Et Bonne Année 2022

I have been meaning to post this blog since 2021 but then got distracted, side tracked and also not to mention it’s so hard to type with a broken keyboard.  I have now 5 laptops with broken keyboards and this is because of my cats who jump on them or deliberately walk on them with no regard to someone else’s personal property.  I so love them all the same.  Anyhoo, here I’m typing on my mobile phone.

Terrible years really make you understand the point of a new year. I don’t think nothing much will have changed between December 31 and January 1.  But there is a need to partition off everything that’s happened to us, and take a moment to say ‘that’s done, I’m done with it, it’s over’ and have a little hope that the future will be different. Take a little breath and sing, in the middle of the winter and prepare for spring. 

Personal update: we are still in Pandemic but I’ve never been happier. Mind you, in 2021 April-May time I lost a lot of my cousins to Covid and it was brutal. But as I believe in God (Christ) vehemently, He took this and helped me to become stronger and bolder. I’ve had gloom surrounding me since my husband’s death in 2014, so this came as a relief. I have to thank God and as we reflect 2020 and 2021, we must look at the ways God has been with us and blessed us.  As those years wound down and we look to the new year, and recount God’s wonderful deeds. 

Currently I’m broke financially speaking, what with my cats’ medical needs and and my expensive plant collection and other investments.  But I’m thinking, hopefully by the end of this year I should stabilize i.e. if I don’t go and buy more unicorn plants (I may have to sell my kidneys !!)

I’ve been watching a lot of shows, documentaries, as you all as well I’m sure, most of them are in French, German or Swedish. I recently watched Apple Tree Yard (British) and The Wall (German) and man, I was traumatized!! I was physically sick after watching them and this maybe because I wasn’t expecting the story to twist that way or whatever, and so it felt like someone punched me in my gut. I had to break off of watching the shows for a week or so and get well & went back to finish watching them.  

Sadly the very lovely boy Gaspard Ulliel, French actor, passed away and my heart ached a lot !! 

And keeping in with the same subject of films snd TV programs, and actors, a Swedish actor Mikael Persbrandt took my breath away. There are many beautiful people but this guy is stunning. Like you serious would fall for him immediately. In general, I don’t like blonde men, or very pale skinned, or high cheekboned, etc but though he has all those, he is someone from my fantasies. Maybe he just has that fantastic combination of seductive smile, bad boy swagger and good looks !! Too bad he has a girlfriend  or a wife !! lol 

The show “the Expanse” came to an abrupt end and I scratched my head !! I’m like What the F ?! I must say that’s one perfect show where the story, the actors and the scenes just mesh !! I vented to my colleague at work as he and I share this love for sci-fi stuff and also stargazing !! We decided we may have to buy the books and read the ending. 

I’m immensely pleased that my patriots have a good future as Mac Jones joined the team !! As I predicted Buccaneers are out which makes me happy as I consider Tom Brady a traitor for leaving the team !! At this point I don’t care who wins but I think I’m rooting for Bills or San Fran 49ers.  

Warriors are doing very well and hopefully they continue to do well and not be out with injuries and they need to get the NBA championship so yours truly can smile her most seductive smile !! 
Also, honestly sometimes it’s annoying when one speaks two or three languages (like me) and when you type fast you hit that globe button accidentally and you type something which is nonsensical and you realize that after sending it !! 

Winter is full on and though not snowing that much, it’s bitterly cold. I wake up on these mornings, watching blades of sun light on my indoor plants, sipping orange juice  while I wait for the bread to pop out of the toaster and coffee to brew. I read somewhere a while ago that we waste most of our time while waiting, in expectation, in not-doing something. Like at a checkout line or at a traffic stop. I have my buttered toast and sunlight; kitties & me in my warm flannel nightie, look out of the French doors (windows ??) with content and in silence watching the birds fly in to eat their breakfast. The rats also come to eat the bird seed I put out for the birds and I swear they plumped up !!  I haven’t figured out how to leave water to these creatures as the water keeps freezing. For now I’ll cherish all these memories lest they fade.

