action de grâce 2020

so autumn came speaking in the language of colors and i have been away for a while lost in the wonderful world of plants. and with the winter comes loss to make the way for new beginnings. the necessary seemingly never endless grey haze before you fall asleep. where dream and wake is knitted together with fine wool. to keep you warm. to keep you unsure.

days have been consumed with lots of good things, great things and sad things. but here i am, to report on my wee life.

it’s almost end of november, thanksgiving is around the corner and the smell of burning wood in fire places is in the air. mornings are wonderfully fog filled and what can i say, i’m content and blissful.

i’ve lost another kitty sadly and at the same time i ‘m happy to say he had a long and carefree life and he didn’t give any indication that anything was wrong at all. alas, this is the truth about animals as they mask their sickness.  i named this kitty after my human child. we carry little burdens in our hearts. a small funeral procession is carried out with every loss. a funeral that ignites on its own. a sadness that rises like the embers of winter firewood. a past self, the size of our fist. a heart swollen up inside our rib cage. a word so heavy it has no name. something so full that it feels empty. a hollow carcass that beats with our name. and a taste so fickle it fades before the feelings are swallowed. a smell so sublime, it vanishes before sleep arrives. a death so vivid, it blurs all the innocence left behind. a price so huge it takes all goodness to recover. and sooner or later these little flying flickers of daily routine, turn into huge weights over our shoulders. we look down and walk more humbly. we smile quietly and pick words with care. we say goodbyes with a delicate caress and hello with warm embrace. we live life all the time wondering what if ? and price of life that doesn’t exist.

couple of weeks prior to his passing, i took another kitty to the vet on an emergency visit. here i have to say that i really like my new vets even though they are super busy for my liking and it’s hard to get a regular appointment. i observed that snuggles was breathing funny and so off i took him to the vet. what i didn’t realize was that emergency appointment means the vet would take a look at him between the regularly scheduled appointments and so the kid was sitting by himself in an examination room while i was sitting outside in the car and i think he totally freaked out. and i finally got him home around 4:30 pm on a saturday and i returned to him to give him some food when i saw him flopping on the floor turning blue and trying to catch his breath. i called the vet and after realizing i was unable to help him and i am not going to bring him to a vet in that condition, i said a little prayer and waited on him to die. as he was trying to throw up, i opened his mouth and removed the sticky mucous from his mouth and throat and i think it helped him a bit as he was no longer blue but still lying on the floor. i kept stroking him a bit and read to him psalm 121.  after a few hours he seemed to recover but only the second episode started around 10 pm and i was pretty sure he would die. i mean, to see this kitty in so much pain and my inability to help, is too much for me. at one point i actually wanted to break his neck so as to give him a quick death but i didn’t have balls. so i secluded the kid in another room, in all honesty thinking that he will die, said another prayer, chanted psalm 121 and left him in the room. an hour later i went back to see if he died, and to my surprise the kid was sitting up and i bawled. i quickly gave him his medications and shoved some food into him as i thought if he died at least i did my best. i was up all night and went back every couple of hours to see how he was faring and also to feed him couple of mouthfuls of food. i left him some water, some food and also a litter box. and on sunday at around 8 am i went to give him his pills and also some food but when i opened the door, the kid dashed out of the room made a bee line to the litter box they usually use and had a good pee. he was a bit unsteady on his feet but he surprised me a lot. by sunday evening, he was behaving as if nothing happened while i was dozing in and out of sleep with an eye on him. my kids surprise me to bits. now a days i am bit worried that they are super comfortable with me being home a lot and so i think they may get separation anxiety when i go back to office.

speaking of office, i am thinking of asking my boss that i want to make my job work from home and i kinda hinted at it. i seriously have almost couple of hours of commute each way and as i have no intention of taking public transportation due to covid in any foreseeable future. i probably have to look for another job in case my job doesn’t become work from home deal.

