hello march

february, you were a heavy and unforgiving veil, enveloping me and choking out my tired, burdened breath. welcome march, unearth me.

it’s march and let spring begin. it’s three weeks to vernal equinox, well it’s actually 3 days short of three weeks, but what’s three days between friends.

my cozy little house has gotten quite comfortable and conducive to laying down roots. i used to think to never buy furniture because i was scared of settling down and not get my own house. now that couldn’t be further from the truth, i feel very lucky to have this little haven.

“true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from. — brianna west, from “this is what ‘self-care’ really means

this weekend has been a great to do as the international orders i placed, got delivered so fast which was really astonishing and exciting. i am a sucker for beautiful artistic things and i don’t mind how expensive they may be. in fact, i would rather buy quality pieces which may be expensive than buy things of no value. when i left my old house, i threw out a lot of things which were not that expensive (most of them were like $1000 or so) plus they were destroyed by my kids who clawed at them and as my husband was a neanderthal with no artistic bone, he didn’t want us to pay a lot of money for things and yes of course he did have a point, in that they completely destroyed our very expensive furniture after which, he put his foot down.  now i am an artist, i like to surround myself with aesthetically pleasing stuff and beautiful art, but i put up with this shit and nonsense, primarily because he was the bacon bringer aka he worked while i was pursuing my ph.d. now that he isn’t here to stop me, plus i’m bringing the vegan bacon home, i got back into acquiring stuff. i thought i wouldn’t buy things till i bought a house, on account that i don’t want to have a lot of things to move, but recently i realized that if you pass up on a chance to get something you may lose them as i had my eye on this really rich french draperies which i loved to bits and i put them in my wish list but someone bought them. so i adjusted my thought processes and decided i will buy the things which i fall in love with even if i have to put them all in storage. hence when i saw this beautiful french provincial sofa, i ordered it as well as a beautiful mosaic lamp from turkey and goddamn, fedex was pretty fast in delivering but they were supposed to be delivered on a weekday and so i had to actually convince fedex to let me pick them up on sunday (on account saturday is sabbath and we rest). the boy borrowed a pickup truck from a friend (he drives porsche cayenne, which is like really sexy) and we went and loaded the sofa from france and the lamp from turkey.

so the sofa and the lamp are sitting in the living room, all out of the box but my downstairs currently looks like a tornado ripped zone on account that in anticipation of spring, i have been buying all kinds of plants, indoor and outdoor but they are all currently indoor and i also order things online (pet food, other stuff) and they are all sitting in unopened boxes as yours truly is not very domestic at all and i would rather read or frolic with my cats or play games or watch movies or have sex and not interested in cooking or cleaning and also my maid has gone to her country for a vacation and she would have put them in a neat order and in the meantime, i have been lightly cleaning around the house with a broom but i really need to get someone to come and mop the whole house. i think i need to hire a housekeeper so he/she can also do my laundry and do my grocery shopping for fruits and veggies.

once i assemble them and have my living room to some semblance of an order, i will post the photos as i can’t tell you, how pleased i am with my finds.

this weekend we sat and watched some true crime shows and the

life lessons from true crime shows :

your spouse will murder you / if you’re not married, don’t worry, your lover will murder you / single people shouldn’t feel left out: the stalker, the checkout boy — even the cop who pulled you over — these are only a few of the countless local creeps just dying for a chance to murder you ! / yes all men, statistically speaking, are probably going to murder you / if anyone other than your insurance agent inquires about your life insurance, they’re definitely going to murder you / don’t live in midwest, lest you die violently in midwest, where everyone gets killed by murder / just don’t be a woman

i love murder mysteries (agatha christie being my favorite) and i’m partial to bbc series and i pretty much am in love with a lot of bbc detectives like, poirot, morse, endeavor, and recently i was watching vienna blood (a murder mystery on pbs masterpiece) and this was set in the late 18th century / beginning of 19th century where there are a few references to sigmund freud, beethoven, mahler and i was watching with the boy and i was pretty much orgasming aloud and cooing at the show and how much i would love to live during those times in vienna and being able to attend those concerts (assuming i have beaucoup d’argent) and boy was nodding his head in agreement, and as we got deeper into the story they were showing how they treated patients and we both looked at each other and went”NO” uh, huh, scientifically speaking those were dark ages and yes, i agree that we made lots of progress but man, they were barbaric in their practices. i think eastern medicine during those times was way better and actually i prefer natural remedies anytime and if i haven’t already said this i am a vegetarian for that sole reason and i am careful with my eating habits.

