it’s 8:29 pm & i miss you

rainy, sunday, a list: sleeping in, cleaning the flat and doing laundry, reading the wuthering heights and drinking all the coffee, basking in the sunny warmth of my kitties, having long phone chat with eyetalian boy, watching sports & b movies and feeling good in a while. life is good.

it’s raining and i’m thinking of you – your death anniversary is a few days away, and i want to fast forward to next month. i am consumed by the pain of this loss of you and i can’t breathe.

so i miss you a lot and i could fall asleep right now, it’s so peaceful and i’m thinking about you and i am talking to you.

trust and truth, my lover you saw through all of my flaws— you used to say to me “you exist differently” you’re the kind of weather that gardens love

i’ve been learning about myself as of late and i’ve realized a few things… i’m forgetting you and it doesn’t feel good. but i guess a part of my fears of losing you again ie. is something that i’m trying to let go of because baby, our love didn’t last forever and that’s okay. i want to let go of all the anxiety, the sadness, the grief, the pain. i want to accept this wholeheartedly. you will always have my heart

i can hear the thunderstorms closing in, and do you think that the universe tries its hardest every single day to bring us together ? i can only hope that there’s divine intervention happening somewhere, but humans being humans can also be something familiar enough for us to stay. i miss cuddling and curling up against you and miss your kisses.

it’s 9:37 pm and my mind is running wild, hey, do you remember when we walked downtown late at night and got lost in the city ? i can still hear your laughter, i can still see my smile.

i think i have a terrible time keeping secrets away from myself and because i’m so excited to talk to you, and to tell you that i’ve been thinking about you

my heart raised high, my soul open wide, my love attached to your heartstrings, they say that unknown locations are the best vacations— i miss getting lost with you all the time and i fall in love with you more than enough times

you’ll always be my favorite way to experience love, light-hearted and tender, rough on the edges when necessary, but all things great fire-started by your smile and i still love you.

i do. i do still love you. we’re alright, sweetheart.

and when the rain stops, and you’ll vanish while i’m asleep, i just wanted you to read this and know that it’s authentic and genuine.

thank you for being my best friend, even if we’re no longer a couple these days, even if we do prove that even death can’t separate us.

it’s going to be a grand adventure regardless me struggling and you dead.

i just wanted you to know that i’ll never forget you. whenever it rains, i’ll remember you, us – you won’t be too far away. you will be wherever the flowers grow. and you’ll be right where the sun kissed the sky, and i’ll be waiting there for you as well.


14 avril, 2019 6:20 p.m.

every year i await the months for winter to end and spring to thaw and it always fills me with awe… spring arrives in april like a warm sludge down my throat with intense humidity but i welcome any warmth with a hunger for the hurt because it hurts to heal and i’m going to take the sun in both hand and heart.

april comes with the sounds of bees on the wind like a sound from the future. the sun glows brightly and says everything is just about a few minutes away and that we should stop waiting for something we already have… the frost melts, the ground softens as if it’s healing.

nature is so goddamn sneaky… one day the trees were bare and dead and the next day there were itsy bitsy buds with life and being the first to be part of something so large.  when i am on my the platform waiting for my train, i see all these trees majestically poised and silently waiting for the spring thaw and then i saw these little buds, which made me smile and now they are voluptuous with green gently and happily swaying in morning breeze. the ground is soft in the face of life. the soft petals drink up the mist as the daffodils cradle the sun. i quench myself as something cracked and aged, as dry as starlight, in the wet swoons of april.

i have been a fucking social butterfly this month… i have gone to my department’s dinner event as i’m pretentious bitch and the dinner was at a great restaurant in philly where the food is to die for. i usually avoid social scenes as they are mind numbingly boring but i’m kind of missing having a social life which involves night life. i seriously need to find like minded people who would like to go dancing and having dinners at pretentious restaurants and go dancing with me.

