Et Bonne Année 2022

I have been meaning to post this blog since 2021 but then got distracted, side tracked and also not to mention it’s so hard to type with a broken keyboard.  I have now 5 laptops with broken keyboards and this is because of my cats who jump on them or deliberately walk on them with no regard to someone else’s personal property.  I so love them all the same.  Anyhoo, here I’m typing on my mobile phone.

Terrible years really make you understand the point of a new year. I don’t think nothing much will have changed between December 31 and January 1.  But there is a need to partition off everything that’s happened to us, and take a moment to say ‘that’s done, I’m done with it, it’s over’ and have a little hope that the future will be different. Take a little breath and sing, in the middle of the winter and prepare for spring. 

Personal update: we are still in Pandemic but I’ve never been happier. Mind you, in 2021 April-May time I lost a lot of my cousins to Covid and it was brutal. But as I believe in God (Christ) vehemently, He took this and helped me to become stronger and bolder. I’ve had gloom surrounding me since my husband’s death in 2014, so this came as a relief. I have to thank God and as we reflect 2020 and 2021, we must look at the ways God has been with us and blessed us.  As those years wound down and we look to the new year, and recount God’s wonderful deeds. 

Currently I’m broke financially speaking, what with my cats’ medical needs and and my expensive plant collection and other investments.  But I’m thinking, hopefully by the end of this year I should stabilize i.e. if I don’t go and buy more unicorn plants (I may have to sell my kidneys !!)

I’ve been watching a lot of shows, documentaries, as you all as well I’m sure, most of them are in French, German or Swedish. I recently watched Apple Tree Yard (British) and The Wall (German) and man, I was traumatized!! I was physically sick after watching them and this maybe because I wasn’t expecting the story to twist that way or whatever, and so it felt like someone punched me in my gut. I had to break off of watching the shows for a week or so and get well & went back to finish watching them.  

Sadly the very lovely boy Gaspard Ulliel, French actor, passed away and my heart ached a lot !! 

And keeping in with the same subject of films snd TV programs, and actors, a Swedish actor Mikael Persbrandt took my breath away. There are many beautiful people but this guy is stunning. Like you serious would fall for him immediately. In general, I don’t like blonde men, or very pale skinned, or high cheekboned, etc but though he has all those, he is someone from my fantasies. Maybe he just has that fantastic combination of seductive smile, bad boy swagger and good looks !! Too bad he has a girlfriend  or a wife !! lol 

The show “the Expanse” came to an abrupt end and I scratched my head !! I’m like What the F ?! I must say that’s one perfect show where the story, the actors and the scenes just mesh !! I vented to my colleague at work as he and I share this love for sci-fi stuff and also stargazing !! We decided we may have to buy the books and read the ending. 

I’m immensely pleased that my patriots have a good future as Mac Jones joined the team !! As I predicted Buccaneers are out which makes me happy as I consider Tom Brady a traitor for leaving the team !! At this point I don’t care who wins but I think I’m rooting for Bills or San Fran 49ers.  

Warriors are doing very well and hopefully they continue to do well and not be out with injuries and they need to get the NBA championship so yours truly can smile her most seductive smile !! 
Also, honestly sometimes it’s annoying when one speaks two or three languages (like me) and when you type fast you hit that globe button accidentally and you type something which is nonsensical and you realize that after sending it !! 

Winter is full on and though not snowing that much, it’s bitterly cold. I wake up on these mornings, watching blades of sun light on my indoor plants, sipping orange juice  while I wait for the bread to pop out of the toaster and coffee to brew. I read somewhere a while ago that we waste most of our time while waiting, in expectation, in not-doing something. Like at a checkout line or at a traffic stop. I have my buttered toast and sunlight; kitties & me in my warm flannel nightie, look out of the French doors (windows ??) with content and in silence watching the birds fly in to eat their breakfast. The rats also come to eat the bird seed I put out for the birds and I swear they plumped up !!  I haven’t figured out how to leave water to these creatures as the water keeps freezing. For now I’ll cherish all these memories lest they fade.

