your face reminds me when i was old

i’ll write about the sounds of your heart and how i synced my heart to your rhythms… tonight the options are spread out before me, wondering if i should confess to you or just continue pretending that i won’t be aching for you and just stay silent staring deep into your eyes

i’ll write you in soft lines, and tell the world how my boy is so bright and smart with warm heart and pouty lips.. and how i wanted him since so many moons but was stopped by subtle fears and that he has someone else.

i want to talk to you about mysteries of old and of life, of me and that i’m not quite dull or stoney. i want to tell you that i’m not shy but that i want you to shine with your eyes so blue and so bright.

i want to tell you that i lost my youth along with the boy i loved with my all and all i have left are my eyes that are old in thousands of years.

i want to tell you that life happened and it happened a lot, and that we can share stories about spouses in each of our nests.

but lover, i got old and my life is at an end and i’m alone with no partner, dipping my toes in a lake full of memories and scribbling unfinished dreams in journal after journal.

then i found you, even before i noticed you, and my heart tells me you are mine, but i’m too old and wise to realize that it’s just a li’l dream of mine.

my story is ever so simple and wise, i just wove my heart into yours and threaded myself into your eyes and may be you’re my distraction or my lifeline.

maybe we don’t fit together right now but who knows, i may get to be your long-lost wife or a lover for a night or five.

i’m not sorry that i show you my eyes, and that i bare you my soul with inks so blue and fine and maybe you’ll give me a clue or two and maybe one day you will be mine.

 

Title credit: Telefon Tel Aviv

fragments

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tempest hair and i’ve new glasses and i can see clearly now and it’s a whole new non-blurry world and i don’t know what look i was going for but i look quite shady and devious…how cute do i look on a scale of 1 to “get those goddamn glasses off of your face” ?

the italian emailed me today as i agreed to have dinner with him and i gave all kinds of conditions and i actually told him that i’m pretentious and so good atmos is necessary.. haha

so this is his email:

“how are you today?  hope you’re having a good week.  i did a little research on restaurants in wayne, pa., particularly those friendly to vegetarians.  here is what i find.

1) autograph brasserie.  american/italian food.  looks like classy atmosphere.  reviews are very good.

2) anthony’s coal fired pizza: excellent pizza, sports bar atmosphere, family friendly, little loud.

3) margaret kuos:  asian/japanese food.  good reviews.  surprising amount of meat on menu.

i’ll mention there is also a bonefish grill in king of prussia (bit further for you) which is pretty good.  nice atmosphere.  and lastly, there is a place in wayne called “a taste of britain” (thinking you’ll like this), but it’s closed on sundays.  perhaps we can save this for our 2nd outing? 🙂  let me know what you think of the other choices.”

folks, this is how scientists write… haha i mean, he actually researched on good restaurants lol i swear i laughed so much when i read this email and he def. gets points for making an effort… god I hope he doesn’t fall in love with me… :/

just so you know anthony’s is out…i’m thinking kuo’s or autograph

today is a good day ‘cause i just spent over two hours screaming at my computer & at philly orchestra website, & something like a million error messages & four meltdowns later i’ve tickets and i’m going with really fucking wonderful and awesome friends and i’m seeing really good music live, so i’m happy, yes.

i had a brief chat with my boy, terry… yes i know, i know… i am trying to cut the cord with which i tethered myself to him. but it’s a bit hard, you know. one can’t just forget what a heart longs for just like that and as badly as i would want to get over him, laa dee daa, can’t and my heart leaps and dances when i see him… gosh, i love him so…  i should be shot ! when i see him, all my resolutions evaporate as quickly as fog evaporates when sun comes out…. anyway, i think me dating someone else may actually help me but i shall be careful and not make anyone fall for me and also the italian will be the first american boy i would be dating, so he should be proud.

oh, my chat with the boy with blue eyes… he is coming to my neighborhood tomorrow and i was royally ticked off with this management group because my neighborhood is really nice one and i don’t understand how corporate events can be organized in such places but whatever… he was like you live there don’t you and i said yes but i didn’t tell where exactly i live.. this place a bit away from my house and our neighborhood is quite tricky and its literally the other side of railway tracks kind of a deal but i live in a posher side of the tracks than where this banquet / corporate event place is… but i love my little town…  it’s not exactly idyllic but it’s not a city and i can run into city in 30 mins (given the traffic)..

