week 16 – shelter in place

sitting on the kitchen counter, eating salted caramel ice cream (vegan of course) and listening to bach. i call that self-care

it’s been a while since i got to blog. my brain was taking notes but i didn’t get a chance to actually put them somewhere tangible. so life is going by with no ripples of any kind and i settled into a new pattern and enjoying life in its full glory.

of course life as such isn’t devoid of unpleasant stuff or anxieties but i have overcome them. i had to take care of two sick kitties, and one of them was zz, who was severely dehydrated. i wasn’t paying attention to his condition as i was told by my other vet that he has a chronic prob (or so i was told) where he regularly has coughing fits which ends up in him throwing up and nothing to worry about. oh well, i thought, as he was eating well and so apart from having to see him coughing so violently and feeling sorry that i couldn’t help him, i wasn’t paying attention. i give some milk to another one of my kitties for reasons and z boy helped himself to some of the milk as well. on top of this, i recently got my kids another variety of fancy feast dry food as their regular food isn’t available. all these ended up with him having diarrhea and as he already has his usual vomiting probs, the wee kid ended up with dehydration by the time i noticed. so i took him to the vet and got him some fluids but as he was severely dehydrated, i had to take him to get fluids every day for a whole week. and in the meantime, his appetite wasn’t great and so i had to feed him every couple of hours, a few bites each time so he wouldn’t throw up. and this whole thing got me so exhausted. my current vet told me that she would like to come back as kitty in my house in her next life lol.

and now z boy is a happy kitty, and after he got better, wouldn’t leave my side which makes me tear-up.

every day, early morning and evening hours my two boys (minnu and sonu) and i go out into our backyard, and while they contemplate on life and stuff in the great outdoors, i read books or garden.

i have become nostalgic for my home back in india and so i am recreating the garden of my parents home or i should say my mother’s garden. so i bought all these plants which we had and i am brimming with joy with anticipation of seeing my plants bloom as these are still seedlings. as these are tropical plants, i have to plant them in pots so i can move them indoors when it’s winter.

the other great endeavor i have taken upon is ‘orchids’ !! i want to have a green house at some point in my life and i thought of waiting till i buy my dream house which is currently eluding me, but i realized that time is going by so fast and i should do things i love now rather than wait. so i got myself some orchids, no greenhouse yet, and my time is now consumed in taking care of these guys along with my cats. but man, tho i love all plants, i am partial to orchids.

my garden is growing and my wild flowers started blooming and attracting the butterflies and i am pleased. i want more flowers but as i planted them late i shouldn’t blame them. on the whole my plants and my cats are making me incredibly happy.

alas the boy and i called it quits (or a pause) as it is pointless for me to drag him along as i have no intention of settling down with him. we are still friends (and may be with benefits) but i am cooling it a bit as not having sex doesn’t kill anyone.

i started re-reading adventures of tintin. and just for kicks, i also started rewatching movies my husband and i watched the cube movies, the english patient, session 9, etc. speaking of movies, i finally watched “sophie’s choice” as i always heard people use that phrase and they explained to me what it meant and now that i actually watched it,  i think people use “it’s like sophie’s choice” incorrectly. it actually means:

your children have died and your only choice left is death / suicide because you have no way out from your past, your pain, or the future. 

it doesn’t mean:

making a difficult choice or being unable to choose;  or going along blindly with the crowd or signing up for something you were reluctant about

on a side note, i know human race is evil and i just can’t grasp how anyone can harm someone else on purpose much less kill them and appalls me when little boys kill insects in particularly torturous ways. and so i can never understand how someone can kill small kids no matter what they thought like genocide, or wiping out a line so they don’t comeback for revenge. i keep thinking that such people, when they stand before god, how are they going to justify their actions and if anyone so much as say something like “god in the old testament was a very wrathful god and they did the same things”, i will slap you for your ignorance because god doesn’t change and he is full of love and merciful.

it also made me think about the #metoo movement which is a farce in itself because it was more about hating men than about being a woman which is sad. i keep thinking of the pivotal scene in sophie’s choice where she picks her son to keep over her daughter when forced to choose between them. i’ve noticed that a lot of women will often side with men and boys over their own gender. not always, but many times they will; far more often, it seems, than men will side with women over other men. i don’t think it’s an american thing, or a western thing, but i think it’s a human thing. even in children, boys are favored than girls. and a woman would go through the pains of pregnancy a hundred times to conceive a boy, like he will save her ! i don’t know if it’s cultural conditioning, or some kind of mass stockholm syndrome, or hormones, or something woven into our dna, or what; but it just seems when the chips are down and they have to choose, many women are more likely to side with men to the exclusion of other women, while men are more likely to stick together at the exclusion of women. hopefully this is less common than it seems, and if not, i sure hope it is fading away from our species.