as i reported previously, i have started gathering plants in an effort to duplicate my mother’s garden…  i have a few more plants to go to complete the list. i have other plants like orchids, as well and i am steadily collecting them. but most recently i started collecting rare (and thus expensive) plants and when i say plants, they are cuttings and seedlings. all these cutting and seedlings are costing me a lot of dollars to be honest and i have been eagerly waiting for tax refund so i can splurge on a rare plant cutting which is costing me an arm and half a leg ! i think i will also buy some more orchids to add to my orchid collection.  i have watering schedules for all my plants as i get exhausted watering them all in a day, and i have different day schedules for them.

so i can safely say my portfolio now involves some equity in goddamn expensive plants. and also as these plants are toxic to animals i have make shift terrariums and mini glass greenhouses.  i have joined rare plant groups and learning a lot on these projects. people are so knowledgeable and kind. the most expensive cutting which i purchased so far was $2500 and yes there are plants much more expensive than these…

i have been incredibly happy with my projects and how i’m diversifying my mental portfolio.

read a lot less books than i wanted to as now a days i have less time and also as i started to watch a lot more television episodes so i can polish my french and spanish languages. the important french phrase i learned was “je m’en bats les couilles” which literally means ‘i beat my nuts about it’ which is obviously a bit vulgar and so “i don’t give a flying fuck or no fucks given” would serve the same purpose.

we are heading into another lockdown / quarantine. i started to think of good days and social interactions as to food- for example the other day i said that the last good day before lockdown has last me for three weeks (mentally and emotionally) and the social reunion with my friends on thursday will last me another three i think. you know what i mean ? it’s like okay i had something very good that i can think of for the next few weeks and be happy. taking care of yourself is very important and i will go get my flu shot this week as i’m off work. i probably will cook an elaborate meal and stuff myself while watching some favorite shows. (i have been lazy and wasn’t cooking and have been living on nothing but coffee, brioche, cheetos and diet soda)

the choice is always ours. the pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. ~ william arthur ward

happy thanks giving !!

thanksgiving 2017


i did a lot of running around for a planned no-pants day. i should have been at home “working” with no-pants on but that wasn’t the case. last evening after i have left for the day, my boss and me got a message from a colleague reminding us to take care of something and boy, was i pissed to see that message… i was in the train half way home when i got the message and i felt like returning back to the office and slapping that person…but i replied politely saying that i will take care of it and as i couldn’t take care of it from home so i had to actually go into the office and i wasn’t pleased… it kind of disorganized my entire day which i carefully planned. but sometime best laid plans, etc. happens.

i went to a bjs (for people who don’t know, bj’s is a grand supermarket) to buy paper towels and toilet tissues. i use a lot of them on account of my kids and i go thru a lot of toilet tissue as i quickly figured out the dinky little face tissues are useless (and expensive) and so at home, i usually use the toilet tissue for my perpetual runny nose needs and for that reason i buy the softest possible tissues and i figured if they are good for my bum, they should be good for my nose as well… while i was looking around and price checking, this father with two young kids came by and he was teaching the oldest one (daughter) the knack of shopping… (for a moment, i got pissed that he is already training the girl to conform to societal norms like shopping and cooking and household stuff, but i calmed as she needs to learn these things and be independent anyway); and he was explaining why he is buying what he was buying and i met them down some other aisle where i was browsing and obviously, i was slightly interested in their saga… and he is shopping for the toilet tissue and guys, idk what this whole equations you see on the toilet rolls for eg:  8 mega rolls = 32 regular rolls and idk if i were correct in my understanding of toilet tissue equation ie they are talking about number of plies per roll.. and that the number of plies in a roll dictates the softness and the standard (regular) roll usually is 2-ply… for the reasons i mentioned above, i pick up the three or four ply because my bum (and my nose) deserves the softest tissue…

so this father’s explanation to the girl why he was picking up a $32 package of tissue (may be 12 or 16 rolls) because they can go farther… and i think he was so wrong in his calculation and correct me if i’m wrong…….. i don’t think just because it is softer than one ply or two plies, you don’t tear just one or two squares of tissue to wipe your bum.  and if one is counting number of squares and using only two squares, hmmmm, then we have a problem and in my opinion, keeping your naughty bits clean is vital, both in health and sex context (haha, fun fact – i actually wrote a guide to doggy style as my husband dared me); while this lesson was going on, the boy, obviously younger, checked with his father to make sure that this is the right tissue to use when he has diarrhea !