if i were to be honest with myself, i actually want to leave my job and i was looking at the job offers in my inbox but i am like caught between rock and stone, because i gave my word to my boss. in the meanwhile i will continue to countdown the years and time does fly quickly… one year down, four to go.

i didn’t go out tonight (gym) because my kids all have sniffles and i have to be extra careful with a couple of them as they have health issues already and this weather is goddamn fickle and i am severely angry with the /weather. i just have to watch over them extra careful and feed them with my fingers because they can quickly deteriorate if they don’t eat and they don’t eat if they can’t smell..

well so the night begins with me drinking in my dreams, and trying to reach the stars which crumble with the touch of my fingers and i swallow their dust and breathe out golden words and they echo and scream and birth a new reality….

night night mes chatons !

 

a love letter

11/07/2017

dear boy,

i would have asked you if you saw the moon and how did it look on your side of the town ? as per usual, mine got hidden with clouds and fog and still the brilliance of the moon tried to cheer me up…

but today, i loved you. i loved you in a complicated and compromising and confusing way that made me uncomfortable and unapologetic. i loved you and i’m stupid, so stupid, stupid in the way i’d never able to keep my hands off of you given the circumstances, stupid in the way i’d spill the secrets i never knew i had, stupid in the way i’d cry every time i got too close to opening up and letting go, stupid in the way i’m  reckless and bold. but i love you. i am sure of that, no matter how many silences, awkward half-conversations, moments when we spit words like daggers and nights i soak the sheets with hot salt water tears.

i’m careless and consumed, you know.

you need not worry about things unnecessarily, you know, as i haven’t yet decided if i wanted to fuck you. as much as i am consumed by the thoughts of you touching me, i haven’t masturbated to the thoughts of you or touched myself screaming your name… so you see, you can relax and can be yourself.

maybe it’s a feeling. or a four-letter word. this love of mine. i am not sure.

you see, i keep on making up things in the dark so the monsters under my bed won’t devour me. i try to fill the void with the overused memories of you and like everything else, you will fade as well leaving only smeared red lipstick which turns black. i am not planning to dress up as yours.

i just talk to you in my writings. maybe because you’re one of the ghosts i am growing comfortable with. i don’t mind you haunting me if it’s the only way that i can remember that you existed. sometimes, i think i only imagined you in my mind. but then i see you. i’m too old to have imaginary friends but then again i only exist in my imagination.  somewhere, somehow my younger self refused to live in this reality which is unbearable and hellish and i retreated into another world. but you, you’re also some kind of hell.

i trace your shadow in places i haven’t been. i picture you sitting across me at a dinner table; lying next to me and having conversations… i guess you can never unlearn what you never knew. you are a bittersweet mystery that will always cling to my mind and your name will dance on my tongue. my words will always build themselves in a memorial of my love for you.

but if i were being honest here, broken is a word that describes me often. i just like writing you into hundreds of pages because, you and i, we’re more beautiful on paper. there’s magic in being a poison to each other. the happy ending is the space between us. i don’t think i’d get over you.

i just want you to know that i think every single time you read my words and feel you can connect to them in a sort of complicated way, every time you feel a tiny bit inspired by this to shake your own dust and be brave in facing the things you keep tucked in your pockets, each time you have something to say and are unsure of how to say it but will one day. in many ways i am just messy and confused as what i want and who i am but i promise you that sometimes i wake up, days like today, and it scares the hell out of me, makes me want to put all the covers over my head, but it also pushes me and drives me. i’m not one to admit when something is changing me and illuminating the path ahead with a spark and a twist of a fate i never even expected, but this project, this small attempt at filling loneliness up with words and chances to let go and hold on at all once, it is waking me up and letting me know that i can do this, i can do all of this, but i am sure, positive, that i couldn’t do this without you.

so with everything i’ve got and all the things i am still unsure how to give, thank you.

signed solemnly,

me

on the cusp….