stick together ladies. many of my fellow males will do whatever they can to keep women second class citizens with less wealth, less power, less say, than men have. if you divide yourselves for their favor, they will always have an unfair upper hand. and of course, as always there are exceptions to the rule and there are a few good men and my husband & my lovers included in that roll call and the rest of them are bastards.

now it’s quiet as we hush through glaring summer days as tho it’s winter and full of broken mirrors. silence is numbing down our brains. as i blink, looking into your tired eyes it’s all white around here, like it’s all snow and fairy dust, all collar bones and angles and angels and cotton

in the subtle changes over time, of a love that ebbs and flows, with wild flowers intertwined. i am trying to capture natures beauty through lens, or with cathartic writing. a kaleidoscope of alluring hues reflecting in droplets of morning dew. i can’t keep my eyes open in the glare of the summer light. remember how it used to be when it was warm enough for rain ? the rain washed away today’s scorching summer, to introduce a fragranced cool air in a delicate way. i am nostalgic for mangoes and lychees. but there’s not a soul in this lonely maze of void and emptiness – quiet, dear, for this must be the end of the world again but as someone said (campbell ?) the goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.

week 11 – shelter in place

encouraged by the new app i got, as i wanted to do a sugar detox (kill me now please), i tried some new recipes and i quickly found myself hopelessly lost in a wonderland of bad decisions.

i got this app to track my macro-nutrients as i always consume less than what i need in a day not because i was dieting but because i am by nature lazy to eat and so i end up eating nutritionally imbalanced food. as we are staying home i thought i would improve my eating habits by tracking my food intake and believe it or not i was not only undereating calorically speaking, but am horribly imbalanced in my consumption of macros, over consuming carbs (well i eat a lot of rice), less protein and just the right amount of fats. my caloric intake is still less but the nutrient balance has improved considerably and also my water intake.

the bitch app always gives me a blue :/ (speechless emoji) as i am either under caloric or not enough balance, nutritionally speaking. interestingly, i find that getting up to the required 600 calories for lunch or dinner is very hard and i mean, i eat the same amount which i used to (now kind of balanced) and it’s like 200 calories. what the actual fuck ! and to top it, the protein content is no where near and i can only eat so many eggs in a day. so i started making protein jellies (20 cals / jelly) still less but i can either eat as snack or put them in breakfast bowls.

on sunday my neighborhood did an organized protest regarding the death of george floyd and i, as usual, missed it (i later saw the note my neighbors stuck in my screen door informing me of the protest and to come by). actually i also missed the whole thing about his death on account i stopped watching news a while ago, as now a days the news were about covid19 and how everyone is dealing with it in their own stupid way, and yours truly gets really bored with cheesy emotions humans portray… i am not sorry about missing out on the news of his death but i am sorry that he had to die unnecessarily and how stupid this whole racism is and people have no sense and mind you, i won’t take sides on this shit because americans (and probably the whole goddamn world) are goddamn racists, whites and blacks and the others (indians, chinese, etc). what irritates me the most is that they pretend that they are not racists and that they are ok but their actions speak the loudest. i think racism stems from selfishness and it is based on not being cultured or educated enough. i am not talking about degrees, i am talking about reading and obtaining knowledge and expanding ones horizons and not having the same amoeba brain one is born with. anyway, for some reason, i went by my window and i saw a police car and i thought it was weird and may be it was by mistake  (because the other day there was a fire episode and the fire engines came into my neighborhood with all the sounds and bells and whistles, disturbing our precious naps, and it was a mistake and our neighbors have to reroute them to the correct location). and lo, i saw my a few of my neighbors taking a knee and some standing with posters and i wondered, ‘couldn’t you have gone on to the road (route 100) is just a few yards away’ and my kitty boy pepper, who was lounging on the sill looked at me with questioning eyes as if to say “what the hell is this and who disturbs my nap’ and i answered ‘i got no clue’.

