french immersion

oh well, better late than never so happy new year. i really don’t like to wish happy new year because, well what the fuck do we know what this year is going to bring ?!  instead i think we should wish, i’m glad you survived another year or something similar. i tried to write something for the end of the year and then got busy and then i tried to write in the first week of january and things happened.

in spite of the bleakness of living during the times of pandemic, where the end to the “stay at home” is no where in sight, year 2020 is good to me. i have accomplished so many personal goals, learned a lot and i grew a lot.

to be honest, i don’t want to venture going out into the world anytime soon except to the grocery store, etc. not planning to take vaccine either as honestly i don’t think corona virus can have an effective vaccine as it is a single stranded rna virus which can mutate from person to person. not to mention once you are infected, it can hibernate & come back when your immunity is low. so i get massive panic attacks whenever i have to go food shopping.

my baby cuttings which i bought by selling a kidney and other vital organs, are thriving. i have become very philosophical in case they don’t make it and waited with bated breath, till they showed some activity as these little guys are very very slow growers. they are still not out of the woods, but showing significant signs that they are waking up; and happily resting on nice live sphagnum moss beds, in humidity chambers and on heat mats. oh, they only take bottled water.  i still have a few more unicorn plants i want to own, i need to wait for a bit to let my organs to grow back.

recently i have been watching a bunch of french shows in an effort to improve my french. i shamelessly admit that i understood nothing. it’s not the same way with reading french as i can read and probably write better in french. native french speakers don’t speak french the way i learned and so i have to watch these shows with english subtitles on as not having subtitles found myself yelling at the tv screen, “plus lentement” (more slowly – wanting them to speak slowly).  and when i understood a few phrases and sentences i was elated. i wish they also give french subtitles so i can read in french as well. here is a review of few shows.

i subscribed to a channel with lots of french shows (mhz). watching foreign language shows from various countries taught me a lot. like people are shit and behave the same way no matter where they hail from. parents do the same guilt trip on the children which i thought was unique to indian parents and boy was i wrong. most people think that other countries like sweden, norway don’t have crime and no poor people, with better national health insurance and to those people i would say go watch some of the tv shows from those countries.

i particularly got addicted to some french dramas and of course, murder mysteries. there is this one great drama show called spiral and alas, i found out that they are on the final season. another show to watch is “murder in……. ”, where the stories in the episodes are a bit weak, but as these episodes feature various awesome french countryside towns, sleepy, fishing little villages, and i think some bordering spain. i love the landscape and the tiny towns and i keep asking myself would i be bored if i live in these tiny villages. sometimes i want quit my job and move across the world and live in these little villages. (i originally wrote “the perfect murder” but that’s another french murder mystery which i have started to watch. also liked “magellan”).

and another drama show is “a french village”. i didn’t watch it a long time because it is about a village in france during german occupation and the politics, the life, the french resistance, etc. i am very much done with all these nazi stories because honestly it makes me depressed to realize that such evil exists in people. but i started watching because a couple of actors from “spiral” were in this show and i am really glad that i watched it. it made me realize how fortunate i am to live in relatively war free zone, with lots of hot chocolate to drink and with good food / water and don’t have to make hard decisions. and i learnt a lot about the nazi occupation, french resistance, communism, hated a character in one episode and i loved that character in another episode and even the nazi people because we tend to forget that they were people as well. i was a hot mess while watching this show and i kept forgetting that i live \in 2021 and not in 1940s. if you get a chance, you must watch it. also, i drew parallels to the show ’allo, ’allo which is in fact very light hearted britcom.

i started penning my dreams because i don’t usually dream a lot but when i do, it is the weirdest shit. freud said that dreams are about subconcious’ unresolved issues and i don’t think it’s true in my case, and so i think my subconscious is really fucking clever in making up these stories and if i could, i would ship a typewriter to it.

another storm is about to visit us and i’m preparing for it stocking up with the necessities. planning to grab a few meals from outback steak house, like some soups, and appetizers (blooming onions yumm) so i can ride out the snow/rain storm. also i have bought some bird see to feed the birds outside as it is cold and not sure if they get any food. for tonight’s dinner i’m thinking of oatmeal or french fries.

it’s the end of january…. we turn another page on winter and let minds wander towards spring… whoa, whoa, whoa… what am i saying ?  we still have february to get through and yea, there’s valentine’s day but all the chocolate in the world or me dancing to the rite of spring won’t make it spring till april. so let’s dream a few more months. listen to the birds sing songs and enjoy the sun… we know spring is around the corner all we have to do is wait.

action de grâce 2020

so autumn came speaking in the language of colors and i have been away for a while lost in the wonderful world of plants. and with the winter comes loss to make the way for new beginnings. the necessary seemingly never endless grey haze before you fall asleep. where dream and wake is knitted together with fine wool. to keep you warm. to keep you unsure.

days have been consumed with lots of good things, great things and sad things. but here i am, to report on my wee life.

it’s almost end of november, thanksgiving is around the corner and the smell of burning wood in fire places is in the air. mornings are wonderfully fog filled and what can i say, i’m content and blissful.

