keeping him in mind… but i have till june to suss him out i guess. and oh, in my kitchen, i have his passport photo. i forgot that i had his photo as when i first joined the company i took it home to scan and i completely forgot and the other day i was clearing out my so called wallet (it’s falling apart) and out it fell and now i stuck it next to my coffee pot. well, bon jour, mon ami !

anyway, i have been driving around on the weekends looking at houses with my specs and so far i haven’t fallen in love with any. but i know i will find my dreamy little cottage where i can have french garden and flowers with nectar to have a little butterfly garden and birds.

plans for this year also include, buying a bmw x6… i am dreaming of a bmw, as both my boy cars are older and they are still running, but i would love a new car (or buy a reasonably older year and modify for drag racing)

i was thinking about this french canadian i dated once – jean-pierre drove in formula one and he was like a millionaire (investment banker). he used to make fun of me saying that he only did highschool and he was a millionaire and i have all these degrees and tha i’m not. i told him that money is easy to make if you have like two neurons but all the people who make money, may not be entirely happy and they don’t enjoy life… i don’t spend a lot of time thinking about making money, but importantly i’m content and i enjoy my life. i told him to go fuck himself when he asked me to be his wife, but just stay home and be a wife. i don’t fit that bill but true, somedays i do feel that i should have taken him up on his offer.

i’ll be rich – that is not a big problem as i have more than two neurons plus no distractions of a family and oodles of time to use my brains. i just went through a rough road, but i’m in final stages of smoothing my way, and probably it would take me another year to start playing with money. i can’t do that just now as i have kids and i don’t have enough spare money to play with, in case i need it for their emergency vet bills.

but then again, i don’t want to be super rich at the expense of my enjoyment or my happiness. i want to have enough to take care of my bills and emergencies and then the rest would be for sport. and then, i look at people around me with monies but not happy. and they teach me things and i learn very studiously. my boss keeps asking, how can you stand me, even when i can’t stand myself ? the answer is very simple and alas, i could never say this to her directly. i feel sorry for my boss. she is extremely intelligent, hard working, very fair and very rich. i admire her immensely, but she is one of the unhappiest people i’ve met. i think sometimes riches do that to you. somehow all that money can’t give you contentment or happiness. i understand her misery but i can’t help her as happiness is something which should come from within you. and so i try and make her work life a bit easy by doing my job and am hoping to help her be content and happy.

i think it’s very important to live a life of content and bliss. happiness is never a constant because it’s relative and there are things which could make you immensely sad but if you are content, happiness becomes a hue of you and makes you glow.

my boys patriots have come to their final leg of the race and to get that superbowl. recently in the news, there was a daft kid who won a science fair by doing a silly little experiment and thus proving “tom brady cheated”. i try and not insult kids as they are still learning and their minds are sill blank. what i would like to do is first find the science fair judges and give them a whooping and then find the guy who generously gave me a copy of that article (at work) but didn’t have enough balls to admit that he did.

what he forgot was or he didn’t know was, that i am a scientist. we are arrogant and we know how to make you feel small because we know science. the kid’s experiment is totally invalid as he experiments with footballs which weighed different lbs, like 5 lbs, 6 lbs, etc. but there is an physics law known as “ideal gas law”. where it says that if the volume is constant, the air pressure drops with temp fluctuations and the mass changes are insignificant as the air weighs nothing and this whole experiment was an exercising in irritating me and trying to distract patriots from winning the superbowl. but tom brady and patriots got this !

in the end, after all the dust has settled from a trying ordeal and the universe finally gives you some signs that begin to reveal things you didn’t know but in hindsight you see the writing on the wall and what you’ve found.

anyway, whether you are the american boy or tom brady… hear this, for i shall say this only once…

“once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen”

see you soon !

love and light 😘

allegory of the cave

whisper something beautiful to me. i’ve always wanted my life explained like a scientific paper published in nature with five figures. nature doesn’t allow more than 5 figures. so it would have been quite helpful if my life can be explained like that and with conclusions and what future direction i should go.

i’m a little wounded now. it sucks you know. one would think that as you grow older one would know how to manage feelings and a broken heart. i have gone round the world in a circle and ended up at square 1. do you ever get that malaise where you just feel utterly lonely ? i’m always alone, but i don’t often feel lonely. being alone is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s like when you visit a museum and you see something profound. i often feel that. everyone around me is moving, bustling, giggling and here i’m caught up in something; like all of a sudden everything is calm and there i have it. the moment of clarity in all that chaos which is otherwise my life. my life can best be explained by plato’s allegory of the cave, because i often feel like i’m trapped in my own life.  being physically and emotionally alone is something i’ve gotten used to it after julien’s and jace’s passing and i even started feeling good about being alone. listening to music, while running around in my underwear, keeping my head down, and smiling at strangers… odd feeling and different but good.