and then this happened. the other day the temps went up to 80ish and all the young girls in the neighborhood stripped down to their undies and played with water. i watched them interestingly and considered our cultural differences and how my parents would have beaten us to a pulp if we went outdoors in our petticoats.  the nextdoor neighbor (a divorced woman with a girl) had some people come by (are we done with quarantine now ?) and the girls were playing with water and i was upstairs and looked into their yard and then i noticed that the girls had something like a dildo in their hands, which they fill with water and squirt (?). i was horrified and my brain said no this can’t be true and i observed closely and almost got my binoculars out, when i realized that they were actually toy crayons – large, dildo look alike crayons. i cracked myself up and told myself that i have a dirty mind.

it’s late and i have to prepare the ingredients for tomorrows meals; thinking of making green protein smoothie for brekkie, mixed vegetable omelette for lunch, stuffed tomatoes for dinner and very importantly mixed berry compote for dessert.  it’s going to be a good day !!

week 7- shelter in place

schrodinger virus

this cartoon just about sums up our existence ! another blissful week of solitude, sex and lots of cursing.

this week’s accomplishments included in actually finding a carton of toilet paper, yay me ! i didn’t actually needed it but while i was doing my biweekly supply run and stocking up on coffee and as it was there, it was perfect.

oh i had to bring my kitty to a nearby vet (my actual vet is about an hour away) for an ear infection and this was so weird as we are doing our social distancing; when i arrived at the hospital i called them, and the tech came out and took the baby in (and poor kid he was crying) and the doctor, called me on phone and put me on speaker while examining him, and i was explaining the symptoms etc and we ended the call with “hopefully we will see each other soon”. i paid for the services with a credit card from the parking lot. so much fun ! they may become my primary vet for my kids.

the boy finally got his steaks (both beef and salmon); i prepared and cooked him a steak on stove top in a pan as i don’t usually use oven a lot. usually i marinate the steak at least a day in indian spices and the boy loved it ! this week, i also gave in and had a tuna salad sandwich which was quite strange for me to eat but i was sick of eating the same veggies all the time and also sick of eggs and also the tuna salad has more mayo than tuna i think. i make extremely good and tasty tuna salad sandwiches, truly the ideal quarantine food packed with protein and pickles and a bunch of secret spices, and my boy will never know what he’s missing because he is an insane person who refuses to eat anything that is even remotely mayonnaise adjacent.

also i am thinking probably by the end of the quarantine i would be approx. 400 lbs and round because of all the prednisone and it is all my cunning plan to save money on transit expenses as the rounder i get, all i need to do is roll myself to the office !

i also watched “into the night” (belgian tv series) and i thought it was really a well thought sci-fi show. while we have our own problems with the sars -cov2, the earth is benefiting the most what with the air pollution decreasing and ozone layer is actually resealing ! in a way this virus helped humans but what with humans are the stupidest species on the planet, this gain is short lived.

boy and i are planning to watch eta aquariids meteor showers in the coming days and hopefully the skygods will be benevolent and we will have clear skies. for this we have to get up around 3 a.m. and i think it is going to be fun as now a days my circadian rhythm is fucked, and i am sleeping around 2 a.m. and getting up around 7 a.m.

they say love is shared oranges, like fingers stained with nectarine juice and sticky kisses. they say love is laughter and sunshine and the summer sun caressing your face and gentle breeze blowing your hair.

but my love has never been quite that pure. my love is a little bit more like bloody lips and feral smiles and love bites. like if someone who can finally match my darkness. my love is a wild thing, like thunder and tornadoes, like drenching in the rain, soaked to the bone. love is kisses that taste like lightning.

there are divine things more beautiful than we can even imagine.

week 6 – shelter in place

i used to start an email with “hello” or “hi” but now a days it’s “i hope your family and you are well” and clearly i feel a bit hypocritical as obviously i don’t give that many fucks if they are well or not and also obviously i would have heard about it if they aren’t. yours truly is slowly turning into a lazy, slow bean with crusted crankiness and i have feeling that i may also be morphing into a cat.

speaking of cats, you know how parents buy same thing for all their kids as they think that the kids would fight ? i have realized that i’m doing the same but not one each for my kitties but one for them and one for me as my kids emulate me in every thing. like seriously every thing ! if i get myself a bowl of cereal, they want the same, so i am a bit hesitant to give them almond milk, so i get them a bowl of cereal (a few flakes) with half & half; and they want my ipad when i want to read, so then can play, and now i have two ipads (don’t ask)… a pillow for me and a pillow for them as they would like to sleep on the pillow ! well you get the picture.