also pbs airs a lot of ‘walter presents’ (i often wondered who this walter may be & i googled and i question his taste in murder mysteries as they are pretty much made for people with low iq) which are very comical and they are usually either french, spanish or dutch.and i usually watch them my language skills for spanish and french) and one time i watched this french murder mystery and it was ridiculous as they kept trying to twist the plot over and over again i was having giggle fits but i did finish watching it.

i’ve had a long and strange unsettling week. but also had a few strong moments of positivity which i’m holding on to. grateful for my safe home, fabulous sunny weather, cats, friends, laughter and for doing years of often hard ugly boring self-care so even my bad weeks are easier to turn around. everywhere i go i live in peace

i’m known for being upright, raw, deep, caring, fearless. i’ve been through hell numerous times and kept fighting (let it be suicide, anxiety, fear) when giving in would have been so much easier. i change constantly. after all that time, i trust, love, care for myself, deeply. i’m so proud of who i am. i have no idea where i’m going, but i’m on my way. and i’m not going to let my fear stop me.

and, good lord, what a fantastic feeling !

je t’en brasse !

simpler times


hey, you lovely people of the internet, i thought i’d like to post a lil life update, because i’m just very content these days

firstly a lil shout out to my hair which transforms itself into a 40s or 50s do & no, i didn’t do this on purpose as trying to achieve this do on purpose never works.

due to personal reasons, as in lack of motivation and more interesting distractions, i haven’t been very active lately and all through the month of may i walked around with my edges curled with insurmountable sadness.

apart from that, i’ve been going out a lot lately. i started dating some new people, which is becoming more and more time consuming but i’m also very happy at the moment. lots of dreamy, surreal nights, and tonight, as we had free ice cream for dinner at a new bar in my neighbourhood, it finally started to feel like summer 🌼

i kind of realized that i’m not giving myself a chance at happiness and so new people (age is no more relevant) if they can hold my attention by conversing with me intelligently and if they want to go out for a dinner or coffee, i’m saying yes. but as i’m not seriously looking for a mate, i’m having a ball & have rules for the blokes…ie have to be an active christian and a sabbath keeper. as coelo puts it, i closed some doors not because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance but simply because they lead me nowhere

italian and i raced our cars recently on memorial day weekend and it was super fun ! thinking of finally getting my passport done so i can get away for a weekend or two and also as my dates are offering to fly me out here or there and oh why not as long as i get back before my kids start missing me – but i don’t think i would do any of that fun traveling at least this year tho.

but before any of that, i’m so looking forward to a camping trip in june ! i can’t wait to go back and trek on appalachian mountains ! there’s nothing more dreamy than camping and dancing (it would just be me) and getting wild in the nature together with my church folks.

my boys warriors have over come all kinds of odds and are crowned as the western conference champs and are sitting pretty and though i am pleased that raptors are in finals and tho they have parallels with warriors, i still think my boys will prevail and take the championship with steph curry as mvp… durant is still out. all in all it should be a great basketball event and i still would love it even if warriors lose (think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts).

i recently started reading arundhati roy’s “the god of small things” and gosh this book tho ! i am totally speechless and my eyes are misting with happy memories when i read through the book especially those parts which evoke memories of my childhood (as the book is set in india). but this book itself is sad. as it’s my habit, whenever i love something, i tend to savor it slower than i want to and thus extend my pleasure and so i would read a lot of pages in a bit and then i force myself to not touch the books and then i ruminate on the passages which i just read through. i keep wondering how long did it take her to write this book as each and every sentence is packed with meaning.