i’ve lost another kitty sadly and at the same time i ‘m happy to say he had a long and carefree life and he didn’t give any indication that anything was wrong at all. alas, this is the truth about animals as they mask their sickness.  i named this kitty after my human child. we carry little burdens in our hearts. a small funeral procession is carried out with every loss. a funeral that ignites on its own. a sadness that rises like the embers of winter firewood. a past self, the size of our fist. a heart swollen up inside our rib cage. a word so heavy it has no name. something so full that it feels empty. a hollow carcass that beats with our name. and a taste so fickle it fades before the feelings are swallowed. a smell so sublime, it vanishes before sleep arrives. a death so vivid, it blurs all the innocence left behind. a price so huge it takes all goodness to recover. and sooner or later these little flying flickers of daily routine, turn into huge weights over our shoulders. we look down and walk more humbly. we smile quietly and pick words with care. we say goodbyes with a delicate caress and hello with warm embrace. we live life all the time wondering what if ? and price of life that doesn’t exist.

couple of weeks prior to his passing, i took another kitty to the vet on an emergency visit. here i have to say that i really like my new vets even though they are super busy for my liking and it’s hard to get a regular appointment. i observed that snuggles was breathing funny and so off i took him to the vet. what i didn’t realize was that emergency appointment means the vet would take a look at him between the regularly scheduled appointments and so the kid was sitting by himself in an examination room while i was sitting outside in the car and i think he totally freaked out. and i finally got him home around 4:30 pm on a saturday and i returned to him to give him some food when i saw him flopping on the floor turning blue and trying to catch his breath. i called the vet and after realizing i was unable to help him and i am not going to bring him to a vet in that condition, i said a little prayer and waited on him to die. as he was trying to throw up, i opened his mouth and removed the sticky mucous from his mouth and throat and i think it helped him a bit as he was no longer blue but still lying on the floor. i kept stroking him a bit and read to him psalm 121.  after a few hours he seemed to recover but only the second episode started around 10 pm and i was pretty sure he would die. i mean, to see this kitty in so much pain and my inability to help, is too much for me. at one point i actually wanted to break his neck so as to give him a quick death but i didn’t have balls. so i secluded the kid in another room, in all honesty thinking that he will die, said another prayer, chanted psalm 121 and left him in the room. an hour later i went back to see if he died, and to my surprise the kid was sitting up and i bawled. i quickly gave him his medications and shoved some food into him as i thought if he died at least i did my best. i was up all night and went back every couple of hours to see how he was faring and also to feed him couple of mouthfuls of food. i left him some water, some food and also a litter box. and on sunday at around 8 am i went to give him his pills and also some food but when i opened the door, the kid dashed out of the room made a bee line to the litter box they usually use and had a good pee. he was a bit unsteady on his feet but he surprised me a lot. by sunday evening, he was behaving as if nothing happened while i was dozing in and out of sleep with an eye on him. my kids surprise me to bits. now a days i am bit worried that they are super comfortable with me being home a lot and so i think they may get separation anxiety when i go back to office.

speaking of office, i am thinking of asking my boss that i want to make my job work from home and i kinda hinted at it. i seriously have almost couple of hours of commute each way and as i have no intention of taking public transportation due to covid in any foreseeable future. i probably have to look for another job in case my job doesn’t become work from home deal.

as i reported previously, i have started gathering plants in an effort to duplicate my mother’s garden…  i have a few more plants to go to complete the list. i have other plants like orchids, as well and i am steadily collecting them. but most recently i started collecting rare (and thus expensive) plants and when i say plants, they are cuttings and seedlings. all these cutting and seedlings are costing me a lot of dollars to be honest and i have been eagerly waiting for tax refund so i can splurge on a rare plant cutting which is costing me an arm and half a leg ! i think i will also buy some more orchids to add to my orchid collection.  i have watering schedules for all my plants as i get exhausted watering them all in a day, and i have different day schedules for them.

so i can safely say my portfolio now involves some equity in goddamn expensive plants. and also as these plants are toxic to animals i have make shift terrariums and mini glass greenhouses.  i have joined rare plant groups and learning a lot on these projects. people are so knowledgeable and kind. the most expensive cutting which i purchased so far was $2500 and yes there are plants much more expensive than these…

i have been incredibly happy with my projects and how i’m diversifying my mental portfolio.

read a lot less books than i wanted to as now a days i have less time and also as i started to watch a lot more television episodes so i can polish my french and spanish languages. the important french phrase i learned was “je m’en bats les couilles” which literally means ‘i beat my nuts about it’ which is obviously a bit vulgar and so “i don’t give a flying fuck or no fucks given” would serve the same purpose.

we are heading into another lockdown / quarantine. i started to think of good days and social interactions as to food- for example the other day i said that the last good day before lockdown has last me for three weeks (mentally and emotionally) and the social reunion with my friends on thursday will last me another three i think. you know what i mean ? it’s like okay i had something very good that i can think of for the next few weeks and be happy. taking care of yourself is very important and i will go get my flu shot this week as i’m off work. i probably will cook an elaborate meal and stuff myself while watching some favorite shows. (i have been lazy and wasn’t cooking and have been living on nothing but coffee, brioche, cheetos and diet soda)

the choice is always ours. the pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. ~ william arthur ward

happy thanks giving !!