life is cruel. and the darkness in me isn’t seen, it’s only felt. i carry it like my shadow and it became invisible. but it takes a form when i remember. when autumn boy had that conversation with me, what i pushed into shadows came out. all the darkness which i push down, deep down in my heart, got loose and it came out. nostalgia… it’s delicate and potent. it breaks me and cripples me. nostalgia means the pain from an old wound. it’s a twinge in my heart far more powerful than memory alone. a feeling of a time, i ache deeply to go again.

but this may be a good thing because, i think i somehow eased into something with autumn boy, like a boundary was crossed and at least standing on the same level. maybe. or maybe i broke in to him or broke the wall which i put up. i’m still wary because he is a sorcerer and he spins his silvery web. like a spider he knits a spell and his magic. my darling, my darling, my blue-eyed boy… you made july sorrow-filled and lovely, and you made october lonely and you made every month in between beautiful hell.

but i keep thinking about being sincere and honest with myself. and the solution became clear, like the things the color blue brings to life. melancholia brings beautiful poetry out of me; for fuck sake, i literally glow… my dreams keep asking me “how did you survive”.. i answer hesitatingly “i’m able to pickout patterns one can’t detect” but i wish i didn’t survive.

i have been having lengthy conversations with sandalwood for the past few days. i wasn’t that keen on marriage in the first place because he is awfully younger than i’m and i think, he would be better off without me. he doesn’t see it that way (#facepalm) and while i enjoy his company deeply (and the sex is great), i halted the wedding plans for now. and yesterday we both went for a car ride in the evening… did i tell you, i like to speed ? but yesterday for the first time, i drove on pa turnpike. first time because i hate turnpikes. no life and no activity. i love driving on country roads. you don’t know what you get. a pothole or a deer or squirrel resting on the middle of the road. i get to drive through small towns and villages, and farmlands and simple life.

while driving, a-ha’s “take on me” came on the radio, and i was already doing 80 mph, and when this song came on, i floored the accelerator, screaming the song at the top of my lungs into the night air, while dancing in my seat and sandalwood laughing and saying that i have lost it.

autumn paints in colors, summer could get jealous of. the sunset was spread over in the evening sky, making the clouds blush and bloom into beautiful roses.

we hiked till it’s a bit dark and was getting cold; we both wanted to have sex, but then we realized my cell phone’s battery is almost gone, because the charger in my car wasn’t charging, his was on ½ life and we have no clue where we were and when it’s dark everything looks the same and we were in the middle of nowhere. here i should tell you a funny time. julien and i were at a ski resort in utah, he wanted to ski and i tried to learn and after having bum black and blue, i gave up. So one day we drove to yellow stone national park and we camped there and we were happily having sex in the back of our suv, when a bear came through the front and julien (naked and all) jumped out and trying to drag me out and i was frantically looking for my pants and not moving; he was so upset and he kept yelling the bear doesn’t care about me being naked… i finally found my pants and pulled them on but by that time, the bear got bored and left.

work is cool as usual. my boss gave me good news and i’m chuffed about it. i stayed home today to work on a few projects. my boss gets paranoid when i take off as she thinks that i may leave and now a days even tim started on it. when i informed him i won’t be in, he is like you are coming in the tomorrow right ? i told him that he is getting paranoid as well. i like conversations with him because he is genuine. and humble. he is good for my intellect and to keep me laughing. his humor is subtle. he thinks his humor is dry and i explained to him that his humor is subtle, like ‘frasier’ (tv show) or like britcoms and only people with more than two neurons would get that sense of humor.  for that matter both my boss and tim make me laugh. a lot.

i have been away from gym and i can see myself getting bloated what with the steroids. now i have to go back and be studious about it.

last sunday my colleague from work and i went to watch patriots game at this sports bar. and here’s the thing. i actually called them up to ask if they are airing and the said yes. so we go there to find out, no audio or no closed captions and we talked to the manager, the hostess, the waiters and no dice. the bar is airing eagles game (philadelphia) on every other tvs with audio on the bar speakers and closed captions. i can’t fathom their logic and we both left and i wrote a nasty review on yelp. i’m usually nice even when people are evil, but yea, not this time. the cherry on this pie was eagles lost (and in a most bizarre and unbelievable way) while patriots won.

i went out this evening to get gas and this song came on “if you like pina colada” and for a change, i was actually paying attention to the lyrics because i usually tune out songs i don’t like and let my brain make up stories in general. i’m not sure, but i think this song is about adultery. and in the song, the couple who tried to commit adultery is not actually acknowledging it. i was like that can’t be right, is it ?

my cat, winter is quite a conversationalist when the mood strikes him. he is now in my bed, talking away. he is one of those cats, who actually answers to your questions and i have been racking my brain to figure out how best i could explain plato’s allegory of the cave to him as i think that’s how my life has been going and he is a good listener and he would also help me in his own way to figure things out, so i bid you all good night and will now go and have this philosophical discussion with him.