i’ve been observing my kitties a lot, and the way they eat their meal; so much class ! they take delicate, tiny mouthfuls, eyes half closed in savoring the pleasure of the moment, and pausing to make sure their faces and mouths are clean between the mouthfuls, and cleaning around their mouths with a little toss of their heads, and then once finished, they try to bury the food….. they are kind to each other and grooming each other with such tenderness. obviously, they also have moments, when they try and swipe at each other.

i’m seriously running out of projects to do as it’s still cold to put my plants out and plant the bulbs. i have been cooking and experimenting with various stuff for example, i made tortilla española, the other day and as i have no cheddar cheese i put brie and not a good combination i assure you. the boy ordered some steaks online (omaha steaks) thinking he will get them immediately and his face, lmao, was so funny when he found out that the delivery date is may 1. serves him right for eating the flesh of an animal.

i recently started watching “the expanse” after trying to not watch it for a long time as it’s more political than i would like in sci-fi stories as i would like shows which explore alien worlds and come in contact with aliens instead of trying to not wage wars with your species who colonized in other worlds. but i must say, it is gripping to an extent and didn’t bore me a lot. i especially liked the usage of “donkey balls” as one of the code words for martian black ops. lol also crushing on the outfits of chrisjen avesarala though, gosh, hate her grating voice.

and the boy has been watching i, claudius and despite my best efforts not to educate myself or enrich my life in any way, i find the show hard to ignore, and i’ve even been accidentally enjoying it sometimes, mostly because it has brian blessed featured extremely prominently, acting the way brian blessed always acts, and i mean, one cannot simply look away from brian blessed

we all like to complain about this quarantine but for some people, these times are much more difficult to manage. tonight, we think of them.

there are so many small things to be grateful for – aliveness, safety, people we love -our days are being spent reading, sitting on the threshold of the french doors in the sun, drinking coffee and playing as much music as we can. we sing and dance and go for walks and open our windows and lie in bed listening to the birds.

in the evenings we sometimes call our friends and families to say hello. boy kept some of the notes which i gave him, and he kept the note “see you friday, love you !” tucked in the bathroom mirror.

i’ve taken on new projects hoping they will fill my time enough to not worry. i sorted through all the books. i am reading the things i was putting off. our tiny home is a happy place but growing small; i’m trying to see new corners all the time.

week 4 – shelter in place

pink moon

only to the moon will i tell all my secrets. this week’s highlights in some pictures. there was pink super moon and because of the weather,i took this shot of the moon on 8th i think.

some of the excerpts from my kids photos. my kids finally stopped judging me silently for staying home 24 / 7 instead of going to work and toiling to bring home their roast chicken; my kids though eyed me suspiciously, soon realized the benefits of me being home, like they can get food every two minutes.

i have taught my baby girl skittles to play the ipad mouse game and she taught the other kids…. well there isn’t much to the game but you do have to whack the mouse and i taught her that and she immediately learned as she is immensely smart and i swear to god she actually understands human language more than a few words like the other pets. i am also convinced that despite the language barrier, if i send her to school, she will master the program within few months and graduate with honors. i am immensely proud of that kid.

my boy sonu (the black kitty) is the best son a mum could have. zz, the tiny moron, still does the “i want my mum” routine where he regularly forgets that i’m upstairs and cries his heart out, and as he can’t hear on account he is deaf, i have to go and bring him upstairs (and he sleeps like this with one hand on my body);

IMG_1645

one day instead of getting up and run to the head of the stairs to let him know i’m home, i asked sonu, my lovely son, who is resting beside me, to go get him; i went, “sonu love, could you go bring him upstairs” and off sonu went and brought him upstairs which really surprised me to be honest. i thought this may be random thing but then again a couple of days later, mr. forgot-mum-is-home-so-i’ll-cry resumed crying, and i asked sonu again, and off sonu went to bring the boy upstairs. and this time around sonu wasn’t even in the same room and so i had to actually call him loudly. it made me tear up to be honest as sometimes i feel the emptiness of not having a human child (that is till i meet an actual human child and then i don’t regret not having any kids) as i think, my babies make it up thousand fold !

i continued to watch “walter presents” and for once, i found a tv show (icelandic) “the cliff” really worth watching and didn’t giggle at all like i always do. i also watched “the killing of the sacred deer” which made no fucking sense and i may also have thrown up a little in my mouth.  there is a new mystery featuring david tennant, my favorite doctor (doctor who) but it is in goddamn installments and i must wait every week.and oh, i purchased (from amazon) all the miyazaki (studio ghibli) movies as i never get tired of them and i enjoy watching them over and over. as also i enjoy reading adventures of tin tin (and i own the entire set of books) and asterix (again own the entire set), i sometimes wonder if i got stuck in my childhood and of course it doesn’t surprise me a bit on account of lost and traumatic childhood where it’s not so much of parental stress but mostly of society. that story for a non-quarantine times.