i also went to a sixers basket ball game because my boss couldn’t go and she asked me to and i was actually off that day because i had to go to traffic court (remember i got a goddamn ticket ! and while waiving of my inspection ticket, they got me on another technicality ie i didn’t change my address on the registration & license. bastards ! the judge preached me why i needed to notify, & boy did i learn a very expensive lesson as i had to pay $150). if i had to go to work, i wouldn’t have gone to the sports event unless i get off early to go home and feed my kids and then go to the event. the people who organized it had a nice little suite and i know this is more like networking and i have nothing in common with people who goes there, and i’m not a sixers fan but it is an opportunity to feel like a vip and also i wanted to have the experience of actually going to live game. after politely excusing myself, i have made myself comfortable by getting a good seat where i can scream at the players as i have this habit of totally getting immersed in sports and usually scream at my tv (or a tv in a restaurant). but people came by and started chatting with me much to my dismay and i tried to multi-task but well, it’s ok as my boys, the warriors, weren’t playing below on the court; at one point, the partners of the company who organized this came and sat with me and one of them is a patriots fan and the other eagles fan. so i was making fun of the eagles loss, and he goes, “at least my team’s owner wasn’t in headlines with a sex scandal and doing dishonorable things”. it’s a jab at kraft getting caught with a prostitute and i answered him “he is a old and a widower and he got a happy ending and while i don’t condone it, let it go”. for me tho, the most mind boggling question is, he is a very rich guy and there are bleach blonde women with no morals and who would not only give a handjob or a blowjob or do anything else to have a rich life style and they must be fawning all over him and why does he even needed to go to such a place. had conversation with a couple of foreigners (scottish and aussie) and i can never understand why americans are so uptight with foreigners and they are more conservative than europeans.

tim from work, started teasing me about liking the best sports teams (aka patriots, warriors) and so everytime he makes fun of me, i started to print out a tom brady photo and put it on his desk.

my breathing is going great but the recent humidity made me wheeze a bit. i accepted asthma as part of my life, and am going to do whatever is necessary to keep breathing and hopefully not let it affect me negatively. i’m slowly increasing my work out time, and i’m nowhere near the time i want to spend working out but i’m getting stronger… clean eating is honestly the best thing which came out of my asthma. i recently found some vegan cakes and cookies at whole foods which translates to me being a potato #sidelook

i’m eager to explore the trails near my house and i wanted to do it this weekend, but sunday kind of blurred into chores and also clouds were hanging down low, & my laziness set in before i knew it. i made myself some gardein crab cakes and stuffed them into some tortis along with plantains, lentils. i also found out that burger king is now offering plant based meat whopper and i can’t wait to go and get one !

in other news, i’m house hunting and started looking at various options. i’ve a particular house in mind and i haven’t so far found it, but i’m getting ready for the time when i actually find it. i’m unsure at this point if i would ever find a bloke to settle down with and i’m kind of tired of dating men who i know i’m never gonna fall in love with or men who are so goddamn young. i genuinely want to have a loving and lasting relationship, but currently my feelings and my brain are at an impasse. and this is for you ! you made an effort to talk to me (twice) which made me suspicious – our silences are beautiful anyway as my heart extends into yours respite from life’s worries, and drizzling wonder over sepia-tinted days to linger softly within these glittery moments, i wrote love letters to you in my mind and that’s where they stay, and i dangle tender thoughts etching whispered dreams, wishing you were mine. i’m here because of failures of my past. i can trace the scars when i run my fingers on my heart and i just wish that you don’t give me new ones.

lying down on my bed while dusk has set upon the lips of the sky and the music is playing in the background with a song that feels like it could last forever inside of this memory, i love songs that stop time. like this moment is more real than any previous frame that you will revisit. i am hypnotized by the way rhythm and lyrics spoken with a tone that makes it feel as though you’re floating through a garden in space and everything is ethereal and unreal, but with the slightest touch, you’re back home and as long as you have that moment inside of your heart, you know that everything will always be alright.