hollow echoes…

unbelievable how fast the time goes. it feels like october just made an appearance, like yesterday, and here we are almost at the end of this month.

this week was a bit hard, you guys, in spite of all my favorite teams won and i’m afraid i’ve forgotten again how to be happy. i know sadness, i know fear, i know longing and anxiety and despair. i am always trying to be content but you know happiness is a choice and well, everything is heavy now. i’m weighed down and i can do nothing.

living is just not enough – one must have kittens, books and flowers; i was always trying to fill in gaps and wide open spaces left behind by all those people i loved before and i kept drifting in between what it means to find the one person that can mean everything, sweep me off my feet in a rush of falling in love too soon and getting caught in the net of potential.

we all have stories and sometimes we can’t face the truth and we are not honest.

what i am trying to say is, i forgotten to be sincere with myself. i thought that it’s tangible and raw, picked from the sleeve where i carry my emotions on, but i’m not sure.

i have remainders and reminders from my story; figurative paper cuts, dog-eared memory holders, a little smudge of tears. my story is clumsily written and sometimes it’s difficult; sometimes a handful of pills and a glass all empty; sometimes a razor and thin red lines on my inner thighs. my words stumble and slip but there are still details in my breaths and syllables. even though my thoughts are inconsistent, my head is not concise, and my sense is irregular, i try my best to make my words genuine. after all, a true story isn’t told; it’s felt.

i need to keep grounded, even when my head is in the clouds. i have to stay honest with myself. i need to remain humbled. i keep fighting and all through my life, i keep hearing myself telling me, that i’m not “deserving” or “valuable.”

if you listen closely enough, you can hear when a life breaks. it’s 8776 days since julien passed away. it’s 1618 days since jace passed. everyone thinks that it’s the initial pain that hurts the most when someone dies.

they’re wrong.

it’s the missing that leaves your teeth aching, the trembling fingertips when all you want is to press the call button on your phone, the time when you realize that there are things they will never live through. it’s sitting across the dinner table and saying “there’s nothing more that i want than what is impossible to become possible again.” it’s the 14th of every month. it’s the 23rd of every month. it’s those moments where you just need to share when you see a cute kitty photo or what to do when you’re angry at something or someone. it’s that never ending desire to talk to them every day. trying to remember what my last conversation was and what i should have said instead.

but the hardest thing, the most painful, is that the sadness will never go away; it will only subside and fade. and living with constant sadness hurts more than anything else.

but you know what ? i sing anyway.

it’s up to me to make memorable moments so i can lean on. life is not measured in number of breaths i take, but in moments which take my breath away.

to the ‘autumn-boy’

he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)

autumn

fall

last blog i kind of started off talking about changing my eating habits again but got distracted by browns tying-up the game (american football).

to start off, i lost another 0.5 lbs so after almost three months of working out i lost a total of 1 lb… yay ?!? also i not only made the gym board last month (for the month of august) but i actually topped it and i was goddamn pleased with it but alas this month my name is nowhere to be seen as i put in no time in september.

as i kept bleating over and over, asthma took (and is still taking) a toll on my health and weight management; also lack of motivation due to wanting to give up on life for a while also didn’t help (confession: i still want to give up but i don’t see a way out yet as my kitties will be orphans); and i finally gotten enlightenment where i realized that i can die a little every day and be miserable or just try and make changes and start dancing again and to get back into ballet and look like old self again, i changed my mindset and making all kinds of changes and giving my old funny self a chance to come out and be a dancer. working out is a good thing if you already don’t know it. it’s good because, endorphins. it makes you feel great about yourself and keeps you happy. working out is a good stress reliever because one is not allowed to kill that annoying coworker or a family member. i know it’s not easy as i made myself into a whale, but i am determined to dance, whale or not… getting fit (i am not talking about becoming thin) is not easy as my body learnt to become lazy and gotten into severe bad eating habits; again, i stress that one could be a vegetarian but still have bad eating habits… i started setting myself goals with very small changes.

i started eating at least one avocado religiously everyday because i want to work towards becoming a vegan and i usually rely on eggs for omega 3s and 6s fatty acids and avocados are a good substitute.

currently my nutritional intake is roughly about 85% carb, 10% protein and 5% fat and i need to adjust my ratios to somewhere like 68% carb, 18% protein and 14% fat which is easier said than done and aaaaaaaaaargh !