11/2/2017

i can’t even explain it but like, damn, fall speaks to my soul on such an intimate, deep level. like it places it’s hands on my knees and looks deep into my soul and asks me personal questions… did you see the moon tonight ? it’s not full yet but on the verge of being one…. the feeling that resonates inside me when the weather turns crisp and the earth turns grey is so powerful and positive i can hardly contain it.

this day started awful… my cat boy minnu, is mama’s boy and when he is not out frolicking in the yard (he and his brother sonu jump the fence and go gallivanting), he sticks close to his mama and tries to help me and so if i open the clothes dryer door, he gets in there, and if i open refrigerator door, he jumps in there and one time, i opened the refrigerator door and he jumped in when my back was turned and i haven’t realized that and i coolly shut the door and then i could hear him meowing faintly and i thought he went out and i called and called and when he stopped answering i thought he jumped the fence and gone….after an hour or more, may be, for some reason i had to open the refrigerator and when i saw him, my heart just stopped and he was cold and i quickly tucked him under my shirt so my body can heat him up and my word, i would have died if anything had happened to him. and now i keep checking and double checking the refrigerator esp when i have to go out and i get panicky if i don’t see him before i walk out of the door…

so when i got home last night, he came down the steps to the garage bouncing and immediately jumped into my arms and helped me to put things away and when i opened the boot of my car, he jumped in it and stayed there and i took the shopping upstairs to put away and he followed me like the lamb he is and i completely forgot that i left the boot open and in itself it’s not bad at all, but i have the car lights on auto and so unless all the doors and boot are shut, the lights stay on…. you know where i am going with this right ?

so when i came bouncing down the stairs this morning, got into my lexus boy and inserted the key and turned and nothing !!!

i screamed but it was getting late so i trotted off to the train station, silently promising myself that i will punish minnu when i get home… and i arrived at the station sweating (it was warm today) and i had a thick sweater on and saw the train leaving as i was walking up to the station and i wanted to cry…

it’s getting harder for me to avoid the boy especially when i hear him a foot or two away and all my being keeps still and breathes in his every whisper and word and i almost cried for not seeing him. but i made it another day by the skin of my teeth…

withdrawal sets in when ?

there was a bit of hilarity about the muffin tops… someone at work took off the muffin top to eat and left the stem and brian came to me to report it and i educated him on this particular episode of seinfeld on the same topic… muffin tops and we had a good laugh.

brian wanted to find out why i haven’t shown up for the breakfast stuff this morning and i rolled my eyes….enough said ?!? i’ve stopped going to the social gathering of the office as they are immensely boring and i have nothing in common with anyone and they all talk about some stuff which doesn’t interest me and ugh… it’s a torture honestly as the boy will be there and he never talks to me (because we have nothing in common and i could wear an eagles jersey but i don’t care for eagles and fuck that ! i would never bleach my hair blonde to attract someone or flutter my eyelashes at someone or pretend to be someone i am not… even if he were terry, my blue eyed boy !)

and well… i probably went for one or two events and then i stopped… they recently had a halloween costume thingy and i didn’t go, not because i don’t wanna socialize but more like it’s pagan and i can’t get into that for religious reasons; but now everyone is like why aren’t you there and i am like ummm……..

i left early to come home to get aaa to jumpstart my car and it’s like an hour and a half wait and i changed my clothes for my ballet class and while waiting i danced around a bit….

i sat on the stoop (?) or threshold of my front door with a layer of sweat dancing on my skin and watched the sky turn from blue to a misty grey and orange, a sweet dank smell in the air and bit musty… i love this feeling. overcome with a calmness that starts in my fingertips and settles in my chest…. being thankful

the guy came and jumped my car and like everyone else who met my car(s) fell in love with it and i took his phone no. because he is going to do a bit of work on it and promised me he won’t charge me an arm and a leg and honestly, i would rather give him my car to work on it and then take it for a drive than to someone who don’t appreciate my cars… i mean, i am a classy woman and i own things which have class or i will go without it… never settle for knock-offs…

on my way back from ballet, the moon was bright (almost) it’s not full moon yet but it was beautiful and i was in tears because i miss terry… i’m thinking i need someone so i can fall apart in their arms and a chest to sob into…

for the blue-eyed boy with a backpack, i never once imagined i would accidentally meet you and that i would have something in my life as amazing (goddamn ! i’m hoping you are amazing) as you.

i want you to reveal your secrets. may be i will tap you on the tip of your nose with my fingers and let my warmth fade gently into your skin, mingle with your blood to reveal an inky scrawl of the marauder’s map, telling me exactly where i need to go to figure you out. help me to find you. i see you in the cusp of the trees, in the keys of a piano, in the soft curves of a flower… the strings of the violin, seems to leak your voice in whispers and i see you in the soft curtains in the glow of the morning sun… help me to know you… help me to figure you out and i want you to reveal me your secrets.

for the boy with the backpack, maybe i will keep making the same mistakes again and again; maybe i will keep making a handful of u-turns and maybe that’s just what life is about sometimes; taking chances on strangers and not worrying about getting lost along the way. i’m keeping my heart open.

bises !

ps: goddamn ! i need another boy to write about ! a boy who is single and available and completely compatible with me…

more ramblings….