10:45 pm – reflections

weekends are so goddamn short !

if you were wondering what the scientific term for eating human flesh is, i can tell you now: anthropophagy. this is the stuff you learn when you are trying to add books to your summer reading list, kids……… i’m reading an article about the dystopian novel oryx and crake by margaret atwood and this is the main topic in it.  i didn’t know that.the article i read was basically about the fact that animals that are genetically engineered (like in oryx and crake) and have human dna, become a chimera sort between humans and animals. as they are still eaten like in the novel, but because it included human dna, this would also legitimize eating human flesh. weird, huh ?!? and from there i further learned that

  1. there are theories that the word for cannibalism derives from the same word as caribbean which in turn comes from the carib people so i’d say antropophagy is the better term
  2. there is of course a rich history of the west using the concept of anthropofagy to other indigenous people
  3. there was a literary movement in brazil called antropofagia that tried to construct a national identity around the concept of antropofagia.

my selfies : you may not have realized it, but they are of my recently chopped hair and in passing i mentioned that to my boss and she was like, send me your photos and so i took a few and once i start snapping selfies, i usually make faces at myself & i was very tempted to send this one with my tongue sticking out but i refrained and sent the other one plus another frontal where i looked quite respectable.

this week i also found out that my kids actually wait for me when it is time for me to come home… when i’m leaving for work a few of them perch up on the window & look out when i’m leaving and when i get home at my usual time, they are there… so i assumed, they stay there having nothing to do but work at putting in as many hours of nap time as possible. but lo & behold, it’s so not true. this week, on two occasions, i came home early as at work, i got nothing to do & as i was on the verge of looking for a rope to hang myself, i pushed off early after informing my boss and so i was home earlier by 30 mins and an hour… on both these occasions i haven’t seen any signs of cats on the window sills which made me further impressed at my kitties and my heart filled up with warm, gooey love for my kids and i fed them a can of tuna to each of them. i refrain from feeding tuna to them on regular basis due to mercury content but my kids get it as a treat once every three to four months.

it’s a cool rainy day of spring. i’m thinking of wearing a beanie tonight as i want to leave my window open but it’s getting chilly. work was bearable and kind of fun. but the weather coursed me to daydream these past two days. these kind of days always make me want to write. let me down slowly by alec benjamin plays in my head & in the background. the rain is a trigger for that. i tell myself there’s no pointing listening to it, because that wouldn’t be moving on. it would mean thinking about everything. a curtain of sadness covers my eyes. as i spend my time in bed strumming my heart string and i can’t seem to match the sounds. but two sounds are familiar and i end up singing a hymn.

today at a shop (ross’)where i went to purchase a cheap throw for my kitties and while looking for honey, i saw a small plate that brought back an old memory when i was a young lady. i was at a very lonely place in my life having just lost the love of my life, my friend’s mum gave me a small plate. it had red lines around it and words. it was cute and pretty, i thought. i was so happy to receive such a gift. it was the best gift i could ever ask for. i was so excited. thinking of it now, i don’t know what i saw in it. but later on i think it broke.

sometimes i wish i could meet myself back then and talked to her. show her that she was so loved and doesn’t have to try so hard to smile or get panicky at the thought of happiness. but maybe i didn’t in a way. because i was clever and had a great imagination.

i’m looking for peace wherever it may be. stringing my heart along to every song that gets sung, i sank my tears into the sea…. your blues are my blues, your reds are my reds. my favorite evening cloudy with a little bit of sun kind of day, a light breeze straight through the spaces between every finger, your words are not lost within me. a chorus enveloped in yellows i want to wear – will you still meet me under the stars tonight ? some words will never become poems no matter how softly you touch them. i’m trying to be closer to you with these words, forgiving sight for exhausting used miles. and though my heart is yours and i’m wanting it to be mine again, i miss you more with every breath.


breath of spring

life continues on as it tends to do…. in the years to come and when i reflect back, 2018 will be viewed as a year of growth and unexpected happenings.  a year that was full of so much joy, some tough and even gut-wrenching moments, but also a year that revealed a few unexpected moments. one of these unexpected moments proved to be quite endearing, and came in the form of leaving my marital home. it was emotionally painful but it was a good decision. it was something which i tried to hang onto, but god physically pushed me out and i was forever grateful for that.