also i’m finding myself doing a big pot of meals with flesh for the “if it doesn’t have meat in it, i won’t eat it” member of my household aka sandalwood and a small pot of completely plant based meals for myself and this gotta change as it’s bad enough i’ve to debone, deskin and defat, roast chickens for my kitty babies and now i’ve cook as well with flesh and frankly, bleh ! yesterday when i was shopping for some meat, i found a butterflied lamb and i picked it up with the tips of my fingers and was carrying it at arms length while looking for a plastic bag to put it in, when a guy at the grocery store helped me with that, commenting that my hands looked full (i was carrying the lamb thing in one hand and my car keys in the other) – i always have adventures at the store. one time i was trying to get a bottle of lemon juice which was on the top shelf and towards back and i’m a tiny person. after standing on my toe tips, and stretching and almost climbing the grocery store shelf, i finally got hold of a bottle and for a second i was pleased with myself on this victory only to find that the bottle i blindly grabbed at was wrong type of lemon juice and i loudly went “fucking hell” and turned around and almost ran into this guy who was behind me and he coolly went “do you want me to grab your bottle” and he did.

finally my boys patriots are warming up and winning games – still ways to go to win the super bowl but patience is a virtue – these sports are not good for my blood pressure; as i keep grinding my teeth, screaming and pulling my hair.. but watching sports is fun 😊

on work front, things are great as usual. tim recently lost his sister and i felt very sorry for him. he is one of those strong silent types, who hide their feelings. i tried my best to console him. and oh, at my work, there is a jewish person (whom i haven’t met) in another city and one day we were exchanging work related emails, and i wished him happy rosh hashanah (as it was that time) and he was pleasantly surprised and since then we have been sharing our faith. i am strictly “if you ask me i’ll share my faith” person and this is giving me an opportunity to share. i asked eric, the silent one, to teach me deadlifts at gym and oh well, since my last conversation, he was too busy with work and couldn’t get into gym. my gym time is also a bit less what with work (apparently i have to work as i need to get paid) and the whole farce with brett kavanaugh hearings. there are a few people at work who told me that they like chatting with me and one day this boy came up to talk to me and after he left, my colleague is like you were flirting with that boy. it’s a possibility as i am a big flirt and i do it without even thinking, but this boy is a child and as much as i date men who are far younger than i am, i don’t think i would date anyone who isn’t yet 30

september is done (why is time in such a hurry ?) – i embraced september’s dark and dreary and watched it’s beautiful decline into decay and nature preparing for it’s winter sleep. october came with a flourish and with remnants of august summer. i am terrified of my own happiness. i have been retracing steps and examining how things were going, and more importantly fixing what was broken. it rained hard last night, showers a little today, all courtesy of a storm who is making an appearance in my neighborhood, but the still cool temps helped me through a medium-long run of couple of miles.  it was a pretty sight, running through the mists in the dusk lights of the neighborhood. as a general rule, i don’t go running as i want to protect my knees but yesterday i couldn’t hit the gym and my body wants pain and this phase feels right, and looking like all the pain and sweat of these weeks is gonna pay off.

the best things of life are not things, but moments. somedays are just wonderful and i just want to tie them up into a little bouquet. i’m trying to create beautiful moments with my babies. every sunday i throw open my front door and my kids run around in the lawn while i try and straighten out the house. there’s a big difference between being centered and being self-centered.if you live your life as if everything is about you… you will be left with just that. just you. magic is inside you and it is all around. it’s in the twinkling wink of the stars and in the whispers of the wind in the trees; and it’s in the seductive scents of the flowers; and in my heart when it skips a beat every time i see american boy; it’s in the warm embrace of my kitties and it’s in the spark when sandalwood and i kiss. and all i need to do is pull off the darkness that shrouds my view and call up the magic which is buried deep inside me…

persimmons and pancakes

12/05/2017

they are actually crêpes but persimmons and crêpes didn’t rhyme well… 😊

grateful for the colors i fill my life with. it’s important for me to cultivate a safe home for myself. last weekend, for an empty sunday afternoon, i decided i would sweep up my wooden floors and open up the windows (to let the crisp cold air in). i just had a good breakfast a home-made crêpe and a hachiya persimmon…… yes ! a hachiya !

last week after work i hopped on an acela and went to new york, because my friend came to nyc from san fran for a conference and of course, we have to meet and when i arrived at the penn station, she met me with a hachiya persimmon and it made me giddy with happiness. hang on to your friends who meet you at a railway station with a persimmon ! we went to east village and roamed around holding hands and i found some hachiya persimmons and bought them… i am admiring my bounty as we speak !

she was put in a days inn hotel by some mistake and she and i giggled so much over this and i wanted to share this with everyone on facebook and she threatened me that if i did this, she will tell our network of friends about my love for terry…

she and i decided we would color our hairs with purples and so we bought the colors and dyed our hairs but as we have black hair (and we should have bleached our hairs first) it kind of gave a hint of color but not drastically and now whenever i wash my hair it bleeds purple. i’m convinced my work gym people will throw me out as i keep purpling their towels…

i’ve decided i will work out at the gym (at work) as increasingly i am not finding time to go to my gym after i get home from work, as jack decides not to as he was feeling lazy or as my kids are all having sniffles i’m running around hosptial or pet store and i have oodles of time at work and i am not the one who sits and twiddles thumbs and so i started going to the gym and started working out with the weights and stuff and my lungs are still problematic which makes me get bloated on and off depending on my lungs, but i think i need to just bite the bullet and work out even when i am unable to breathe.