10/23/2017

it seemed a couple of weeks ago fall is making it’s way by changing one leaf at a time and then today when i was driving in i saw there are so many fallen leaves in my yard and well, what happened ? i still haven’t taken my drive to look at the fall colors in their orgasmic splendor rolled out as tho someone painted them colors across the horizon with a big paint brush. autumn you are full of twists and turns and curls.. !

this morning it was foggy when i woke up and i was pretty happy to see that… hurriedly fed my kids and made myself a cup of coffee and immersed myself in a thick coat (jace’s coat.. for some reason i love wearing his t-shirts and clothes and i actually swim in them but i love the feeling) and went for a little walk around the block, sipping coffee and it was chilly and misty with fog but it’s fall and i am secure in the darkness and the dankness of it and it was totally worth it. did i tell you i hate days ? as in when the sun is up and no offense, monsieur sun. it’s nothing personal i just can’t face myself in the day time.

at work i ran into my boy in the elevator (i miscalculated his arrival time) and he goes how was your weekend and such a nice weather isn’t it and i said yes it’s fine. i mean, i really don’t want to talk to him. well i do but i don’t. i misread him so much and i have to slap myself silly to not hope and to just take his words as they were and by the end of the day i am totally black and blue with all the slapping i do to myself. if someone else says the same words i just think they were making conversation but when he says i feel as tho he is flirting… i wonder how the fairy tale ends… i mean i have this fate of romantic destiny within my hands reach and i would rearrange my whole universe to make him as my center and will bend over backwards to fit him into my life if he asked…

anyway, the saga with terry continues and i want him to be happy and if he is happy in his current relationship, so be it… i just need to hold my breath till i stabilize (or till he gets married) and then i can move on….  (i keep telling these things and repeating them like a mantra so i won’t feel too unfulfilled)

the chef at our cafeteria always makes time to talk to me and i asked him today what’s the big deal about the quarterback as in american football… in philly eagles are the football team and eagles are usually losers but this year they got a new kid called wentz and he is quarterback and the team seems to be winning nicely. the chef tried to explain something to me but after a couple of sentences i realized that he knows less than i know and i know nothing of american football but i always pick new england patriots to win the superbowl and hurray i win all the time. or he may be finding it hard to explain it to someone who knows nothing about football esp a girl…a girl of foreign origin. but he and i have a common interest which is our ice hockey team, flyers but they are also losers… but i love them anyway… lol

i got home and got a loud greeting from zz and he is now growling less, and exploring the house. his face looks a bit like an owl. fed kids and ran to the library to exchange my books and while i was passing the table, i saw a very familiar photo on the laptop of this guy and i was thinking, she looks familiar and then realized that it was my facebook page… i was thinking “excuse me, do i fucking know you ?” and i stared at this guy and he finally looked up and he shamelessly gave me a smile… well, i ask you ? what’s with the fascination with my life.. ? my life is not that great people. if i have a choice, i would rewrite it. my boy actually (he didn’t admit it) was on my facebook i was convinced as he let it slip that i curse too much and i was thinking i don’t do that at work and never to him. so i changed my facebook address but i felt bad that he may think i am locking him out and so i gave him my email address to subscribe to my tiny letter but he never emailed me so, it’s ok. i think… but he knows, me thinks, may be as a suspicion, but he knows that i have a crush on him but whatevs… he can have that.

went to gym and i had to call 911 to report some woman needing some help and got home and no in bed and unwinding about my day… yes, i have resumed putting in quality time at gym as my ballet teacher went with the most sweetest voice possible (she is a russian matron and she scares me) and with thick accent, “i know you had asthma attack but i see you are not practicing and you are still fat”… sheesh lady ! i am not planning to perform in nut cracker and yes i still have some squishy bits, but i am working…… i didn’t actually say these words to her because as i said she scares me.