and i’m excited about the promise of warmer weather and gorgeous wildflower blooms. winter is still holding on in many places, and it’s goddamn cold still, especially in my neck of the woods, but i’m excited as i’m surrounded by hills and i can’t wait to find some beautiful flowers to blanket them… at least i hope. getting distracted by beauty is a real thing and i honestly can say i can get lost in it.

the other day i got a ticket, alas not for speeding as i welcome a speeding ticket but because of not getting state inspection done; i was stuck behind this state trooper and then he stopped me for not having a current sticker which i actually forgot and in a way i’m thankful to the state trooper as for my lexus boy, i maintain below 5000 miles in a year so i can get an inspection waiver as he never passes inspection because he is tricked out to do drag racing… and then the trooper has the audacity to say to me that he was admiring me in his rear-view mirror and then asks me ‘where are you going ?’ i was like ‘i’m going to petsmart’ to which he replies, so you have one or two… i wanted to slap him. and now i have to go to traffic court and contest the ticket.

i’m like alice in veganland and it’s been almost a month since i have become vegan and i’m quite elated to tell you all that my wheezing is much under control and lately i’m not gasping for air like a fish out of the water ….as i’m a trained scientist, i’m keeping a log and  i’ve been experimenting on myself regards to how my asthma behaves with what i eat, and also i read a really informative article about asthma on an ayurvedic website. i’ve started cooking again as the stores and restaurants are not super friendly for me. i have been making yummy indianized meals with plant based meats and one such yummilicious curry needed rice as a base, and i did and lo and behold, my lungs started wheezing…. i learnt my lesson and i decided i won’t make the same goddamn mistake again. i have taken my kids (coops) to a vegan restaurant and i told them, if they didn’t like the meals i will buy them a burger from max brenner… but the kids loved the vegan food, and i kid you not if i say this, i can totally serve vegan meals and no one would know the difference and in fact, one would feel refreshed instead of groggy and heavy. i have to actually cut down on processed vegan meats and get back into veggies… if all goes well, (ie once i become my past self) i will cut off oil as well. oh, i would give or do anything to marry a vegan chef ! i have a list of people i would like to marry, just an fyi and out of all, i would love to marry dh lawrence !

oh, i also started wondering that i may put on more weight but i am ok with it as instead of looking like a potato because of steroids, i can now look like potato because i’m eating good and clean food… best reason to be fat !!

now a days i keep meeting a girl and she and i pass by each other every day. she reminds me of myself when i was younger and stylish…. and i’m motivated to see if i could revert myself back to the days when photographers gave me their card and begged me to model for them… or men chatted me up with stupid pickup lines like you must work as a model (and i would be in a t-shirt and jeans with beat up sneakers) or when random people gave me bouquets of flowers… so i am challenging myself to see if i could get the reaction though i am no longer in my twenties i don’t look past thirty and so i have  something to work on and keep myself occupied.

i let my boss know that if my salary doesn’t improve considerably there is a chance that i will be leaving next year. she doesn’t want to lose me and tbh i don’t want to go, but if i were to quit working in 5 to 10 years, it’s imperative that i should get into investing asap which translates to working for a high paying salary for a few years. and this way i have a full year to work with the headhunters to get the best deal in case my company doesn’t meet the salary i want.

friday was not a great day. i am currently reading “the time traveler’s wife” (a few more pages to go, but haven’t finished yet as i know that the time traveler is gonna die and i’m prolonging his death by not reading) and i was at the part where she keeps losing babies and before she loses them she dreams. before i lost my son, christian, i dreamt as well and they were really weird dreams and nightmares and so it was physically painful for me to read this part and i was silently crying into my ipad, when my fellow passenger (goldman sachs) gave me a tissue… gosh when i remember the painful parts of my life, i wish i could time travel and go to a happier moment and i just curl up there and not leave. (goldman sachs started getting his train from my station for reasons and we sit together most of the time and he tries to make conversations and i try not to encourage him, as i’m still sulking at myself for putting aside american boy, but it is good to have other options especially because he is a reader and he does seem like he has an iq of 150+, so he probably can hold intellectual conversations with me and i probably don’t have to strangle him or hang myself out of sheer boredom !)