i finished my planned shopping and today my kitty boy felix actually got up and ate his scheduled meals which made me tear up slightly. this is the most happiest moment for a parent to witness – having a sick child recover and resume life. i still have another child who is under the weather, but nevertheless, small blessings, eh ?

i picked up some fruits for my crêpes and some persimmon and honeydew melon. now, persimmon is my favorite fruit and i especially love hachiya and alas, the ones i picked are fuyu, and i don’t find hachiya often and when i got home i immediately cut one and ate a piece and that one was still unripe and so my mouth felt puckery and blah as raw and unripe persimmons have tannins… i now patiently wait for my fruit to ripe.

i am set for the long weekend and the invitations and pressure to come and join x, y, and z people kept piling up and kept saying no… even my boss wanted me to come and join her family as she thought i would sit at home alone and depressed. i almost wept with joy for her thoughtfulness, but i declined the invite. well, i do wish i have another person to share my holiday but i am content. i have learned to pick myself up every time life knocked me down and i admit, falling in love with terry set me off-balance, but i will stabilize soon.

i have been analyzing myself lately and these are some of the points which leapt out….

it’s easy to put pressure on myself, to think that what i’m currently doing is somehow not enough when in reality its perfectly fine, and even wonderful sometimes; i have this list of things which i am doing, responsibilities i have undertaken at church or with friends, and have equations of sorts of what i am putting in and taking out. there are still outstanding matters on my list and they were there far too long, and but i breathe in and i breath out and i am holding myself together and stapled my innards so i won’t spill myself over and but still, at the end of it all, i feel like a deadweight and i sink into my pillow. there are many things i need to complete; this is not to say that i am not at my best; i am at my best it’s just that my source or power, happiness is dependent on me being able to breathe and i haven’t had enough time to breathe in lately.

i am a mess of post-its, loose papers, chaotic thoughts, things written down on scraps of paper, on my wrists; i sit in the shower thinking about things, and forgetting about things; i find myself in a strange place, neither here nor there, neither winter nor spring; an inbetween space between sighs and behind closed eyelids; my life, it seems is a brief pause, a comma and everything’s up in the air these days and i’m impatient and i feel like pushing the fast forward button.

when i sit and think about what is important to me, my well-being seems to the least important bit on the list; there’s work, my future, my relationships, my past, missing people, hurting for people, my mental well-being, my dancing, my health, my little body-mind kind of lounging off of on the couch; i’ve spent the past few months either utterly blissful or facedown in my pillow completely depleted off energy; it’s difficult for me to admit my own weaknesses or that i am not okay, but may be that the case; i am very much not okay and maybe i just need to let myself rest and take time for self-care and really get to the bottom of this asthma which is weighing me down.

i let the sun heal me, soothe me and my badass playlist keeps my heart beating, but i still feel like i am just surviving, barely scraping by enough, keeping my short-term-self happy by checking out books from the library and i just want to take a highlighter and underline all the things i read and i feel like melting all the poems and injecting them straight into my brain. may be i am bit of a mess, and may be in a strange way i enjoy it at times, but what’s taken me a very long time to realize is that this is not the me that i am when i’m my best. but this is okay as it always circles around and you start at the beginning again. fresh starts.

in any event, i am grateful for many things in my life and grateful to god, to my cats, to my parents, to my lovers julien & jace, and why not, to terry, to my mentors and friends, to my books, to ballet and to musique.

joyeuse action de grâces à tous !