and i usually warm up on the treadmill to get the target heart rate before i hit the weights, and i usually wipe down the equipment before and after using them as i am germaphobe and one time, one of the superiors from my department was there on an elliptical opposite to me and when he was done he proceeded to wipe down the entire machine and i wanted laugh so hard, i mean, men just are so full of y chromosome… !

this week’s accomplishments included me making 14,000 steps and i have found a co-relation between the heart rate and racking up the steps. i’ve this habit of salsa dancing if i am not tired enough and so the other night i was happily dancing and i forgot to remove my fitbit and in half hour i racked up 2000 steps and when i achieved my goal of 14,000 steps fitibit threw out some fireworks… so yay !

jack’s daughter (yes he is a bisexual and now gay and married to a guy) got her first period and a very panicky jack called me and i went to the drug store to get some cups as liz wanted a menstrual cup and i am not really fond them myself but i taught her how to use them and i get to be a mum for a whole hour and i was quite please with this.

i went to dinner with the italian and he talked about how he’s listening to christmas  songs and talked about christmas the whole time and when he asked if we can meet again, i said no. and no, this time it’s not about terry at all. his conversation had no substance and he actually isn’t currently reading any books (remember, he said he reads books ! he lied, the bastard). and also, i found the italian’s voice is super annoying and i can’t deal with that. i need a man who has a sexy voice which would make me swoon. like when i talk to him on the phone, i shouldn’t be trying to hang up… 😊

funny story; my voice on the phone is quite sexy (i am not sure about it now as i sound stuffed up) and i know this for a fact because many people have said this (men) and my aunt one time called me to talk about something and she was like you should tone down the sexiness in your voice… umm, i wasn’t trying to be sexy ? my husband used to tease me saying i should become one of the 900 persons, you know who talk sex to people on the phone. one time i said it’s not enough to have a sexy voice, one should also say sexy things like take off your panties and shit like that and i would just read some scientific article and men don’t pay to hear me read a scientific journal about alzheimer’s and my boy went, i would pay you even if you read me the phone book… lol and yeah, well, i am not saying that i’m a prude and actually it’s quite the opposite as i am quite a slut in bed but i don’t end up bedding anyone i am not in love with so….

my kitty boy zazie is now fully upgraded to be one of my kids ie utterly spoiled and moody and bratish. his name evolved from zach to z to zz and to zazie…. zazie is one of the french pop singers and z fell in love with her songs and he wags his tail to her songs.

it’s been quite a handful of days these days and i can’t explain to you, even if i tried, that i traveled a distance in reasons beyond needing a selfish conclusion to this murky feeling i had been swimming in for the past few months. there is a fate which drew us together, connecting us despite distance and time. i let you into my life without complaint, allowed myself to be more vulnerable than ever before, showed you my world and mistakes, hoped to allow you to do the same. i walked into something i knew would end with a truth that would leave me unable to hold onto something anymore, the consequences of falling in love with someone when the burden i’m carrying is too heavy and the result of the right person in the wrong circumstances;

when i saw you yesterday after you returned, you looked so tired and old and i wanted to smooth those creases away and kiss your tired eyes and hold you close to my heart  and i wanted to care but wouldn’t because of the things tugging against us. i wondered how long a person can keep quietly caring, silently praying with pleas of desperate hope to fates unknown, the foolish hopeful thoughts we move towards fearlessly.

is there any other way ?

 

“fuck you (or off)” days in my life

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11/08/2017

greetings from my bed… i’m sitting here reading about seahorses and listening to fur elise and life is sad and beautiful.

this pic is me and i will tell you the story in a few lines…

i know, i know i need to address why my title is such…. because i am getting annoyed beyond my patience… seriously… somedays all i want to say is “fuck you” to everyone i meet… may be i should go “hi, fuck you”… i may be exaggerating a bit but sometimes it’s like that. i guess this is because my idiot friends have set me up with a couple of men (don’t ask) i am not interested, but i do things for my friends’ sake but these men are so off what i look for in men and my friends know this but they are all on a mission to get me going. so one guy is an indian, neuro surgeon, lives in nj and a hindu ; sorry but he is already out, on the basis that he is a hindu and i am not even gonna pretend i would date anyone who isn’t a christian. but i thought i would email him friend like and then give him the (bad) news

the other guy is somewhere closer to me and he owns some goddamn business or he is some sort of executive…  the condition was i will chat with them via email and if i think they have a brain to converse with me like an intellectual, i will then meet them (like a year or so later) i mean, seriously, i can’t date them if they are idiots.