speaking of time travel, i binge watched the oa on netflix (it’s about dimensional jump) and believe me if i tell you that i totally waited two years for season two of this show and it hasn’t disappointed me… i also watched a spanish film “mirage” which is also about time and space, and i was thinking what are the chances of this happening that i’m totally involved in time and space related stuff and whenever i’m looking out of my bedroom window, i keep thinking to myself that if any aliens are just happening to be passing by they must take me with them……. also, in 2013 i did see an ufo.. it was an october night and all the leaves fallen off and so i could clearly see the sky from my kitchen window and i was washing dishes and i screamed loudly and grabbed my phone and by the time i put my pants on (remember, yours truly, when home, runs around with no pants on) and ran out screaming for jace to join me, the ufo was just a tiny little thing in the sky. needless to say for several days since then, i camped out shivering waiting for them to reappear and they haven’t. and if you say i have just saw a plane, i will slap you because i’m an intelligent being who can distinguish between a plane and an ufo.

i have this habit of writing my thoughts composing them on gmail, and saving the drafts and i was clearing out my drafts and i found this list which i put together sometime way back in 2002 titled “ things that break my heart a little each time…………..”

abrupt goodbyes after long phone calls  / when you can’t say no to your friend who eats your fries (it was my husband jace before we were married and after married) / people littering the streets /  how underrated some of the best books are / every time a girl speaks about feeling unsafe / kids who’ve learned swear words a little too early / women denying the need for feminism / people misunderstanding the meaning of feminism / when old books can’t be saved from wear and tear / ice cream falling onto the floor / seeing my mom cry / favourite restaurants shutting down / bookstores being converted into clothing stores / the sequel of a book/movie that just doesn’t live up to the first one / when people while texting type “lyk dis” / reading my diaries from high school / nail paint chipping on the very same day i applied it / a promise broken by my father / reading the news / goodbye hugs that are too short

i probably should update this list…..

i’m sitting on my bed, freshly scrubbed and after the week i had, i’m thankful for: poems about love, a fresh bag of veggie chips (still unopened), every train ride home from work, peaches and plums, countdowns, unmade plans, ghosts, kissing the tip of my kitties noses.

i am looking forward to spring / summer and i already started putting together my reading list… the other day my boss saw my book list and insisted i give her a copy of that which i did as she liked my list…


some days my world is full of bright stage lights that illuminate the shadows where i hide; and of rivers of coffee; and of hope and passion and plays; and of sleepless nights and poetry and essays on the importance of perseverance; and some days its full of miyazaki movies and almond milk; of damp and dreary days and cuddling up with my furry babies; of blue skies and walks on the dried leaves making crunchy sound; and of rilke’s third elegy and of double crossed legs in short skirts.

red lipstick

february is melting away in tiny drops and making way into march… but i think nature has come unglued and became bipolar (and yes, pun intended). after living a long time with garages for cars, i got smart and now a days i figured out how to work around with cars in non-garages and in ice / snow / sleet. now a days, as soon as i take a shower and get dressed, i run out and start my car, irrelevant what the weather is like… it’s simpler that way as some days, i would walk out to find my car completely iced up and i have wait for the ice to thaw and then i almost miss my train. and i realized that when the weather man says it’s 30 degrees, i should subtract at least 10 degrees to figure out my current temps.

ah life in the burbs, yo ! i found out that unless a miracle happens, i may not be able to buy a house around here as none of the houses (and i looked up to 500k) are worth my money. they are huge houses but no personality in them. and i want to slap whoever wanted that kind of money for those houses as i would have to completely remodel the house… so here is my new plan and i think i already found a couple of houses which caught my eye and they are kind of nearer to my old neighborhood, with huge yards (important for my cats to roam around and for me to plant a huge garden) and one house i’m almost in love with has french doors and windows even though that’s not a must as i will quickly replace them as soon as i can. i wish i could find a french colonial with juliet balcony but alas i’m not in france and i also wish when i open my french windows i will see eiffel tower…  it’s fun as i’m already shopping for floor mirrors and decadent curtains either from morocco or egypt…

i think there is nothing sexier than a man reading a book ! and a very rare sight indeed, but they do exist. in my commute i find a few men, reading away and i am pleased. i also look at the images of men (usually shirtless) with kittens and puppies and for whatever reason it’s adorable.