this weekend, we enjoyed my sunny, quiet backyard during this time of distance. reflecting on my own mind, which i have silenced with a constant business. as difficult as this all had been, i am looking to stay positive and focusing on healing. reopening my mind and challenging it without expectation.

i have spent such a long time standing in place, only moving forward when propelled and prompted. the past might continue to splinter me here and there, but i’m no longer young and naive to remain still and fractured in my little corner of the world. we wander around often blindly like our eyes still feel the sting from the voices who told us we were too much and yet not enough. our backs hunched and our hands covered with burned loves and still questioning how to stop the tremors. the young years have crippled us, left us mad and doubtful right in the margin between an old memory and a blooming possibility. you’re going to survive all of this, i urged quietly to my wrists, lips pressed against the scars. listen, i used to only know how to dissolve so quietly that no one else can feel it, but i think i’m learning how to compromise less and expand more.

week 3 – shelter in place

we are living in a world of sorrows and a valley of many many tears; tears for us, tears for others; i keep chanting, wake up early; exercise; drink good coffee; stop worrying; less screen time. read books, buy books. have a bowl of honey nut oats !

this week was ok and a bit anxiety stricken when my lungs tightened. here’s a fun fact. i’m never sure if my anxiety makes my lungs tighten giving me asthma or if my asthma, gives way to my anxiety and in a way they both are correct and it is like ouroboros. anyway, one thing i’m sure is when it’s goddamn humid out my lungs tighten and like a cat i always map an escape route, but this covid-19 situation put a spanner in my plans as i would rather not go to a hospital anytime soon, and i’m not sure my panicking brain would like that idea.

i had a mild anxiety attack because i was thinking about the hospitals and emergency rooms and how they must resemble a war zone like this show m.a.s.h which i watched ages ago, and how they must be overflowing with these covid-19 people and when i was young, i also spent a fortnight in an emergency area of a hospital (on account i was involved in an accident when my classmates and i went to north india for an field trip and i was so far away from my family or my hometown; and i get to see all kinds of farm accidents, burnt victims, etc) and i also overthought about how if i can’t subside my asthma i may have to go to the hospital (also because my inhaler is on back order; and also the boy was’t home) – fun times !

it is breaking my heart to read about so many unnecessary deaths and all because humans have this need to eat the flesh of animals ! and to top it off, why the fuck people not care about staying home just a few days to contain this ? on friday evening i was in my back yard with my boy kitties, so they can get fresh air and my neighbors were going on a walk together, together !! as if nothing is the matter and they invited me to go with them ! any other time, it’s fine but now a days a big fucking no ! i don’t want to come in contact with someone who i don’t live with. sorry ! i don’t know about all of you, but i have been doing shopping every two weeks ! i order a lot of things for delivery but majority of stuff i get in every two weeks so as to minimize my coming in contact with anyone (exception to this is i go to get veggies every couple of days but this is very late at night and i get in and out in 15 mins) – the two weeks period is so i can check for any symptoms developing just in case.

everything i buy (delivery & things i pickup) i scrub with paper towels soaked in soapy water. scrub scrub i go, the door handles and refrigerator handles, etc. the same goes to the financial times paper i subscribe. before i go out, i deposit fresh clothes by the door and once i get my stuff inside, i shed my clothes, wash hands, put on fresh clothes and toss the clothes in wash.

i have always been a germophobe and i went through phases where i carried my cell phone in ziplock bags (when i was working with hiv, hbv pathogens) and washed my hands raw with alcohol.

who knew life would be like this just because humans eat animal flesh ! i honestly feel like i am living through the scenes of walking dead (tho no zombies and thank the fuck people didn’t turn into zombies) when i go out late, no one is about except for a few people here and there in my neighborhood. mind you, i’m not complaining.