so i emailed them and what do they reply, this is my phone number let’s text or talk… and here i typed a neat little letter saying, let’s chat a while via email… i completely ignored the replies and started asking questions but again they replied let’s talk or text… their replies are sitting in my inbox and i am now thinking, when is the right time to say “excuse me, but please fuck off”.

and this morning when i walked into the office i hurriedly took this photo so i can show you how i looked when i rode my train to the city. so here i was, on a bitter cold morning, wearing flyers pullover, with the hoodie up and over it i wore a light coat, mirror sunglasses on and earphones in my ears with music blaring and then this guy sits next to me who came with a newspaper and a coffee mug and distinctly smelling of alcohol and his elbow was like touching my ribs and i am in general very claustrophobic and i hate anyone touching me unnecessarily but i thought well he is fat and it’s a two seater and he was trying to read the paper and on and on but i wasn’t pleased. and then two minutes later, he taps on my arm and is like “can you believe this (some election shit) this guy won and i haven’t voted for him…” i politely nodded and continued playing on my phone (candy crush ! fuck yeah !!) and i was thinking which part of my ensemble made you think that i am open for conversation and he continued to dig into my ribs and i started to think about weinstein and the whole deal about sexual harassment and wondering if this guy is planning to do that and if so, i will have you know, i would happily kick him in his balls as i don’t stand for that shit… i come from warrior race.

anyway, he was all smiles when we were getting off (maybe he is already boozed up and it was hardly 8:30 am)

anyway, that was my other fuck you moment…

just for clarity, the rest aren’t f/u days but mere observations….

i don’t know what’s going on with “walking dead” and i am getting a distinct feeling that i may have missed the last episode for the previous season.

past weekend i sat and watched “falling water” on amazon and i had high hopes for that series but in the midway, they made it way too complicated or maybe they lost interest or whatever i almost lost interest but i have ocd and i finished watching it.

for ages, i have been trying to make the special k loaf which is really yummy and so on monday night i mixed up the ingredients for baking and i switched on the oven to preheat….

now, i am a very good cook. but i don’t cook anymore because, well because i am alone and i am now storing pots and pans in the oven and in my brilliance, i decided i would use the top filament as a shelf for plastic  lids and when i turned the oven on, i forgot about this bit and the whole plastic things melted and i kept smelling the burning plastic when i get in the kitchen but i thought it was somewhere from outside and i soon found out the melted plastic and i couldn’t at first figure out where this plastic came from but then i remembered. well long story short, i cleaned the goddamn oven and the next day made the loaf which is yummy even though i was greedy and put a lot more walnuts than the recipe called for… and oh i have to start cooking esp for dinners as once the weather kind of settles on what it wants to be, like cold and winter like or warm and summer like, i have to cut my cals for ballet’s sake and speaking of ballet, i tweaked my knee a bit and it’s painful when do pliés.

today i had to talk to my boy (yay!) and my missouri boy loves his meat sandwiches…i needed him to pick out flesh meat sandwiches as i am a veggie person and i don’t think they would appreciate my choices. it was a to do. there was a lot of unnecessary discussion imo and i was like this shouldn’t take this long and i wasn’t like planning to spend so much time in front of him for reasons but whatever…. i also gave him unwanted advice re. eating fish and that one can get ptomaine poisoning or botulism… but i haven’t elaborated on that as i was already in his presence more than necessary…. i am exhausted to be honest, to keep hiding and to keep running away from him and from myself and also i woke up at 2:30 this morning as jack, my friend, decided he would text me then.

i was reading about seahorses today as i mentioned earlier and seahorses are different and extraordinary… you now, the males get pregnant and them giving birth to babies is so fascinating… it actually  looks like an orgasmic ejaculate rather than giving birth… check out the link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mshcqrru-gk

a fun seahorse fact for you coming from this side of my philly, and it is this: the genus for seahorses is hippocampus which is where the english word hippocampus come from. the hippocampus is the region in your brain that is responsible for forming long term, typically episodic, memories. we all have hippocampus in our brain, and therefore, if you will, this seahorse section of our brain is responsible for encoding, remembering, and recalling important, life changing, world shaping events.

maybe no one else will find this as cool as i do, but i felt the need to share. and so i should be happy as a seahorse, and looking forward to remembering the beautiful past and making wonderful new memories like seahorses do.

speaking of jack, he and i usually go to symphonies and i have asked him to go with me to a couple of symphonies this month… (haydns seasons and gershwin) and especially because yannick nezet seguin is conducting and i kept asking him if he wants to go so i can buy tickets (you know good ones) and he is like dodging and i have to buy them soon like in two or three days and i know once i click the “buy” button he would text me bleating that he wants to go.

oh well, so much happens during winter months but i don’t mind the cold because i get to dress up like a girl and look soft and beautiful and all i need is my goddamn boy to escort me into the kimmel center… a girl can dream you know !!!

it’s late and i should be in bed !

kisses kitten !

on the cusp….