“Le silence est le lieu privilégié de l’émotion. Avant de parler, pendant les quelques secondes où on réfléchit à ce qu’on va dire, c’est peut-être là qu’on montre une partie de son âme. 
Silence is the privileged place of emotion. Before speaking, during the few seconds when we think about what we are going to say, it is perhaps there that we show a part of our soul.” – Gaspard Ulliel, French actor (1984 – 2022)

perchance to dream

this week threw me in for a loop and it was all heartachy. i have to let go of another one of my babies and it broke my heart all over again. i became less selfish and learned to let go of them, but goddamnit, the void is immense and i feel like i can’t breathe. and the feeling is worse when my babies die suddenly with no illness symptoms.

anyway, the week was rough. i also had my health check-up and i passed all the numbers but my cholestorl number went beyond optimum and came goddamn close to 220. i think that is ok for now considering the high levels of stress and anxiety i was going though or may be me not going to gym #sidelook. but will sure to get it retested in a couple of months to make sure i’m not slacking off with my health.

in the meantime, my doc keeps pushing me to get therapy because after a long time, i told her what happened to me. i find it easier to write as i remove myself from this and write as a third party. but i know she is right as i have seriously been thinking about getting married as well; after my husband’s death i didn’t think of marriage or even relationship as even before his passing, life kept knocking me down, and i kept getting up only to get knocked down. honestly i didn’t have any strength left to care for someone else and also tbh it wasn’t easy to keep going. and the doctor keep pushing me to see someone to get therapy for reasons, as i have successfully detached myself from anything which would cause me pain or anxiety which includes any commitments to either people or things or places.

so i decided i should write down my feelings so you and i can read it, so i can face them, acknowledge them, confront them and analyse them as clearly, currently i am not. it’s been about 6 years since my husband’s death and i still don’t know how to process my own feelings. i am trained scientist, so i clinically diagnosed myself, separated them out and precipitated them in a dark corner. i can write about them, from an observer’s perspective. i’m able to offer myself a mirrored pool of thought, but i can’t feel them. i swallowed all of my feelings and survive on them. there have been days, weeks, when i refused to eat,unable stomach food because of the large stone of emotion i carry in my stomach.

but as i am thinking of letting someone into my life, and wanting to commit to a marriage, i want nothing more than to know this person, aka me, again. i hate myself for carrying this anger at myself, guilt and sadness. i can see clearly the sunny place beyond the gloom and darkness and i wish to be there, free. but i know i have to face this darkness, and go through it again, and expel the stormy clouds but i don’t know how. sometimes, i wonder if it is justified. is it ? i want to walk through life gushing with love for humans. i hate myself for having this darkness in my heart. i have contemplated ending my life more than once. i want to be in control of my entire existence.

i think it is only fair for this man, whoever it may be, who wants to be my other half. and i have to let him come closer to me and let him to get to know me.

personally i think the hardest part about getting to know me isn’t just his insecurities, or fears, or hesitations. it’s mine. in effect he will be fighting a war in my head and my heart that’s derived from every person’s let down that’s comes before him. . so now here you are fitting no mold, you were never like anyone else, and you’re trying to break through a cast that seems to be  miles deep while bearing your own cast of steel. it’s heavy and it’s hard but every once in a while you get this glimpse of what’s behind the wall and you know it’ll all be worth it. and you know that even if you’re not the one who takes the last piece of that wall down, you’ll have helped heal what’s behind it in hopes that someone more deserving than you gets to see what i’ve gone to the depths of hell protecting. i’m often lost in doubt  my actual aspirations are too ambitious; yet my self-doubt even more determined, hence i stick myself in the same day after day, year after year instead of chasing a lighting that is a pledge of a fire that’ll consume me.

i am hoping that someone (even if slightly) pick up on the hints of my misery mirroring hamlet’s misery (in his soliloquy), smile as i do when you hear “perchance to dream” or pick your own strings of words, and doubt the cowardice he blames on conscience.

the funny thing about healing is that it comes from within our own, singular minds. we may think we need other people to save us, but i know now that’s all just smoke and mirrors. we believe what we feel to be true. but truth has no interest in making us feel whole. truth takes us and breaks us, fragments our hearts, destructs the careful realities we have constructed in our minds to make us happy. your thoughts can save you but your thoughts can also kill you. truth and belief are no friend of each other when we’re talking about peace (piece) of mind. believe what you can while you can, because here i’m again, lying in bed, and i haven’t felt safe in years when i am with humans.

we don’t need other people to make us feel whole, but we believe that we need other people to make us feel whole. and that’s the human difference.

all that jazz….