i’ve really really come strides and lengths with food in ways i wouldn’t have imagined at all and i’m really proud of myself for that instead of feeling unsatisfied. past saturday sandalwood and i have gone mountain biking; him on proper bike and me on a bike not meant for mountains and it was rough for me; i half biked and then decided i will just take my bike for a walk; my lungs ached so much and i almost passed out for a couple of times and that made me fucking mad and i was angry at my debilitating asthma and at my lungs for succumbing to it… i mean, here they are, have a cozy job like being the lungs of a very intelligent person and then they get asthma.. that made me a vegan on the spot (with one exception, that i will have cream with my coffee and i already drink almond milk and have ice cream made with coconut milk) ! i mean, i was already working at it but i just went shopping like on thursday and bought brie, finishing butter, eggs, and yogurts, and i don’t like to throw food away and i thought i will be vegan after i finish them but after that biking episode, i decided to fuck all the dairy food and i will of course rehome the brie and butter… a week or so ago i made a big pot of cabbage with veggie sausages and so on saturday while coming home, we dropped into a store so i can buy more sausages for the dinner, and i was going round and round in circles to find the sausages and i can’t find them… after making two laps round the store with me, sandalwood gave up and parked himself near a cashier and every time i went past him, he is like “you look like an adorable half-witch” on account my hair is unmanageable at any time of the day but after that hiking, the hair was kind of damp with all the sweat… i finally found a store guy who took me to the meat section to show me the beyond the meat burgers and i was thinking what self-respecting vegetarian or vegan would go look for these in the meat section but i think it’s more for the carnivores than for vegetarians or vegans… this was my first experience with this beyond the meat burgers and sausages and having prepared and ate them, i can testify that they are awesome… and more over they are not soy products so double plus from me. and i also finally found the field roast brand sausages which i was actually looking for.

i have also started researching on asthma and types of asthma and goddamn either asthma goes, or i die trying to rid it… i incorporated some vitamins and not sure if it’s a placebo effect but i feel better ? ! ?

personal training is well under the way where i am huffing and puffing away to glory and trying to build up stamina and i bought a pull up bar for home to work on my flexibility… may be i should buy a pole ?

also on sunday, i spent a whole day getting pampered and after $500 i got massaged, bleached, waxed, scrubbed and polished and i probably squeak as my aesthetician removed an entire layer of epidermis…

an update on barbara and she was supposed to come out to my house this sunday but her husband and soon to be ex, came to chat with her. and after her chat, she called me telling me that he actually expected her to have sex with him (he takes sildanafil citrate to get aroused) and she is like i’m so disgusted and i’m seriously thinking of becoming a lesbian. and i was like ‘well don’t look at me as i like sex a lot and i especially enjoy sex with a penis’ – fun fact sildenafil is prescribed to cats and dogs to decrease the hypertension (like heart & lung probs) and one time, one of my kids was prescribed this !

there is a coop girl in my company, and i feel blessed because of her. i always felt awful for not having children because after losing my son, i became panicky at the thought of having children but i always wanted to adopt a child and i still may. but this girl gave me that satisfaction of being a mum because she also is very taken in by me as we started having these chats and our conversations just flow and we are like minded and after hesitating a lot, i finally confessed to her that if i ever had a daughter, i would want her to be like this girl. she feels closer to me as well, and i can see that we would be keeping in touch a long time after she leaves our company. so i have to say that i no longer feel that void of not having a child and i feel fulfilled. i still want to adopt as there are many many orphaned children.

i put american boy aside for now (not yet scratched him off of my list) as he started behaving bizarre and he is ambiguous and hell no, i won’t have any sort of headachy relationships or have dramas… i had enough of that in my life and i was thinking, dude no one is forcing you and if he is thinking that i will chase him down, that ain’t happening in this life time – and i set the rules. i want him with all my heart, but he has to come with no baggage, no drama and take life at the face value and live in the moment… and if he chooses not to, adieu et bon chance ! and i will write a little poem or story in your honor… once upon a time two minds collided into a thousand words, which soon bloomed into a tragedy – that is, if one could even call it that and despite the tradition, it was not death that separated them but it’s life and so on so forth. i always have other options to explore and i am not even trying.