11/2/2017

i can’t even explain it but like, damn, fall speaks to my soul on such an intimate, deep level. like it places it’s hands on my knees and looks deep into my soul and asks me personal questions… did you see the moon tonight ? it’s not full yet but on the verge of being one…. the feeling that resonates inside me when the weather turns crisp and the earth turns grey is so powerful and positive i can hardly contain it.

this day started awful… my cat boy minnu, is mama’s boy and when he is not out frolicking in the yard (he and his brother sonu jump the fence and go gallivanting), he sticks close to his mama and tries to help me and so if i open the clothes dryer door, he gets in there, and if i open refrigerator door, he jumps in there and one time, i opened the refrigerator door and he jumped in when my back was turned and i haven’t realized that and i coolly shut the door and then i could hear him meowing faintly and i thought he went out and i called and called and when he stopped answering i thought he jumped the fence and gone….after an hour or more, may be, for some reason i had to open the refrigerator and when i saw him, my heart just stopped and he was cold and i quickly tucked him under my shirt so my body can heat him up and my word, i would have died if anything had happened to him. and now i keep checking and double checking the refrigerator esp when i have to go out and i get panicky if i don’t see him before i walk out of the door…

so when i got home last night, he came down the steps to the garage bouncing and immediately jumped into my arms and helped me to put things away and when i opened the boot of my car, he jumped in it and stayed there and i took the shopping upstairs to put away and he followed me like the lamb he is and i completely forgot that i left the boot open and in itself it’s not bad at all, but i have the car lights on auto and so unless all the doors and boot are shut, the lights stay on…. you know where i am going with this right ?

so when i came bouncing down the stairs this morning, got into my lexus boy and inserted the key and turned and nothing !!!

i screamed but it was getting late so i trotted off to the train station, silently promising myself that i will punish minnu when i get home… and i arrived at the station sweating (it was warm today) and i had a thick sweater on and saw the train leaving as i was walking up to the station and i wanted to cry…

it’s getting harder for me to avoid the boy especially when i hear him a foot or two away and all my being keeps still and breathes in his every whisper and word and i almost cried for not seeing him. but i made it another day by the skin of my teeth…

withdrawal sets in when ?

there was a bit of hilarity about the muffin tops… someone at work took off the muffin top to eat and left the stem and brian came to me to report it and i educated him on this particular episode of seinfeld on the same topic… muffin tops and we had a good laugh.

brian wanted to find out why i haven’t shown up for the breakfast stuff this morning and i rolled my eyes….enough said ?!? i’ve stopped going to the social gathering of the office as they are immensely boring and i have nothing in common with anyone and they all talk about some stuff which doesn’t interest me and ugh… it’s a torture honestly as the boy will be there and he never talks to me (because we have nothing in common and i could wear an eagles jersey but i don’t care for eagles and fuck that ! i would never bleach my hair blonde to attract someone or flutter my eyelashes at someone or pretend to be someone i am not… even if he were terry, my blue eyed boy !)

and well… i probably went for one or two events and then i stopped… they recently had a halloween costume thingy and i didn’t go, not because i don’t wanna socialize but more like it’s pagan and i can’t get into that for religious reasons; but now everyone is like why aren’t you there and i am like ummm……..

i left early to come home to get aaa to jumpstart my car and it’s like an hour and a half wait and i changed my clothes for my ballet class and while waiting i danced around a bit….

i sat on the stoop (?) or threshold of my front door with a layer of sweat dancing on my skin and watched the sky turn from blue to a misty grey and orange, a sweet dank smell in the air and bit musty… i love this feeling. overcome with a calmness that starts in my fingertips and settles in my chest…. being thankful

the guy came and jumped my car and like everyone else who met my car(s) fell in love with it and i took his phone no. because he is going to do a bit of work on it and promised me he won’t charge me an arm and a leg and honestly, i would rather give him my car to work on it and then take it for a drive than to someone who don’t appreciate my cars… i mean, i am a classy woman and i own things which have class or i will go without it… never settle for knock-offs…

on my way back from ballet, the moon was bright (almost) it’s not full moon yet but it was beautiful and i was in tears because i miss terry… i’m thinking i need someone so i can fall apart in their arms and a chest to sob into…

for the blue-eyed boy with a backpack, i never once imagined i would accidentally meet you and that i would have something in my life as amazing (goddamn ! i’m hoping you are amazing) as you.

i want you to reveal your secrets. may be i will tap you on the tip of your nose with my fingers and let my warmth fade gently into your skin, mingle with your blood to reveal an inky scrawl of the marauder’s map, telling me exactly where i need to go to figure you out. help me to find you. i see you in the cusp of the trees, in the keys of a piano, in the soft curves of a flower… the strings of the violin, seems to leak your voice in whispers and i see you in the soft curtains in the glow of the morning sun… help me to know you… help me to figure you out and i want you to reveal me your secrets.

for the boy with the backpack, maybe i will keep making the same mistakes again and again; maybe i will keep making a handful of u-turns and maybe that’s just what life is about sometimes; taking chances on strangers and not worrying about getting lost along the way. i’m keeping my heart open.

bises !

ps: goddamn ! i need another boy to write about ! a boy who is single and available and completely compatible with me…

more ramblings….