“Le silence est le lieu privilégié de l’émotion. Avant de parler, pendant les quelques secondes où on réfléchit à ce qu’on va dire, c’est peut-être là qu’on montre une partie de son âme. 
Silence is the privileged place of emotion. Before speaking, during the few seconds when we think about what we are going to say, it is perhaps there that we show a part of our soul.” – Gaspard Ulliel, French actor (1984 – 2022)

so far this january….

it’s been a handful of days since i moved into my new place. i haven’t unpacked yet. i probably won’t. my kids and i are still getting used to the new place. the first few days at the new place i tried recover from all the driving i did and the side effects of prednisone; when i was still taking prednisone, i literally felt the fat depositing on my tummy and my face and i was worried for a second but my newly acquired ability to breathe fully into my lungs won out; and oh my god, i was so hungry all the time… but once i finished the course, my fat deposits started to come off and my hunger diminished but then again, new set of problems crept in because prednisone acts by lowering the immune system responses; so my body hurts (and hurting), i feel a bit fatigued… but i am sure these will go away soonish…

i kept all the lights on in the house as it’s a new place and i don’t want my kids to slip and break their legs; also i haven’t quite figured out how to keep enough light so it’s not completely dark on account, i am not comfortable in total darkness.

my kids are happy and my plants are happy – already some of their leaves are budding. i have many lavender plants in makeshift pots – i have to find them suitable places and so far i spent my weekends sleeping or trying to familiarize myself with the shopping centre in my area.

i love the current neighborhood.  my original thought of buying a house somewhere near my old house is no longer firm and i may want to check out this area and if i find a house i fall in love with, i probably will stay here. all the shopping i need and usually care for is within few mins of my house and they are all near to each other and i am super happy like a kitty with a bowl full of cream. for example, the petsmart (where i buy kitty supplies) is right next to a super market where i buy things like paper towels and my starbucks french roast coffee !! i buy the beans and grind them for my morning coffee ritual !

when i get up in the morning, i make a bee line to the kitchen to start my coffee and while it’s brewing, i feed my kids while inhaling the sweet aroma of the same and i then pour my first cup of coffee. my french roast is the decadent pleasure of epic proportions that fits into a cup which i keep nestled between my hands, and i dream while i’m still awake and of visions that have me plotting a second cup of french roast goodness because another cup of this delectable delight is most definitely needed.

during the weekend (esp during winter time), i sit transfixed in front of a fire that entertains me with warm dancing flames, while my mind wanders and plots the biggest cup of coffee ever, and nostalgia of such past days wrap me up in in the warmest kind of embrace until i swear that i’m drinking a cup of pure magic. sigh. and it’s this delicious thought that makes me smile all the way.

but i digress  – in summary, i am surprised that i am happy with this little area where there is so much open space, open skies and i am pretty sure it will be filled with greenery come spring. can’t fucking wait ! and oh the other day when i was going to work, i saw a deer crossing the road and it made me smile.

my morning commute has been bit difficult but i am coming to terms with it…. the very first day i was to return to work this year, i was late as i couldn’t find parking for my car and when i finally parked, the train came into the station and i had to turn and get in my car and drove to work while informing my boss that i missed the train. there’s construction, apparently, since two years, and so there is this circuitous route one needs to take to get to the platform to get on the train and while i secretly am happy because i am burning some much needed calories with these everyday hikes to the platform, but while i’m actually hiking, i curse left and right.

there are many many people who travel into the city with me and i am not pleased as i would like to have the entire train to myself. but as i don’t own the train, i settled to just observe the people and i right away found out one glaringly obvious thing. everyone dresses up in the same way like stepford wives – professionally that is, with black slacks, and dressy tops and black or brown shoes and here i am, almost hobo chic… also my boss is trying to make me a well dressed girl but i am a tomboy and dresses and i don’t go well; my mother tried it before – having said that i probably would become one of the stepford people as i don’t like to stand out.

i am enjoying my train rides as within a few minutes into the travel, the sun comes up and i smile brightly – i read on my ride and i have finished the book “a thousand splendid suns” and i was angry when this brute of a husband was beating up on his wife and i couldn’t wait get back to my book when the protagonist found out that the love of her life wasn’t actually dead ! i was impatient all that day at work and when i was on the platform to catch my train i eagerly and greedily got back to my book. that book was a hard read for me as i am a card carrying feminist and any form of domestic abuse is not okay with me and i just can’t understand how women (and some men) put up with such stuff. i started rereading the book “perfume – the story of a murderer” by patrick suskind as i recently watched a series with the same name which mentions this book.