also i recently got a job offer where they offered a more than what i’m getting paid currently (base salary of $120k+ and bonuses) and i’m almost tempted but i have to buy a house first and so i dropped a line to the hr person to find out if and when i would be getting that kind of salary because well, if i don’t get a counter offer, i will be gone in a year. my current salary is good for the time being, but i like money and am willing to work for it and also i have no intention of working for a salary for the rest of my life and on top of it i have very expensive tastes and i have cats and also i want some money to play the stock market and invest in real estate.

and thus, i have set my priorities before me and i am working on bringing sexy back and i was a ballet dancer and i know how to workout till i’m raw and cut back on calories…been feeling good, been doing that whole “positive feedback loop” thing, and it’s been working a whole lot. everything changes when u see it for yourself. breathe in and breathe out while living life way down deep… loving without strings and making pinky promises meant to keep… genuine gestures extended as i try my best to be me and oh, may be sometimes i get stuck in the past but my wings are spread and i am getting ready to fly, wearing red lipstick and a hopeful heart.



“my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is forever going to be one of my favorite quotes. something about it is just so achingly familiar. i’m not sure what it is, but it sounds so resigned and tired. “my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is so hauntingly human, so crushingly lonely. i can’t articulate the deep, profound ache that sentence evokes. it’s acceptance and defeat and terror and sadness all at once, all from one tiny little machine we asked to explore the stars for us. i cried for oppy and am confused by my tears and sadness.

may be because it’s so human. almost painfully so. she somehow managed to convey everything humans fear about death into one simple sentence. and i feel part of what makes it so meaningful is that this was sent by a rover who lived 60 times her lifespan of 90 days. while it’s sad that we can’t get her home, in a way, she is home as she was built for mars.

her final words will live on.

on feb 13, 2019 mars rover was officially declared dead by nasa. rip oppy, you were brave. (dedicated to opportunity for exploring our space dreams)

i know that i’ve been quiet lately about sandalwood and i’ve been extremely inconsistent and ugh not so sure about him.  but the moment i start talking to him, i remember our first conversation and how he started it. “maybe… we’re all songbirds.” he says…. it was like really late at night and i was really down and out, no one was awake, but us. i know i’ve never talked to him before, but he was the closest thing i’ve ever felt to home in a long time.

anyway, like every year since my husband’s passing, i have had multiple dinner dates for valentines, mostly my friends and occasionally the guys i was dating and so this year it was my friends plus a couple of guys including sandalwood. but as i was sick the past week, i’d to reorganize my outings and yesterday night i met up with him in the city as i wanted to hangout with my friend barbara afterwards.

we had a grand night, the weather cooperated, so we went to kimmel center and later had a light dinner. i decided i would invite him to hangout with barbara as well.

the prerequisite to be my friend is being completely nuts. i make friends with people who are complete nutjobs and barbara is no different and we have been friends for a while. her story goes a way back, like almost ten years when she was dating a guy who was 20 years older than her and a couple of years ago, they got married and i’m not in favor of it as i think something is wrong with him. fast forward to a month ago, she has completely given up on him and wants to divorce him but she wants to get money from him as well for all the emotional trauma she went through and she did go through rough crap. if i were in her place, i would have dropped him a long time ago, because my rule is “if you are not going to treat me the way i expect you to, you are gone…” there are always plenty of other fish in the pond…

so we were chatting yesterday and a bangladesh couple barabara knew were also there and to sandalwood’s horror, we all decided we will hire an uber and go to her husband’s house…… one of the things which she is putting up with is, he lives somewhere else and she lives in the city and she is now convinced that he is cheating on her with his ex (he was married four times)… so we all bundled up and ubered to doug’s house…. and this bangla woman packed some food as well… and so there we were in a single car with a picnic basket, in the middle of the night, gone sleuthing to catch barbara’s husband in an adultery. sandalwood kept a lookout in case the neighbors would look out or something, and we three women, crept up to his house so barbara can check out the car and yes, his ex’s car was there and so we bundled up back into the car and headed back with one furious barabara… we were so nervous and tensed but we were also crazy, having no clue what we would say in case someone or police caught us. sandalwood reassured that we probably won’t have been arrested because we have a good reason but worst execution and that he would have bailed us out in case we got arrested.