i feel like november whizzed by with barely a bat of an eyelid this year. time seems to be passing in very strange ways for me at the moment; the days dragging out and weeks feeling impossibly long, i spend the majority of my time trying to distract away from reality / pass time as quickly as possible (to little / no avail at the moment) but the months ? the months are flying by ! like how in the name of fuck is it december already ?!?

my drives to work (or anywhere else tbh) got really spectacular…classical which makes me feel as though i were flowing, and autumn / winter is magical time of the year as the air is crisp and clean. as i mentioned before i started driving to work every day and after experimenting with various radio stations to distract me from the people on the road, i finally hit wrti 90.1 (classical and jazz) and wow my drives got so much emotional and sublime ! almost all my drive time i’m usually tearing up as this music is coursing through me, filling me up with this sweet music.  mornings they play classical and during evenings they play jazz (after 5ish). i have missed both so much ! i used to regularly attend symphonies at kimmel and went on dates with my husband to jazz bars especially zanzibar blue in philly and god i miss dressing up chic and swinging to the blues !

i love classical and jazz because they are so chilling, they give me the sense of relaxation. so when i am driving back from work, with sun already set and driving through the dark and windy roads, jazz transports me to those cool air-conditioned, dimly lit, luxurious bar, (smoke filled i imagine myself) i can just feel the cold air surrounding me whenever i listen to these jazz and blues music.  you can just feel the vibes and you could just feel how much you wanna start singing out loud and as i don’t know the lyrics i just go humming., i know i am not completely able to convey my feelings when i listen to jazz and classical, but what i can surely say is that these both music genres are relaxing as a great fuck !

this evening i was moved by these two particularly – listen to these and you will thank me.

yo-yo ma havanaise op 3 saint saens (the swan).

mark whitfield – harlem nocturne

on thanksgiving eve, i went shopping gathering the needful stuff so i don’t have to run around on thanksgiving day and friday.  while driving, i have been listening to wrti and driving around from shop to shop like a little bee buzzing about and i was driving home when they started playing the requests and someone requested dvorak string quartet no. 12 in f major lento “american” by hagen quartett ( and the timing was perfect… the breeze started picking up and it was becoming windy and all the autumn colored fall (fallen) leaves were beckoned by this gentle wind and they started dancing in a swirl of golden memories and it was the loveliest sight of all ! lads let me tell you, i was moved so much at this sight and as this music started bathing me with emotions and found myself crying helplessly… string instruments like violins have a knack to evoke melancholia ?

i chuckled to myself when i saw american boy as he walked into the kitchen at work while i was busy going through my brewing coffee ritual. he and i are like twinsies as we often wear same colored shirts / tops : case in point, i wore a black shirt today & he waltzed in wearing black. whenever i see american boy, i’m reminded that love is such a losing game.

a lot happened since my last blog and so a few updates: october ran away taking the rest of the leaves. the day before halloween i came home to find a kiddie drawing on my front porch. it brought me so much joy and it was done by scott’s (my neighbor) daughter. her name is kinsley (at first i thought her name was kinthia). she is 7 years old and one day i had a brief convo when i let out my twin boy cats for some sun and fresh air out in our backyard and she was playing with their dog. though i don’t do halloween, i bought her some candies as this little gesture of hers gave me such pure pleasure.

patriots have lost another game sadly, but i’m ok as i’m pretty sure they will win the superbowl ! warriors, my fav basket ball team, have many baby warriors, and steph curry, and others are injured and needless to say, we won’t be making it to the playoffs… i’m fine with that as well and whenever the baby warriors are playing, i keep muttering to myself “i’m groot”

i’ve been limping a bit lately as i’ve a pinched sciatic nerve. not sure how it happened. i had a massage the previous day from another masseuse as my regular one was on vacation. and that same night, during sex, i got all twisted up and semi fell on to the floor (not much distance to fall as i only have a mattress and no bedframe) but the point is i have ended up in a weird angle and we continued to have sex which i later regretted as i ended up with some bruises and pains and this may have also twisted my hips  well serves me right !

thanksgiving was grand as i caught up with lots of shows and ate a lot.. slept a lot  ! boy went to visit his grandparents (he wanted me to go and i’m not ready yet. more of the point is will i ever be ?!?)