my pastor and elders check in on their congregation and they have a huge reservation about this boy i’m dating. their reservations are he is young and not a believer. and my reservation is he is not a believer. but whenever i look at him, i feel like peeling the layers of his brain to find out why he likes me as i try and keep people at bay, not giving an ounce of warmth till i actually get close to them and getting anyone close to me takes a few days to a few years ! it’s not like he has an ulterior agenda like he loves me because of money (as he makes more than i make) or because i’d make a trophy wife, though i could have been one but i chose academia over superficiality and to top it off, i’ve been a card carrying feminist since i was 15 and i never aspired to belong to a sorority. a slight tangent, what’s wrong with this country ? why do they strive so much to attract men and become fucking cheerleaders ? i heard that marilyn monroe had an iq of 145 or something but excuse me, any woman who has that high of an iq would never bleach her hair blonde, or bat her eye lashes to woo men and talk with barbie like voice and become a doormat for men who just want to use her. (the boy who is reading next to me is cheering me on and is telling me that he will bleach his hair blond for me and will bat his lashes; and i told him that he can suck my proverbial dick) i have been blessed in that i attract real good blokes who love my mind more than my looks and i can’t be thankful enough. this boy is loving and kind and witty;  one time someone asked me why i always keep my hair up (i don’t like to keep it down as i’ve awful lot of hair and i don’t like to brush and so after i wash my hair i wear it up) and the boy went, winking at her, “her hair comes down during the right times” and we all giggled like school girls ! but i still would like him to be a believer, keeping the sabbath, returning the tithes to god (and a vegetarian).

i have been aggressively buying stocks (i bought a bunch of tech stocks this week) with every penny i am saving and i decided i will continue to invest till end of july and in a couple of years i will be able to reap the cash.

we caved and ordered “contactless delivery” pizzas and gosh what a world we live in. i have reverted to the eating habits of my childhood; eat a complete meal including dessert, and coffee around 9 pm. also watched “nightflyers” on netflix and it was silly but interesting. as i haven’t born or raised in this country, i decided i will watch some old shows and started watching “green acres” (which is oodles of fun), and “alf” and lord, alf is really repetitive and not at all my cup of tea.

and oh, this week’s highlights include me cutting my own hair and trying to coax the boy to wax my lady bits as all this hair is annoying the hell out of me; so far he is not willing as he thinks he will hurt me. stay tuned !

there are beautiful things in the world worth fighting for. this long night we’ve come into, holds both nightmares and dreams; mark this passing as solemn time, to be energized, to adjust ourselves to what we should let go and what we should hold onto; all through this turmoil, let’s hope love will rise; bursting through these weeping tears, hope to shouts of transformation; hope our world will be a different place. a new season is dawning quickly for those who follow the pace and even though we can’t see the beauty of this seed, lo, it holds a brand-new way of life.

week 2 – shelter in place

“nous sommes en guerre” (we are at war). these were the words the french president macron pronounced, just after he announced the lock-down of the entire country. as i was watching the news, i got up to cut myself a piece of bread and ate it compulsively with some cheese. and then i cut another one, still eating it without thinking.  then i started biting my nails and felt my chest tight, and it reminded me of my not-so-old anxiety days. as the boy was watching news with me,  he was also talking on the phone with his own families, trying to manage his own stress. that restlessness feeling was growing stronger, my headache got worse, and this is when i realized that this whole situation was giving me too much anxiety. that’s when i realized i had to do something about it.

this situation is, to say at least, historical. the whole world is concerned. i mean, the last time something this huge happened was during the war ! and feeling a little (or really) overwhelmed is more than normal. however, i think we can all do our best to calm down and focus more on what’s important. so if you’ve been feeling really nervous lately, this post is for you.

watching the news is important for updates, but spending all of your days in front of the tv can quickly become overwhelming, especially when you’re also spending time on social media which is also full of (sometimes fake) news. try to turn off the tv and limit the time you spend on social media.. it’s ok to feel a bit of fomo when not being online 24/7, especially now that everyone is having a huge party on social media, but since we’re all going to spend the next weeks stuck at home, putting yourself a limit when it comes to social media is crucial if you don’t want to be nervous and bothered by the general atmosphere.

it is important to remember that even if the world outside is shut down and seems scary this is temporary and that we all should take this time apart to pause our lives for a moment. when we’re used to running from place to place and working with other people it can be quite difficult to slow down, but right now is a great time for introspection, and for raising self-awareness. so accept what is. literally, everyone is in the same situation as you.

use this time to get some rest. try to wake up naturally, take your time, don’t rush anything. you’ll be fine. be aware of your emotions. listen to what they have to teach you. you have now the time to get to know them better and working on letting them go.

remember the good news. 42% of confirmed cases of covid-19 are healing, which means that approx. 90.000 people in the world are doing great. and so are you.

today it was very foggy / misty and a bit chilli but i loved every moment of it.