while coming home dropped in the store to pickup some yogurt for post workout snack and can all the stores like chill out with the premature christmas and thanksgiving advertisemens and decorations and songs ? it’s not even halloween yet and this is serisouly messing up my internal clock and i had to literally think for a few seconds this evening if halloween passed already and i missed the date and i was like dreaming or something.

tomorrow the forecast is for rain. when you hear a gentle drumming outside and see that it’s another fall rainfall…  it’s perfect reading weather ! you know, curl up on a blanket in front of the fire place and have oodles of coffee and munching something sweet and stretch yourself lazily and read a perfect book…

bah, i have to be at work tomorrow !

a summation of my weekend

10/22/2017

i got a new cat yesterday (oct. 21). well he is not a “new” per se, but he is a stranger for us, so “new” ? his human told me that she can’t take care of him anymore and if i won’t take him she may have to put him down and so, i got a new kitty. his name is zach but as i detest human names for cats, i call him zz and he replies. he isn’t happy to be in a home of so many kids. my kids are ok with him as they know their mama has this habit of rescuing pets. but zz won’t have it. he was growling at my kids so everyone is giving him room to grow. everyone except my cat tickles…

my husband named only three cats in our household. tickles was our first child. when we got married, this is the first thing my husband did… looked in papers to find a little kitten for adoption. i mean, he couldn’t wait. i mean it was day two of my living with him and i am still unsure of sleeping next to him. my husband and i never lived together before marriage as i am against any kind of premarital things as i’m not only god fearing but also a feminist.  so when he found an advert for free kitten and off he dragged me to this place and the moment he saw her, he says “i’m naming her tickles” and we brought her home and deposited me and the little one at home and went off again to buy a camera, a video recorder and toys for her and i mean, he didn’t buy those for recording us (jace and me) but for his baby and tickles is the queen of the house and she growls when she hears someone coming to the door and when zz growled at her, she stomped her little foot and growled and hissed back at him to let him know that it’s her kingdom and she makes the rules and the boy zz calmed down and stopped growling. but for realz tho… i really hate people for this reason. you know, people who get pets and when the animals get older, they discard them. i mean, it’s your fucking responsibility… ? didn’t you realize when you got them in the first place that they are going to get older ? but well, i can’t let someone put down a cat or anything else just because…

i’ve been thinking a lot about symbolism lately. not something grand like trying to turn life into a metaphor, but tiny things…. simple things…. the pieces of life left behind in spite of being whipped and tossed and turned upside down by life… and finding in them still alive, the quiet strings of humanity. there are such things in my world that brings together so many other worlds. i suppose they are forgotten, futile belongings that aren’t rendered meaningful until they’re looked underneath a different light.

like the library i was in where i kissed the boy who meant everything to me… ever ! i don’t remember the aisle number or i don’t remember what shirt i was wearing but all i remember was the faint smell of his shower soap (he just came from playing tennis) but listen…lives interlace… strings are formed and they tangle and they knot. sometimes they fray and they break but there are always these details.

and then something jogs your memory. like this song.. what can be more beautiful than that ? i quite accidentally listened to this song at work the other day (i play music to concentrate on what i’m doing) and i almost screamed and stopped the song but it was too late and so i put it back on. this is one of those memories which incite pain and “what could i have been if julien were alive” and for the first time i listened to the lyrics, i mean i paid good attention to the lyrics.

this afternoon i was on my beautician’s table getting waxed and i had my headphones on. when you are naked from waist down to get a brazilian by a total stranger (she isn’t my regular person) you occupy yourselves with something i was listening (on repeat) to the song i just uploaded this morning.

this is a song, sung by florent pagny and written by the french demigod pascal obispo who i love and adore…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re8-plydcte

i will post the lyrics (english translation) after the post. but i remember when i first heard the song which was introduced to me by julien. i don’t talk much about him as i locked him up in my heart forever.  i was still in my late teens (god i am old) life was rosy then and he and i were students in united states (kansas) (he was french and interestingly i only dated french men) and we went to someone’s home to spend the afternoon. and there’s a grand piano in the living room and julien played this song while the sun fell quietly like a soft satin curtains and the windows were open with a tiny suggestion of a breeze. by the end of the song, he had tears in his eyes and i was never loved by anyone (including my parents) the way he did and i supposed i shouldn’t complain much because i was so loved by him and someone told me i can capture a moment by writing and i understand that i could create life if i pressed against paper gently enough and i believe that’s the god’s way. falling like a light…. butterflies courting each other, and falling in a pirouette and faint perfume of lavender blossoms and a train passing and the world a still life…  and me my eyes closed, a frame…

i was listening to the song with my eyes closed and getting waxed and my hands folded on my tummy and my chin turned slightly upwards to the light and my entire being was breathing and trying to recreate the moment.