i have also bought astronomy binoculars a step towards buying a bad-ass telescope as i so badly want to look at the moons of jupitar and the rings of saturn ! speaking of planets, there’s a great semi-documentary on netflix called “mars”. and yours truly also bought solar binoculars to look at some sun spots and solar flares…  i will take a trip soon to cherry springs state park to have a star gazing picnic with the boy and i am going to join an amateur astronomers club…

i am planning to have some cozy long winter drives, day dreams and night theories… where in those long, midnight drives, somewhere in those letters of i love you’s i never said, in the creases of my month-old sheets and in the calls i never made, somewhere between the daybreak and quiet sunday mornings, between the lamp posts in the streets, between tonight and the first night i knew you, between the sounds of hellos, and the sound of my heart breaking – somewhere out there, darling, is a place where i’m still holding you in my arms.


hello fall !

i feel that my ordering online (kitty food, makeup, groceries) is out of control as they come in boxes and our recycling (and trash) is on monday morning, and god help me, as it also rains the same time without failing, and i don’t like to leave the boxes out for the recycling collectors because they will get wet and turn mushy. so my downstairs is now full of boxes and we (my kitties and i) are hopping over them like they are obstacle course and i thought of cleaning up the downstairs and collapse the boxes so i can stack them up, but the lazy side of me proclaimed fuck it, we die like men !

i write “my husband” on here all the damn time like it’s nothing, but the minute i say that phrase aloud to another human being i feel as if i’ve aged fifty years. i’ve yet to say “my boyfriend” to another human being or even write it as i’m still not sure about that relationship and what am i, ten year old, and i feel silly and also, i don’t want to be in a relationship. the boy assures me that we don’t “have to be” in a relationship; but he always talks about marriage and yes dudes & dudettes, i want to get married (and not sin) to him but he is an atheist (also a meat-eater), and i don’t like to force people to convert or go to church just because of me. god knows we have enough of those who fill the pews at our churches… is this a test ? can i just stop being horny all the time and not think of sex for a couple of hours so i can become a nun and not deal with “i should marry this boy because i’m fucking him”. i can honestly say my brain thinks only three thinks on repeat; cats, sex, food and inserts other functions in between.

the past few days have been about reading and learning about diversifying my portfolio and researching on investing opportunities. i have learned so much and it actually makes me enjoy the process so thoroughly. i have also been working on my asthma aka getting off steroids; to this end, i have bought things to help me with breathing exercises. for the first time after all these years, i am hopeful that i will kick off asthma and be rid of the steroids. the boy and i giggle a lot when my face looks bloated on steroids, he says i look like a squirrel with nuts stuffed ! lol bastard !

i performed a procedure on my kitty boy, winter, last weekend. a couple of weeks ago, i have seen him limping around and is shying away from putting any weight on one of his front paws and i thought may be he sprained his leg or had a fracture when he was doing his victory lap around the first floor after he pooped (cats do that all the time) – so i gently checked his legs to see if he would squeal in pain but i got no reaction and i thought it might have been a sprain and so i gave him a couple of days to recover and if he was still limping then i would take him to the vet and in the meantime, i also got him started on antibiotics. but soon after winter stopped limping and i went about my business. but last weekend, i saw that one of his paws was puffier than the other. i was just about to go out to attend a real estate investors meeting, but of course, my kids are a priority for me, so i dropped everything and i grabbed him and checked his front paws and i found the problem. his claws have grown into the toe beans and like dug into the soft pads and it happened on both of the front legs. i called my vet to bring him but it being a sunday, the clinic was only for emergencies and usually she would make allowances for my kids, but she had an emergency and so i decided i would do the procedure (removing the ingrown claws) myself instead of waiting till monday; after all, i have dissected the fruit-fly brains and yep, winter was not pleased as one of the paws (the one he was not putting his weight on) had begun to get infected, but surgery i did and he almost bit me and was pissed with me for about two days. i got back into his graces by giving him catnip and other treats and i wanted to check his paw as he wouldn’t let me clean it with antibiotic cleanser after the procedure, and he was like “no, thank you !” but he was a good boi and he took his antibiotics when i gave him and he forgave his mama !