this week was very productive. not having someone to clean the house was inconvenient and unfortunate but necessary is mother of invention (in my case, buying the already invented) and bought two robot vacuum cleaners (one for upstairs and one for downstairs) and they are fucking worth every penny i spent (i bought a bit expensive version which mops as well) and i highly recommend these appliances as oh ma god ! they are super efficient and cleaned the fuck out of my house. the only downside (?) was i had to put things in an order so that the robots have unhindered pathways. my wee units had different emotional response; some freaked out, some wanted to fight, some were curious, some (deaf ones) didn’t give a toss.

bought more plants and my landscaper will be dropping in sometime next week and so i can design a rain garden.

this week, i was asked to join a crowdfight covid19 research program where all the scientists volunteer their services and work on research/data. after my work, i chill watching news, have dinner and then work on the data analysis into wee hours in the morning which works fine as i don’t have to get up early to run to work. as i don’t belong to any lab, i am analyzing the data and making my observations, and recommendations and i feel awesome and totally useful to the society and not just occupy space and skin.

i probably put on more weight (if that is even possible as i already weigh a ton) thanks to regular meals the boy is cooking.

this afternoon after i came home from my run of picking up groceries from store, my kitty sonu ran off and jumped the fence to my neighbors, which was stressful to me and once he got back home, i had to stifle my urge to whup his cute little tush but instead gave him some roast chicken which i picked up for them anyway.

the relief of hearing rain and knowing the scent that will rise from the earth’s rich and sharp soil.  when the sighing has gone on so long that you wish you had bottled the rain that had fallen last time (last time, last month, last year) and the rain falls like this: a rhythmical silence on the grass but a constant reminder on the window pane like true love giggles, wiggles and then fades like the smoke against the glass.

perchance to dream

this week threw me in for a loop and it was all heartachy. i have to let go of another one of my babies and it broke my heart all over again. i became less selfish and learned to let go of them, but goddamnit, the void is immense and i feel like i can’t breathe. and the feeling is worse when my babies die suddenly with no illness symptoms.

anyway, the week was rough. i also had my health check-up and i passed all the numbers but my cholestorl number went beyond optimum and came goddamn close to 220. i think that is ok for now considering the high levels of stress and anxiety i was going though or may be me not going to gym #sidelook. but will sure to get it retested in a couple of months to make sure i’m not slacking off with my health.

in the meantime, my doc keeps pushing me to get therapy because after a long time, i told her what happened to me. i find it easier to write as i remove myself from this and write as a third party. but i know she is right as i have seriously been thinking about getting married as well; after my husband’s death i didn’t think of marriage or even relationship as even before his passing, life kept knocking me down, and i kept getting up only to get knocked down. honestly i didn’t have any strength left to care for someone else and also tbh it wasn’t easy to keep going. and the doctor keep pushing me to see someone to get therapy for reasons, as i have successfully detached myself from anything which would cause me pain or anxiety which includes any commitments to either people or things or places.

so i decided i should write down my feelings so you and i can read it, so i can face them, acknowledge them, confront them and analyse them as clearly, currently i am not. it’s been about 6 years since my husband’s death and i still don’t know how to process my own feelings. i am trained scientist, so i clinically diagnosed myself, separated them out and precipitated them in a dark corner. i can write about them, from an observer’s perspective. i’m able to offer myself a mirrored pool of thought, but i can’t feel them. i swallowed all of my feelings and survive on them. there have been days, weeks, when i refused to eat,unable stomach food because of the large stone of emotion i carry in my stomach.

but as i am thinking of letting someone into my life, and wanting to commit to a marriage, i want nothing more than to know this person, aka me, again. i hate myself for carrying this anger at myself, guilt and sadness. i can see clearly the sunny place beyond the gloom and darkness and i wish to be there, free. but i know i have to face this darkness, and go through it again, and expel the stormy clouds but i don’t know how. sometimes, i wonder if it is justified. is it ? i want to walk through life gushing with love for humans. i hate myself for having this darkness in my heart. i have contemplated ending my life more than once. i want to be in control of my entire existence.

i think it is only fair for this man, whoever it may be, who wants to be my other half. and i have to let him come closer to me and let him to get to know me.