10/23/2017

it seemed a couple of weeks ago fall is making it’s way by changing one leaf at a time and then today when i was driving in i saw there are so many fallen leaves in my yard and well, what happened ? i still haven’t taken my drive to look at the fall colors in their orgasmic splendor rolled out as tho someone painted them colors across the horizon with a big paint brush. autumn you are full of twists and turns and curls.. !

this morning it was foggy when i woke up and i was pretty happy to see that… hurriedly fed my kids and made myself a cup of coffee and immersed myself in a thick coat (jace’s coat.. for some reason i love wearing his t-shirts and clothes and i actually swim in them but i love the feeling) and went for a little walk around the block, sipping coffee and it was chilly and misty with fog but it’s fall and i am secure in the darkness and the dankness of it and it was totally worth it. did i tell you i hate days ? as in when the sun is up and no offense, monsieur sun. it’s nothing personal i just can’t face myself in the day time.

at work i ran into my boy in the elevator (i miscalculated his arrival time) and he goes how was your weekend and such a nice weather isn’t it and i said yes it’s fine. i mean, i really don’t want to talk to him. well i do but i don’t. i misread him so much and i have to slap myself silly to not hope and to just take his words as they were and by the end of the day i am totally black and blue with all the slapping i do to myself. if someone else says the same words i just think they were making conversation but when he says i feel as tho he is flirting… i wonder how the fairy tale ends… i mean i have this fate of romantic destiny within my hands reach and i would rearrange my whole universe to make him as my center and will bend over backwards to fit him into my life if he asked…

anyway, the saga with terry continues and i want him to be happy and if he is happy in his current relationship, so be it… i just need to hold my breath till i stabilize (or till he gets married) and then i can move on….  (i keep telling these things and repeating them like a mantra so i won’t feel too unfulfilled)

the chef at our cafeteria always makes time to talk to me and i asked him today what’s the big deal about the quarterback as in american football… in philly eagles are the football team and eagles are usually losers but this year they got a new kid called wentz and he is quarterback and the team seems to be winning nicely. the chef tried to explain something to me but after a couple of sentences i realized that he knows less than i know and i know nothing of american football but i always pick new england patriots to win the superbowl and hurray i win all the time. or he may be finding it hard to explain it to someone who knows nothing about football esp a girl…a girl of foreign origin. but he and i have a common interest which is our ice hockey team, flyers but they are also losers… but i love them anyway… lol

i got home and got a loud greeting from zz and he is now growling less, and exploring the house. his face looks a bit like an owl. fed kids and ran to the library to exchange my books and while i was passing the table, i saw a very familiar photo on the laptop of this guy and i was thinking, she looks familiar and then realized that it was my facebook page… i was thinking “excuse me, do i fucking know you ?” and i stared at this guy and he finally looked up and he shamelessly gave me a smile… well, i ask you ? what’s with the fascination with my life.. ? my life is not that great people. if i have a choice, i would rewrite it. my boy actually (he didn’t admit it) was on my facebook i was convinced as he let it slip that i curse too much and i was thinking i don’t do that at work and never to him. so i changed my facebook address but i felt bad that he may think i am locking him out and so i gave him my email address to subscribe to my tiny letter but he never emailed me so, it’s ok. i think… but he knows, me thinks, may be as a suspicion, but he knows that i have a crush on him but whatevs… he can have that.

went to gym and i had to call 911 to report some woman needing some help and got home and no in bed and unwinding about my day… yes, i have resumed putting in quality time at gym as my ballet teacher went with the most sweetest voice possible (she is a russian matron and she scares me) and with thick accent, “i know you had asthma attack but i see you are not practicing and you are still fat”… sheesh lady ! i am not planning to perform in nut cracker and yes i still have some squishy bits, but i am working…… i didn’t actually say these words to her because as i said she scares me.

while coming home dropped in the store to pickup some yogurt for post workout snack and can all the stores like chill out with the premature christmas and thanksgiving advertisemens and decorations and songs ? it’s not even halloween yet and this is serisouly messing up my internal clock and i had to literally think for a few seconds this evening if halloween passed already and i missed the date and i was like dreaming or something.

tomorrow the forecast is for rain. when you hear a gentle drumming outside and see that it’s another fall rainfall…  it’s perfect reading weather ! you know, curl up on a blanket in front of the fire place and have oodles of coffee and munching something sweet and stretch yourself lazily and read a perfect book…

bah, i have to be at work tomorrow !