oh good news, we recently acquired another company and my boss tells me they do provide medications for pets and i am thrilled as it would be a bit less expensive (as we would get it for three month supply). also, i am planning to go to patriots v eagles game when patriots visit philadelphia and i want to have the seats as close to the patriots bench as possible, but alas, the tickets are currently at $900 + and i’m waiting for the ticket price to go down a bit but i may have to buy it almost at that price and unfortunately that would mean that yours truly will be going all by her lonesome self as the boy won’t buy his ticket at that price and that’s ok by me because i’m an adult and i can sit and shout all by myself. the american boy suggested that if i go to the stadium, i may be called names (as i am patriots fan) and i slightly enjoyed his concern (?) but fuck it, i am not missing out on this opportunity because eagles fans are a bunch of balls-less bullies. but i will be sporting pepper spray just in case !

ever since my husband’s death, i have learnt to grab life by it’s balls, and enjoy every minute of it.  life is not the same for everyone, we have to find moments to make it worth living. sometime its just a smile, an innocent face, a moment from past. we see many people everyday with tired faces, tired of their current situations though they have everything in life. i don’t understand why they complain so much in spite having everything ! my mother used to say, it’s very important to be content with what you have ! otherwise you will always be unhappy ! i’m glad to say that in spite of everything, and all the sadness i have to trudge through i remember to cherish the things which i have and love to live ! the most beautiful thing i see when i drive through the impoverished areas of my city is to  see the smile on the faces of the poor children. they have no achievement, no money, nothing to cherish at all yet they have a beautiful smile on their face, not like the fake smiles i see being put on everyday…

my lover tells me that it’s okay to be emotional and soft, but there’s a time and a place for everything. sometimes you need to be stern, sometimes you need to be a pillar when everyone around you starts crumbling down— people that you love will need someone to hold on to when things get rough. be that person for them. kindness goes a long way, he tells me. my wild spirited flower is growing down the right side of his heart— he has the lightest beauty marks on the right side of his neck. you would have loved to meet him

to live an enchanted life, simply fall in love with the nature around you. idk how to describe it exactly but i really love how hearty fall is. like it’s all refreshing weather, strong earthy smells, sturdy boots and thick knit sweaters, bold colors and warm, filling meals like soup and mash potatoes and oatmeal with golden syrup on top. it’s the comfort season.

i think i am on verge of something wonderful !



for you a thousand times over…

december 12, 2018

my relationship with american boy is in full swing i.e., in my dreams. i have been dreaming a series of episodes since my last post, in fact, the very night i posted, i had dreamt of him and being in relationship with him. when i woke up the next day, i smiled and giggled out loud at the absurdity, but that day, i actually was deliriously happy; like a high you get when you take drugs. but as it happens with drugs, i eventually crashed down to reality. it made me a bit sad but i wasn’t sure what i should do. but then, again, i had another dream and i picked it up from where my first dream left off and continued on. so in summary, i now have a fullfledged relationship with him and we have two girls and one or two boys in our very “normal” family where i was wearing indian dresses and acting like a “girl”. the second time it happened, i was like “ew brain, it’s fucked up and let’s not do that again”, but my brain continued to dream. so now i am on fifth of episode of my “relationship” and i can’t wait to find out what happens in season finale. i had considered a relationship with him but in spite of my deep feelings for him and my friends encouraging me to “get him” i am not sure if we are a good match and i suspect i may end up dumping him in a few days. our differences, to name a few, are very apparent. i am family oriented, and my kids are my priority and i think, he loves parties and travels and while i do love traveling, one sniffle from my kids, i would drop everything and stay back. our travel destinations will be quite different as well. i would probably end up in the amazonian jungles and climbing through incan and mayan ruins, and traversing through egyptian pyramids, cursing at every step of the way and gasping for air and hating the insects, heat and humidity, but i know i would love that experience and i would be the first person to buy a ticket to moon or mars, and i will have a full blown anxiety attack during my trip to moon but i will sit there eating restoril pills to calm the fuck down.  but for now, these dreams of mine are a nice distraction, as i halted my love life for now unable to fully commit to sandalwood. and i am thoroughly enjoying these dreams of mine, while being careful not to bleed my dreams into reality and shock the fuck out of the american boy by saying something totally inappropriate for the work environment. i guess spending time with him would be like…

to see a world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour.
~ william blake

hello there december ! the month of snow, lights and feasts and warmth ! december arrived with warmth but then turned gloomy, blue and transparent. it was icy cold, and my asthma was exasperated. all i want to do is rest and rest and jut sit about doing nothing but read and relax.  after going through a lot of misery, got myself an asthma specialist and he started testing me for allergies and lo and behold, i am allergic to all the 48 allergens in his panel. those ranged from cats (yes), dogs, rabbits, pheasants, dust, pollen, grass, egg shells and some other stuff…. interesting, i thought, that i am still alive ! well, as long as i don’t develop allergy to oxygen i should be good i am thinking. who knows, it’s too soon to speculate as i have a few more years left in me.