personally i think the hardest part about getting to know me isn’t just his insecurities, or fears, or hesitations. it’s mine. in effect he will be fighting a war in my head and my heart that’s derived from every person’s let down that’s comes before him. . so now here you are fitting no mold, you were never like anyone else, and you’re trying to break through a cast that seems to be  miles deep while bearing your own cast of steel. it’s heavy and it’s hard but every once in a while you get this glimpse of what’s behind the wall and you know it’ll all be worth it. and you know that even if you’re not the one who takes the last piece of that wall down, you’ll have helped heal what’s behind it in hopes that someone more deserving than you gets to see what i’ve gone to the depths of hell protecting. i’m often lost in doubt  my actual aspirations are too ambitious; yet my self-doubt even more determined, hence i stick myself in the same day after day, year after year instead of chasing a lighting that is a pledge of a fire that’ll consume me.

i am hoping that someone (even if slightly) pick up on the hints of my misery mirroring hamlet’s misery (in his soliloquy), smile as i do when you hear “perchance to dream” or pick your own strings of words, and doubt the cowardice he blames on conscience.

the funny thing about healing is that it comes from within our own, singular minds. we may think we need other people to save us, but i know now that’s all just smoke and mirrors. we believe what we feel to be true. but truth has no interest in making us feel whole. truth takes us and breaks us, fragments our hearts, destructs the careful realities we have constructed in our minds to make us happy. your thoughts can save you but your thoughts can also kill you. truth and belief are no friend of each other when we’re talking about peace (piece) of mind. believe what you can while you can, because here i’m again, lying in bed, and i haven’t felt safe in years when i am with humans.

we don’t need other people to make us feel whole, but we believe that we need other people to make us feel whole. and that’s the human difference.

rite of spring

le premier février ! well technically it’s le 2 fevrier today. yesterday when i woke up i was greeting my cats with a happy “bonjour, aujourd’hui c’est le premier février” and my kitty boy horus thought it was just the bees knees and got very happy and excited and i figured out that he loved the sound of “le premier février” for whatever reason and so i kept saying it to him and he kept squeaking with joy ! oh yes my dears, i do speak in french to my cats and they are bilingual or trilingual as they understand english, french and speak meow. one time, (a long time ago as now i’m an orphan) i was talking to parents in my mother tongue and this was the first time my kids heard me speak in a different language and you should have seen their little faces which are full of exclamation and confusion !

honestly guys, it’s the most beautiful beginning for any given year and i’m goddamned pleased to have a whole month of spring / winter mix…. days are pleasantly springish and nights are winterish. i have started on my garden of spring mixes and ordered some potting soil and bulbs.

so the boy was in netherlands (he is back now) attending some training conference and i was in church on friday evening for sabbath services when he started texting me on the various things he thinks are relevant to “what makes an innovative society ?” and some of his weird thoughts included, mushrooms, being gay,fascism…. i was struggling to not giggle and i finally had to shut off my phone.

been a long week in a series of long weeks (all good but very tiring) and now it’s time to settle into some hot chocolate and gobble up a night you & i will love. boy and i went to bach’s “mass in b minor” at the kimmel center. it was done by philly orchestra conducted by yannick nézet-séguin. i love dolling up in sequenced gowns and giving the car for valet parking. afterwards boy took me to a gay coffee bar and said “you can enjoy the view” for it’s full of good looking gay men and alas, what a waste !

this week’s one of the highlights is american boy pouting for two days, and i believe he is still pouting, for reasons, which makes me super confused as i’m not sure how to translate. his name is stuck in my teeth like popcorn. do you feel me in your bones, like i’m an inescapable force. constantly finding ourselves in the same orbit. like i’m sure how the moon felt the first few millennia she spent struggling to break off course.. nature is absolute. no matter how we try and deny it.

for the record, i wasn’t chasing him as he showed no interest and he can ask me out if he chooses to, but he also should realize that unlike all the women he is used to, i’m super intelligent, opinionated & well read and not to mention i will knock him down if he tries to put me down. having said that, i’ve no intention of putting my life on hold while he is making up his fucking mind.

i named some people in my department as pea brains and i don’t have to explain why as the name is self explanatory. the boy is currently working on a short story based on the tidbits i feed him.

the first month of the year has been both refreshing and exhausting with equal measure. i started the year full of motivation and ideas ready to be explored, but sometimes, and by sometimes i mean always, life decides to throw some hurdles your way. i don’t want to dwell on the negativity though. they say, “better days are coming”, but love, sometimes, things don’t really happen. they don’t materialize; don’t work out. some things just don’t come better when you don’t start making something good out of the bad days.  i feel like a frozen dragon for now and but don’t count me out as my heart is still on fire.

Also, as it’s superbowl, go san francisco patriots !

2020-02-02