i watched a great amazon series “fleabag” – it’s about badass women like me who have gone through a lot and have hard time doing anything other than exactly what they want to do !!

my vegan diet has ups and downs – up as i am making an effort to cook and eat healthy and down because somedays i just don’t have motivation and i find myself eating goddamn french fries. oh i got myself a case of mangoes and the smell of the mangoes !! it’s something else, i keep getting transported back to my childhood days of eating indian mangoes (these are mexican) pregnant with sweet nectar and enchanted smells… the hot summers in india… the dry dusty roads, sleepy afternoons, the sugar cane man who comes in the afternoons, the big ass blue bottle flies attracted to the rotting fruits, and me up a mango tree with a book and a cat ! am i getting old and nostalgic ? perhaps…

so i fitted another puzzle piece to my asthma… i figured my breathing if shallow and off as, a while ago i had panic attacks and dreaded breathing, and this rendered my diaphragm weak and nonfunctional. i started working on my chest and diaphragm during my free times, or whenever i get a chance, i started to work on my breathing and on strengthening my diaphragm.

i guess all that pollen & humidity and so i gave in a took a course of steroids – while i was on steroids, (oral), i’m almost panicky because i know that bloating & weight comes back – and one of those days, here i was having that inner battle with myself when american boy came bouncing to my desk demanding why i scheduled a particular meeting when he will be away in july – i was almost saintly even though i really wanted to slap him back into his place. but i decided i will be an adult & dealt with him while grinding my teeth.

train journey now-a-days is painful as it’s getting hotter and the train cars are fewer and we are all getting packed in like fish in a sardine can. the other day, a man smelling of cigarette smoke came and sat in the seat behind me and i can still smell him. i was still thinking about if i should move and getaway from this ashtray and not give myself a cancer when a woman came and sat next to me (i was on the aisle side and she was in the middle of a three seat) and i swear, she smelled of stale cunt and i was thinking what were you doing before you actually got on the train ? so here i was caught between an ashtray and a day-old cunt and i was completely immobilized with these smells and only saving grace was the guy in my opposite seat with who i was playing tag with our eyes. and a few weeks ago, i was on a late train and this guy comes and sits next to me with really strong perfume & oh lord, i was sick to my stomach and nauseous and for the rest of my train ride, i contemplated whether or not to throw up on him or not.

after memorial day, two days in a row, i got home to tornado warnings & soaked to skin… i was a bit panicky as i have 17 cats and i wasn’t sure how to get them into a closed room – my friend was telling me, get into the bathtub with them, and then he adds, preferably a bathtub without water… le bastard !

lavender skies are spreading about as i settle down to watch the game 2 of the basketball. i’ve been dancing with the shadows and i’ve been wasting my time just to see happiness crawl back into bed. i’ve been there and done that. i’ve tried everything just to understand how i should act when i no longer know myself. i’ve been through so much as of late… i do feel like it’s not possible to love myself sometimes… but when i remember your kindness. it does it get better. i’ll always try to keep my demons at bay. i want to take you with me to all the places i go inside my head, but i bruised my lips saying your name. if hell lives in the gap created when i lost you, and still you are in my dreams, like it’s rea. and i know that moonlight only dances when it’s shining in your eyes, and though i’m only whole when you’re beside me, you still take all the air with you when you leave. like i have loved you a hundred years ago, and i have flashbacks from the love i lost. i know we spend half of our lives searching for a soulmate and heart breaks when we least expect it, but i have been lucky as the right person found me. you’re still someone i write about, but i’m all out of prayers – please fold my hands.

the phoenix

the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convincing us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is one delicate touch away from changing.

spring is here and i’m elated. i’m totally engrossed in working on my body, my projects, sports (basketball).

today i got my annual health checkup results and i’m the poster child of health, yo ! on the plus side, all my numbers are where they should fall, but on the negative side, my values for vitamins like b12, vitamin d have fallen as these come from mainly animal products. not to mention the goddamn fat percentage…. but whateves !