for you a thousand times over…. i started rereading “the kite runner” as i am missing my home town. but i was traumatized the first time i read it. i completely immerse myself in the books i read and i almost become a part of that book. so i remember vividly when i read that book, i was lying on my belly on my bed, with pillow tucked under my boobs and the book spread on the mattress, my hands under my chin, smiling into the book, and roaming the afghan hills and streets with these two friends, eating imaginary dried mulberries, flying imaginary kites and reliving my halcyon days when i did that as a child – especially flying kites in tournament. the preparation which went into the kite strings. we collected glass shards and cacti for glue and made a pulp of ground glass and cacti and applying it on the string, so it’s sharp and we can cut the other kids’ kites. and so i was reading on, frowning at the bullies and all of a sudden i felt as though someone punched me hard in my stomach, making me totally breathless, when i read that the boy got raped. i was stunned, and tears welled up uncontrollably and i sobbed into my pillow as though i lost someone i loved. i closed the book and walked away and didn’t resume reading it for about a few weeks.

and at another time, i was watching this really passive movie. there was no particular storyline and it might as well be a regular life event. i remember, i was lying across my bed, with my legs resting against the wall and it was a sunday, and it was raining and i just did some stretching exercises on my bed and i had no particular interest in the movie, and the movie was just pleasant with no excitement – oh it’s called “a japanese story”, an australian film, and i was actually mildly enjoying it; like one would while going through some farmland in a car, not stopping, but just enjoying the scenery. and then, fuck ! the boy in the movie dies just like that and i was totally stunned and it left a bad taste in my mouth. i didn’t cry but i was just stunned. it brought out nightmares and the ghosts of my life. same deal with the movie “the bridge to terabithia”.

i mean these are also memories i suppose which i wouldn’t forget in a hurry but i am sure i can live without them.

wordless wednesdays…  it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. no matter how much sleep i get, i can’t seem to wake up in the morning, and my heart’s weird lately, & all of my bones crack whenever i move… so being the intelligent person that i’m, i’ve decided i’ve arthritis & probably i’m dying soon 🙂

i have mapped out a smart future for myself and my kitties… and i am working way too hard, physically and emotionally draining myself. all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this winter, this silent preparation for what is to come when i show up at your door & i’m once again giving myself to something that i once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.

allegory of the cave

whisper something beautiful to me. i’ve always wanted my life explained like a scientific paper published in nature with five figures. nature doesn’t allow more than 5 figures. so it would have been quite helpful if my life can be explained like that and with conclusions and what future direction i should go.

i’m a little wounded now. it sucks you know. one would think that as you grow older one would know how to manage feelings and a broken heart. i have gone round the world in a circle and ended up at square 1. do you ever get that malaise where you just feel utterly lonely ? i’m always alone, but i don’t often feel lonely. being alone is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s like when you visit a museum and you see something profound. i often feel that. everyone around me is moving, bustling, giggling and here i’m caught up in something; like all of a sudden everything is calm and there i have it. the moment of clarity in all that chaos which is otherwise my life. my life can best be explained by plato’s allegory of the cave, because i often feel like i’m trapped in my own life.  being physically and emotionally alone is something i’ve gotten used to it after julien’s and jace’s passing and i even started feeling good about being alone. listening to music, while running around in my underwear, keeping my head down, and smiling at strangers… odd feeling and different but good.

life is cruel. and the darkness in me isn’t seen, it’s only felt. i carry it like my shadow and it became invisible. but it takes a form when i remember. when autumn boy had that conversation with me, what i pushed into shadows came out. all the darkness which i push down, deep down in my heart, got loose and it came out. nostalgia… it’s delicate and potent. it breaks me and cripples me. nostalgia means the pain from an old wound. it’s a twinge in my heart far more powerful than memory alone. a feeling of a time, i ache deeply to go again.