all in all, it was the best adventure i have had since my husband and sandalwood is back in my graces as any man who would do things like that with me gets high points. i have made julien stop the car to go and check out a trash bag which was in the middle of nowhere while we were driving through bad lands in montana in the hopes of finding a dead body (alas no dead body, just trash) and i made my husband to go up to bucks county in the middle of the night and camp out in a farm in the hopes of finding a ufo as i heard bucks county farms did have some crop circles and so on so forth and what have you… you get the gist…i’m one dare-devil with a tinge of insanity and friends with equally, if not more, crazy people. but after all, life is for taking risks !

when i was sick, and was going through my coughing fits, my eldest girl, my lovely tickles, would come up to me, and caress me and give me soft purrs and kisses to make sure i am ok. when my kids bestow such love, i feel that the veil of universe is lifted slowly and i’m high with love…

for whatever reason, before this flu episode (i’m still a bit sick as a matter of fact), i decided i will go vegan at least a few months to see if it would lessen the inflammation in my lungs (asthma). i want to increase my lung capacity and let’s see if this would work. i was in the gym the other day and oh i signed up with a trainer, as every time i am doing something on the cables, he would come up to me to correct as i’m not used to this type of cables and i decided i would just pay him for this and also as i wanted him to train me on trx. this is the year i’ve decided i’m going to shed my steroids, my weight and increase my stamina. and while i was in the gym, i heard a song which sounded familiar “my favorite things” from ‘sound of music’ but for a while i couldn’t understand what language it was and if it was a remake and so when i got home i googled. for one, i wanted to get that for my work-out play list and secondly, i wanted to find out what language it was sung in. and lo, it was ariana grande’s 7 rings and i was so pissed that i wanted to go and slap that bitch because, i kid you not, i can never understand what she was saying or and gives me impression of a foreign language and if you don’t believe me, listen to the songs… mind you, they have a nice beat to it as i would dance to them, but her enunciation sucks buckets… and this guy (i read this on twitter or tumblr) put it the best and i couldn’t have said it better “ariana grande’s enunciation reminds me of the time i was sucking dick and the guy asked me a question in the middle that isn’t a yes-or-no type like “oh fuck when’s the last time you’ve been deepthroated?” and i try to respond with a dick suffocating me like “lungaweeffawgho” and while moaning, he goes “aah wha?” but my answer shouldn’t matter cause what’s important is he’s having a good time like how i enjoy ari’s songs even when i dont understand what she’s saying”

and sometimes ! even tho one is careful, some dreams die.

life happens and you have to roll with the punches. i stopped reading like the way i used to because there isn’t much time, i get tired easily and i find myself misanthropic. don’t enjoy movies in the same way because i started figuring out the ending. used to play sports but that was before sports started to hurt.

and god, i loved dance ! i grated my skin raw trying to make body perfect for ballet’s expectations. i got older, busier. chose other things. got thicker, because i was happy and then got asthma. still go to the occasional dances and oh, i gotta take this slow. oh, i have muscle and it shows and that’s not a bad thing.

i’m learning to close my eyes and forgive the soft spots. i can never become an artist but i can still dance. i didn’t run to the circus but i have a friend who has offered to help you learn aerial yoga and isn’t that close to the same thing. i now have to workout instead of dancing, and that sucked. at least now when i get to dance, i appreciate every second.

and no. i can’t move like i used to. takes me longer to remember what used to come naturally. taking my hits with humility.

and okay. so i’m not going to suddenly be what i wished i were. but sometimes i get to knock. crack open the door. close my eyes and be just doing it. no wish for success. just me and my dream, hand in hand.

and oh how we dance.