the other day my train was late and i was sitting on a bench surrounded by a sea of people and there was this elderly gentleman sitting next to me and started chatting with me: gave me tips on how to polish vinyl and plastic and how not to get dust on your leather shoes; and at this point, my train was running late and so the announcer came on the overhead speakers and was telling the same and then another train came in which goes to trenton and the announcer was painfully telling everyone that this particular train is express to trenton and not to thorndale (my train); the elderly gentleman told me, that there will be people who would get on the trenton express and then they would have to trek all the way back to city to get on the train to thorndale because in spite of the announcer repeating the message many times, people would be stupid enough to get on the wrong train; we both giggled loudly and all the other people standing around looked at us suspiciously.

this weekend is very important as my boys patriots are playing and i am not overly concerned as i know they will win.

a colleague and i went out to eat a bit and chat and during the conversation i told her that i like someone but as he has a girlfriend i am waiting for such a time he is single. she immediately asked if he is some one from work and though i almost got caught, i masked my answer with something else.

i try to stop time, whenever i am busy dreaming about you. the times when our eyes lock, and the times when i talk to you – trivialities – but precious. looped memories i play over and over again.  i lose myself within a world full of so little words and lots of feelings; waiting, may be for a moment when you take a chance on us and decide to see what may exist between your heart and mine. may be waiting for you to take that leap of faith and see what you might find and hopefully like; i’m sitting next to you in my mind, and discussing things – that life is all about living and taking chances when they appear; and discussing things like love which are often too fragile at the beginning and wondering if our love would continue to grow; and i continue to store all memories in a bottomless box; and may be hoping to revisit them in my (our) old age and relive !

but here we are – each of us lost in thoughts as we silently weigh the odds of us

et bonne année 2019

2019/01/01

i have decided i’m going to be happy and started my life afresh, afresh, afresh.

self-appreciation. this is the one thing i always have hard time to learn. it is just too much. appreciating myself, of all things ? who would even do that ? but here i’m, smiling at my little achievements. appreciating my beauty nobody seems to notice. i have myself. i love myself. self-appreciation, checked.

last year has been weird and good for me, but thank the fuck, it’s finished. like alice, in wonderland, i ate a magical potion and shot up to the stars. it was full of hard lessons but good ones. so many things i have learned.  but i have finally arrived, not a final destination, but within reach. i learnt, that i must make a detour.

i’m in transition literally and figuratively speaking; and praise be to heavens for the discovery of prednisone. i finally gave in and took a course of them, as i was desperate to breathe. it was important as my breathing got harder and i need my lungs to function so i can pack up and move. i moved to a temporary rental before i could buy my dream house.

the rental house is a huge mansion which is a must for my platoon. but it came with almost everything which i don’t want in a house; it’s in a housing association complex; a row house; no garage; people everywhere; no fucking yard; if i open my front door, i’m literally in my neighbors lap; too fucking far from my work; again no fucking garage; but guys, i’m biting my tongue so goddamn hard as i deserve this punishment for not acting quickly when i should have.

a little background: i have been restless for a while; since my husband’s passing in 2014; i have been tormented and tortured and i think i may have (had) ptsd; i was frozen in time, unable to breathe, unable to move, unsure of myself; but time waits for no one. while i met some nice and generous people, they can hardly live my life for me.

and once the initial shock wore off, i realized that my life is a huge fucking mess and i had no active involvement leading up till this point in my life. i wiggled, i fought, i tried, i ran, to get out of this immensely fucked up situation i was in, and to make matters worse, i realized that not all who are in my life, family, or friends, needn’t necessarily be in my corner and in fact they were in my way. the more i tried to untangle myself, the tighter the tangles became and almost choking me to death.

fear made me numb and paralyzed for a while there. and my asthma started getting worse last october onwards and i took that as sign of things to come. i decided i need to move and when the opportunity presented itself, i decided i’m gonna move and start afresh. but the house i wanted to buy got delayed for some fucking reasons and i found myself homeless and i need to rent a place and well that was a fucking feat in itself as i hate lying under any circumstances and after pleading my case of 17 cats to a few landlords, i gave up and decided i will lie and so i’m here in my huge mansion with 17 kids and lying my tail off and said i only have four cats. at any given point, anyone who visits my house sees only three or four kids. one year, my parents stayed with me for a whole of three months and they only saw three cats and wouldn’t believe me when i said i have 20 cats.