exercise-wise, my body is shaping up nicely… my boobs are firmer and perkier, my bum is getting into a nice round shape, my abs are still squishy but firming up slowly… i keep telling myself, patience and patience. i wish i could increase my workout time a lot more, but it’s hard for now as i still have weak lungs and now that i’m a vegan it’s trying to figure out the right supplements and eating the correct food groups everyday.

i am pretty sure my neighbor is stalking me… not like a creepy, i will hold you in my basement stalking way, but more like i have a crush on you kind of a way. one day i just came home and he came out with some excuse and of course, i introduced myself (i’m not a neanderthal) and he offered to shovel my snow…. this was when we still had snow. i told him no, thank you. i said no as he has a girl friend, and people are crazy and i don’t want some crazy bitch come after me and cut my face, or shoot me or worse, kill my cats. and hence his crush stalking. lol what’s with men anyway ? if you are looking at another woman, you know you are in a wrong relationship and why are you hanging on to a sinking ship… i do hope the sex is great for you to put up with shitty relationships (i’m sorry but i always think of sex more than i think of anything else, oh only next to my cats… and books… ). i have a rule, i don’t get involve with anyone who is not free. also, he is a professional baseball player (now coaching) and he has a daughter and he is cute with a beard, but i hate baseball.

speaking of which, my friends weren’t happy that i’m not involved with anyone and especially me not pursuing american boy. i’m like what do you want me to do, flash my pantyless crotch at him ? i’m happier when i am not in any relationship and i’m nursing a goddamned broken heart. what if missing you never stops ? instead of trying to fill up the hole you left, i will plant flowers on its edges and watch them grow. because time will never heal wounds (they lied), but time will make it easier to cope. easier to live life as i knew it before you.

so much for me deciding that i won’t date for a while. yesterday i got home, fed my kitties, and went out again, as i have to buy some food stuff. so of course, i was speeding as per usual, with my windows down, my hair blowing in the wind, singing at the top of my lungs to french pop which is blasting loudly and i’m happy… and then this other tricked up car started drag racing and lol, of course, i took the challenge and we both were speeding and then at the red light, he started talking to me telling me that he loves my car and i returned the compliment. and then he followed me to the giants where he bought me a bouquet of flowers telling me he would like to drag race me. he is italian (freshly imported) and i would have loved him to be french but close enough ! i love romance and i love the fact that he chased me and gave me flowers ! and yes, i’m gonna go on a date with him this weekend, what choice do i have, he compared me to monica bellucci !! she is a goddess and i’m preening;  and we will race against each other during the memorial day weekend. it’s been a while since i have raced and i have to get my car checked and probably write a will leaving my cats to some one

other miscellaneous things: last weekend, i finally went and checked out the trails in the woods and it’s beautiful ! i love the fresh air and walking on still crunchy leaves.

i drove into work today as i have to meet the “eyetalian” for a coffee after work and while driving into the city, i saw “let notre dame burn” on a bus shelter. i’m not the one who gets emotional over anything getting destroyed except that the building has history and no i don’t believe that they have the “thorn crown” which jesus wore when he was crucified as catholic church is best in propagating false christianity. and this is for you… there is no reference to lent in bible and christians who follow all these pagan rituals in the name of christianity make me sad. they don’t keep sabbath, which is one of the ten commandments, but they eat unclean foods like pork, shellfish, and celebrate the pagan fertility festivals like easter and christmas. (also ps: i love talking to you in between these lines).

american boy surprised me by telling me (i asked) he watches peaky blinders and i thought to myself, if he ever ends up in my bed, (he probably would be eating something) & i’ll be holding a cat or two in my arms), we can at least discuss this as there are very few things which are common between us.

recently, a friend of mine told me that he is moving away as he took another job. and he asked me what are you going to do when i go away ? i didn’t tell him this, but i’m used to people leaving me. i’m like a tree rooted in place and everything else changes around me like seasons.

time ! the bane of our existence… time wears us out like pebbles shaped by constant kisses of the sea. it smooths our edges, allows us grow into different people. sometimes things just work a lot better the second time round. at least that’s what we should believe. sometimes we need space to evolve and to become who we really meant to be. and to become who they mean to me. and eventually, everything falls into place, even if its many years down the road…