i’ve been trying to write postcards but all of them end up blank. i memorized the address, you know. the one he gave me and i am stuck at the comma after his name and i’m overwhelmed and lost with all the things i want to tell the blue eyed boy t, but i can’t. i sit at my desk and remembering the moment i met him and was too scared to ask how the moonlight was like back in his little town. my desk has no drawers or compartments but filled with thousands of little secrets and he is one of them… he is a thousand of them. i’ve been thinking of symbolism today, of how i kept all the post it notes he gave me (with plane schedules for work) and i’ve fallen in love with the things men (two) left behind and small mementos of things that were once beautiful. i keep falling for things they leave behind . i keep falling for their details of the memories and collecting them and keep falling… i keep falling..

TONIGHT I’M PLANNING TO READ SHAKESPEARE BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING SEXY !

Savoir Aimer (lyrics in english) “Knowing how to love”

Knowing how to smile,
To a stranger that passes by,’
Without keeping any traces,
Except the pleasure,
Knowing how to love
Without anything in return,
Without regard for, nor big love
Not even the hope of being loved
Simply, knowing how to give,
Giving without expecting anything.
Doing nothing excepting learning,
Learning to love
Loving without expectations,
Loving,
Learning to smile,
Only for the deed,
Without expecting anything else ,
And learning to live
And then go.
Knowing how to wait and
Tasting that full happiness,
That’s given to you a little bit by chance,
So much so that it was unexpected.
Seeing oneself and believing in it
To lure the fear from the emptiness Anchored like wrinkles
which tarnish mirrors,
Knowing how to suffer
In silence, without a word,
Nor defence, nor armor
Suffering to the point of wanting to die
And getting up again,
Like ones rises from one’s ashes.
With so much love to resell
That one makes a complete
break with one’s past.
To dream for two,
Only by closing the eyes,
And knowing how to give,
Giving without any hurt,
Nor half measure,
Learning to rest,
Wanting until the end
Staying despite everything,
Learning to love,
And then leaving,
And then ….moving (on).

missouri

10/17/2017

i’m completely smitten and there’s no goddamn hope for me at all and i’m confused by all this and all i kept saying was how strange it is to be happy again (even it  only exists in my mind), and to laugh with someone completely (over a printer), to feel good because things are just as they are without even seeing it coming and it is all i can think about in the dark of the city, the quiet of an empty apartment, with heavy eyes and a full heart.

i had bonded laughing with him over a printer. we have a color printer which is situated in my cubicle and sometime people print into it and lately it has been acting up and we are not repairing it as all our company’s machines are getting upgraded to new ones. and also when he prints, somehow the settings go wacky and not print and i told him to send me the file in case he needed something printed, but he went and printed anyway and of course, the printer didn’t print and he started talking about the printer and i kept telling him that his laptop confuses my printer and on and on we were debating and then he is like “you didn’t have any problems while printing this” and i was like “no” and he is why don’t you show me… so i opened the file and was printing and he is like “i’m from missouri; do you know missouri” and while thinking why was he talking about missouri but answered yes because i went to school in kansas and he was like missouri is show me state and i laughed so hard and then of course the file got printed and he started making another excuse but it was so much fun to laugh with him and oh, i so wish he were single !

this evening when i walking to the train station, i realized that i’m exactly where i wanted to be in my life; like right now. i’ve found myself writing again, something which i’m excited about, a boy (even if in my head) who makes me happy for no reason in particular other than the fact that he’s around. confidence growing in me when i least expect it and i feel so blessed and thankful and i’m sure i sound like broken record, but goddamn, can this feeling just stick around for a while ? some people have paris, i’ve this moment by the printer !!