but this may be a good thing because, i think i somehow eased into something with autumn boy, like a boundary was crossed and at least standing on the same level. maybe. or maybe i broke in to him or broke the wall which i put up. i’m still wary because he is a sorcerer and he spins his silvery web. like a spider he knits a spell and his magic. my darling, my darling, my blue-eyed boy… you made july sorrow-filled and lovely, and you made october lonely and you made every month in between beautiful hell.

but i keep thinking about being sincere and honest with myself. and the solution became clear, like the things the color blue brings to life. melancholia brings beautiful poetry out of me; for fuck sake, i literally glow… my dreams keep asking me “how did you survive”.. i answer hesitatingly “i’m able to pickout patterns one can’t detect” but i wish i didn’t survive.

i have been having lengthy conversations with sandalwood for the past few days. i wasn’t that keen on marriage in the first place because he is awfully younger than i’m and i think, he would be better off without me. he doesn’t see it that way (#facepalm) and while i enjoy his company deeply (and the sex is great), i halted the wedding plans for now. and yesterday we both went for a car ride in the evening… did i tell you, i like to speed ? but yesterday for the first time, i drove on pa turnpike. first time because i hate turnpikes. no life and no activity. i love driving on country roads. you don’t know what you get. a pothole or a deer or squirrel resting on the middle of the road. i get to drive through small towns and villages, and farmlands and simple life.

while driving, a-ha’s “take on me” came on the radio, and i was already doing 80 mph, and when this song came on, i floored the accelerator, screaming the song at the top of my lungs into the night air, while dancing in my seat and sandalwood laughing and saying that i have lost it.

autumn paints in colors, summer could get jealous of. the sunset was spread over in the evening sky, making the clouds blush and bloom into beautiful roses.

we hiked till it’s a bit dark and was getting cold; we both wanted to have sex, but then we realized my cell phone’s battery is almost gone, because the charger in my car wasn’t charging, his was on ½ life and we have no clue where we were and when it’s dark everything looks the same and we were in the middle of nowhere. here i should tell you a funny time. julien and i were at a ski resort in utah, he wanted to ski and i tried to learn and after having bum black and blue, i gave up. So one day we drove to yellow stone national park and we camped there and we were happily having sex in the back of our suv, when a bear came through the front and julien (naked and all) jumped out and trying to drag me out and i was frantically looking for my pants and not moving; he was so upset and he kept yelling the bear doesn’t care about me being naked… i finally found my pants and pulled them on but by that time, the bear got bored and left.

work is cool as usual. my boss gave me good news and i’m chuffed about it. i stayed home today to work on a few projects. my boss gets paranoid when i take off as she thinks that i may leave and now a days even tim started on it. when i informed him i won’t be in, he is like you are coming in the tomorrow right ? i told him that he is getting paranoid as well. i like conversations with him because he is genuine. and humble. he is good for my intellect and to keep me laughing. his humor is subtle. he thinks his humor is dry and i explained to him that his humor is subtle, like ‘frasier’ (tv show) or like britcoms and only people with more than two neurons would get that sense of humor.  for that matter both my boss and tim make me laugh. a lot.

i have been away from gym and i can see myself getting bloated what with the steroids. now i have to go back and be studious about it.

last sunday my colleague from work and i went to watch patriots game at this sports bar. and here’s the thing. i actually called them up to ask if they are airing and the said yes. so we go there to find out, no audio or no closed captions and we talked to the manager, the hostess, the waiters and no dice. the bar is airing eagles game (philadelphia) on every other tvs with audio on the bar speakers and closed captions. i can’t fathom their logic and we both left and i wrote a nasty review on yelp. i’m usually nice even when people are evil, but yea, not this time. the cherry on this pie was eagles lost (and in a most bizarre and unbelievable way) while patriots won.

i went out this evening to get gas and this song came on “if you like pina colada” and for a change, i was actually paying attention to the lyrics because i usually tune out songs i don’t like and let my brain make up stories in general. i’m not sure, but i think this song is about adultery. and in the song, the couple who tried to commit adultery is not actually acknowledging it. i was like that can’t be right, is it ?

my cat, winter is quite a conversationalist when the mood strikes him. he is now in my bed, talking away. he is one of those cats, who actually answers to your questions and i have been racking my brain to figure out how best i could explain plato’s allegory of the cave to him as i think that’s how my life has been going and he is a good listener and he would also help me in his own way to figure things out, so i bid you all good night and will now go and have this philosophical discussion with him.