i only have four carriers, and one of them is a very small one and so i had to make three trips. it was roughly 50 min ride (each way) to my new house and so i put in six hours just for the trips. i put two kitties in each carrier and transported six cats each trip. and i snuck in my kitties in the cloak of darkness and man i was a nervous wreck and i explained my feat of transporting cats to my friend barbara and we were laughing our heads off which is quite weird but satisfying.

my kids cooperated and were quiet when i moved them in, which was awesome. their faces played a symphony of emotions when i let them out of the carriers: satisfaction, triumph, smugness, consternation, confusion, realization, disbelief, horror. they all immediately found themselves hiding places which was hard to do as i only have six pieces of furniture. but hide they did and camouflaged themselves.

of all of my cats, cheeti, is a very shy kid and i had since 2002 (rescue) and even now, it’s her terms when i can or can’t pet her. she comes to me when she needs petting. when i tried to catch her, i inadvertently traumatized her again, but what can i do, i can’t leave her there by herself. i put her in the same carrier with a boy cat she adores. when i got her home, i felt bad for her and made another two hour trip back and forth, this time to get her the stuffed winnie the pooh bear. my husband bought me a lot of stuffed animals and this one is a largest of all, almost life size, and cheeti took a liking to this one and she sleeps on this bear.

my sleeping arrangements is another matter. i discarded the old mattresses and in an insane moment (i swear i wasn’t thinking straight) bought myself an “air mattress”. i’m not sure what made me do this because i have cats and they have claws. so here i have this mattress and i blew it up and then my cats jumped on, and now i have holes in the mattress which i tried to seal it up, but it keeps losing the air. so the first two days, was like this. i would blow up the mattress and go to bed on it and i would wake up in about three hours, in a puddle of air which resembles something like a hammock and not very comfortable; at times i even blew it up at 3 am or so and now i completely gave up on it and am sleeping on the floor on some blankets and left the air mattress to my cats which they all love and why not as it’s soft and fluffy. few very loyal cats decided they will sleep on the floor with their momma. and oh i did order a “normal” mattress but that gets delivered in a week or so.

i have put most of my stuff in a storage but i have brought my plants and my books and they are all downstairs and may stay there where i left them till i move again in six months. couple of boys helped me move out of my old place and into this new place. i really am thankful to doug who was always helping me and i would miss him at this new place. when they came to deliver my furniture, they pulled up to the back of the house so it’s easier but his pickup got stuck in the mud as it rained the day before. so a neighbor, john, helped them out of the ditch and now the kids are like, “that’s a husband material right there” and doug is like, you should bar-b-que and invite john. i told them that they can date him if they want as i’m quite capable of taking care of myself. what do i need a man for ? i have cats, books, and music, i have toys (and sandalwood) for sex, and i have this dreamy (literally and figuratively) relationship with american boy. so i’m good for a while !

i love this area in spite of it being so fucking far away from my place of work (drivingwise). but at night i can see the stars and there are no lights as it’s farm land and i’m fishing out my binoculars to stare into heavens and be mesmerized by the constellations. at my old place, my husband and i used to drive out of the city to look at the stars. but here, i can just open my curtains and look out at the sky. maybe i will also buy a telescope.

i started reading the splendour of a thousand suns (khaled hosseini). watched a few movies which are really different i thought; cloud atlas, bird box, perfume, the lobster, to name a few.

melodies and lullabies fill my ears each night. the night skies now a days are rarely starry but when they do, i look at them in awe and i wonder, if you’re looking at them too. if you think about me at all. i hold no expectations but the thought of you seems comforting and thus i wish upon the stars, for me to have happiness in various forms, like for example, you. it’s been ages since i saw you but patience, i tell myself, i will see you tomorrow.

full of beginnings, and sometimes it takes a while to adjust to the surroundings. this is how i feel, like there are too many chances and too much forgiveness, and when it fades i’ll realize, it’s no different with how things end.

i’m so thankful for the little blessings which came my way. there are ups and downs, sure, but life is all about choosing something and then sticking to it as much as one can, even if finding out most of them are bad choices. but i learn and that’s the beauty of it. and you learn just like i did. the days which were idle, i turned them into something worthwhile, no matter what.

new year doesn’t mean new universal laws. but i wish your 2019 be filled with hope, peace, and grace. hopefully, you will find your fulfillment in jesus, your purpose in helping others, your success in kindness, your mindset in generosity.

to a new adventure !