i

ask me how to break up with a boy without dating….  i fell into him in a complicated way, i was desperately trying not to love or hate, pressing my hot tears back into the eye lids… i keep dancing around this boy who probably cares for me as a person. i kept pushing him away while wanting him to declare his undying love for me. i keep spending time tapping my fingers against my knees, and shaping words telling him things i want him to know and cataloging them in my mind before racing home to scribble them into the computer

i wait patiently for the night to turn into day, when i get to see him and spend long nights penning anecdotes and feelings and emotions onto paper. i bitterly fight with myself over my feelings for this boy, sometimes even silently and i am building frustrations in my mind but never expressing them, just waiting for all my emotions to boil over and consume me and leave me dead. i said somethings i shouldn’t have, spending too much time gazing at blank spots, hoping somehow my wishes would come true and oh, all the weekends i sit alone, restless but unwilling to do anything but hold fast to the future.

spring came without warning, and i grew silent and let it shroud me like a ghost. i kept hoping that i get wrapped up in this boy, and that i would be kept up at night sby romantic conversations; conversations promising something that would leave me loved and change me.

i learned how to say goodbye to loved ones. i learned to stop feeling sorry for myself and am allowing life to capture me again, letting seasons to swallow me whole and spit me out. keep collecting memories and stacking them in old suitcases, remembering how to be reckless and remembering to keep my head down, and hearts full. i made some plans, allowing myself to be honest to myself and challenging myself to learn how to be brave. learning to grow closer to people who are important to me, i let my hair get short and remembering that i have a heart.

i prepared for a new start, settling in to the ruins, accepting the inevitability and consequences, conquering public transportation, and long line of city blocks, i had to accept some things, i was afraid to admit to myself, still afraid to say it out loud. i am writing and writing and writing, scribbling love letters on post-it-notes before folding them and refolding them into my pant pockets, un-mailing sentiments and confessions to the boy.

I keep hearing stories… some broke me, some built me. i keep gathering up people’s pieces and collecting their hopes and how waves of courage tug them on their edges.

i am in winter now and i’m thinking of curling up lazily in front of the fireplace and remember that home isn’t always about place, but also a family, even if it is made of cats and kittens. i see my friends break and i am unable to fix them. i am spending my nights wishing someone was here with me. i sit in closets. i keep my hands folded in my lap and i think of new plans for my future. i am preparing myself for what is next. i am learning tho i am broken, i am beautiful and understanding what taking a risk feels like and how to be brave. someone at work today said i am conquering in a different context, but i still have so much to conquer. i am giving the boy up to the universe as my friend said and am spending this night missing him, my eyes full of tears and my heart full of love, and i remain.

Midnight in Paris

10/11/2017

Midnight in Paris : I had the best night tonight since 2014; I spent this evening with my best friend who is visiting Philly and we both sat in our favorite haunt, Max Brenner (shout out to the baldman) and reminisced and caught up and loved every second of it. It’s my Midnight in Paris, part 2. Love her and enjoyed every minute hanging out with her.

Interestingly my short-lived love affair with jazz started one night after I watched Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris (with my friend). I always have romanticized the 1920s but the movie triggered a night’s worth of appreciation. I remember sitting on a chair near my window and listening to the sounds of Louie Armstrong while watching the night sky. That evening was so pleasurable that I made it a weekly habit that lasted about six months…

but sometimes you just find less time (and freedom) to enjoy nights alone, esp if you were not alone and at that time I had a husband who didn’t appreciate my music jazz or otherwise as he was into hard rock. so I slowly drifted off and finally I stopped listening to jazz.

Flash forward to the present, meeting and spending this night with my friend resurfaced memories of those times and the nights where I suppressed the habit of watching TV, or playing video games but rather indulged in jazz music. I am wondering if I should watch La La Land and if I would be seduced by Jazz for a second time. Although the film is set in modern times, this movie’s protagonist is a passionate jazz musician, played by Ryan gosling. And speaking of Ryan Gosling, my friend nick named my current crush (blued eyed kitty) as ryan gosling (for whatever reasons lol)

Imagine meeting this boy at “roaring twenties” theme party. The venue is stunning – crystal chandeliers, feather accents, and touches of art deco patterns on every surface. And he walks in and meanders through the crowd and asks you to dance, but you tell him you don’t know the steps; he says it doesn’t matter. You spend the rest of the night bonding over jazz, and spectacularly failed dance moves.

also as an update on my life, i have been trying to write some poems about my crush again, and so far, they are all ending with “we are two big idiots”. so i think it’s going REALLY WELL !!